- Islamic Education / Children education in Islam
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- Chidren education 2008
The sexual education:
Dear brother, this is lesson No. 20 of the series Children Upbringing in Islam, and the topic we are tackling is the sexual education which is embraced by the social education. We started this topic last lecture and we will continue tackling it this lecture and the coming one Insha' Allah.
Allah has installed lust in man to be exalted in the Sight of Allah:
Dear brother, Allah has installed in us lusts, so that they will be our means to exalt in the Sight of the Lord of the heavens and the earth. In fact, lust is a motivation for man to move, and it is just like the engine of the car, and our conscience (reason) is like the steering wheel. As you know, the car is driven on a paved road, and in this case the mission of the engine is to keep the car moving, while the mission of the steering wheel is to keep it on the road, and the road is the perfect place for that car.
The road here is similar to Shari'ah (Islamic Law), the steering wheel is likened to man's reason, and the engine is the like lust. What I would like to say is that lusts are Divinely installed in us, and they are neutral in the sense that they could be means to exalt to the highest ranks or reasons to hit rock bottom and reach the lowest of the low. Had it not been for the sexual lust, mankind would have become extinct. Accordingly, food and water are created to keep us alive, sexual lust is installed in us to maintain the human race and man's quest of self-esteem is to keep his memory after his death.
Man is allowed to look at the woman he is about to propose to:
We started the sexual education by talking about leave-taking. I said that children should ask for permission before they enter their parents' room, and I told you the danger of not abiding by this ruling which might make the child see things he should not see. Then, I talked about the rulings on Awrah and the rulings on Maharem (plural of Muhram i.e. her husband or a person whom she cannot marry in any case for ever; e.g. her father, brother, etc.). As for men, Maharem among women are three kinds only: the wife, the close relative (the sister, the aunt…etc) and the daughter in law.
After that, we reached the topic of marriage and how man is allowed to look at the woman he is about to propose to. Pay attention to the following Hadith:
((Bakr bin Abdullah Al-Muzani narrated that: Al-Mughirah bin Shu'bah proposed to a woman, so the Prophet PBUH said: "Look at her))
Looking at the "fiancée to be" is allowed though she is a stranger to the man.
((Bakr bin Abdullah Al-Muzani narrated that: Al-Mughirah bin Shu'bah proposed to a woman, so the Prophet PBUH said: "Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you.))
Sometimes the young man who has a high level of faith may say, "I am just looking for a pious woman to be my wife, so I do not care about what she looks like." Well this is unrealistic, because after getting married he might regret it. You should follow the Prophetic way, for the Prophet PBUH said to you:
((Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you.))
It is your right as a man to choose a beautiful woman to be your wife, but I am not saying that she should be extremely beautiful, so what I mean is that there should be a kind of physical attraction between you and the young woman you propose to in order to maintain your chastity. The Prophetic instructions go as follows:
((Look at her, for indeed that is more likely to make things better between the two of you.))
This look might create affection between the two.
Man is allowed to look repeatedly at the woman he is about to propose to:
According to the Jumhoor (the dominant majority of scholars) man is permitted to look at the woman and see her face and hands if he intends to propose to her. However, if this man is going to travel (live constantly in a western country), he should tell the woman's family, and if they refuse that, there will be no need to look at her to begin with. Also, her family may not accept him if he does not have a house of his own, so again there will be no need to see her. Hence, looking at her is the last thing man does after he and her family agree upon all other matters like the house she will live in, the time of the wedding, the dowry and all other details. When both families agree upon all of that, the man can see the girl, is this clear? It is unacceptable to look at her just out of curiosity before discussing the other details between the two families.
I repeat again, according to the Jumhoor, man has the right to look at the woman he is about to propose to and to see her face and hands if he intends to marry her. Furthermore, scholars said that he can ask to look at her more than once if he needs to, and this might happen because the believer is modest, and he may get shy to look at her attentively from the first time. In such cases he may ask to see her many times to be sure that she is the suitable one to share life with him.
Applying Allah's Method protects man from committing errors:
By the way, when man wants to look at the woman, they should not sit alone because this is unacceptable religiously speaking, so his mother and hers should be with them.
((Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: That he heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, "It is not permissible for a man to be alone with a woman, and no lady should travel except with a Muhram (i.e. her husband or a person whom she cannot marry in any case for ever; e.g. her father, brother, etc.)."))
When people do not follow the religious instructions concerning these matters, the man who proposes to the woman may take her here and there under the pretext that she is his fiancée, or that he wants to test her morality. In some cases, the engagement lasts for a long time during which the major sin might occur between the two, and he disappears after that. Believe me, I have heard hundreds of stories like this.
There is naïve overlooking and clear ignorance (from the part of the girl's family) in such cases; this man is a stranger to your daughter, and the only right he has is to look at her in your house, talk to her and ask her, but taking her out under the pretext of engagement (without any contract) which might extend for a long time (it might last for a whole year), is but a grave error, for most men are not religious and one of them might do the major sin with her (adultery), and the great calamity takes place. Allah says:
﴾ He will guide them and set right their state. ﴿
When man follows Shari'ah rulings, he will be on the safe side and no surprises, no shocking news and no shameful situations will take him aback. As long as he applies Shari'ah rulings, he will be in the shade of Allah's Mercy. The pious man may say to you, "I am 70 years old, and I have never been to a police station." This is because he abides by law, and whatever he does is legal. The same goes for the righteous man; as long as he is upright, he will be granted safety and happiness, and his existence will continue through his children due to raising them according to Islamic teachings.
All disasters on earth are the outcome of deviating from the Divine Method:
The crucial fact is that there is no calamity on earth, since Adam until the Day of Resurrection but is the outcome of man's deviation from Allah's Method, and deviating from Allah's Method occurs because of ignorance which is the fiercest enemy of man. In fact, the ignorant person hurts himself in ways with which even his enemy will not hurt him. In fact, the crisis of the people of Hell-Fire is a crisis of lacking knowledge (ignorance).
﴾ And they will say: "Had we but listened or used our intelligence, we would not have been among the dwellers of the blazing Fire!" ﴿
The Prophet PBUH said:
((Looking at women is a poisoned arrow from the arrows of the devil.))
Why poisoned? An arrow might cause a wound and a wound might be cured, but when the arrow is poisoned, the poison will spread in the entire body causing death. This explains why the Prophet PBUH used this wonderful figure of speech, likening the look of the man at a strange woman is a poisoned arrow.
If there is a room to hang a sign in a gas station, the sign the owner may put is No Smoking despite the thousands other possibilities of signs, simply because one cigarette is enough to blow the entire station (after it give a lit to the gasoline's steam), but why have I mentioned this example? I did that because when the Noble Quran, when this miracle and when these Words of Allah make a room among the Ayat for mentioning lowering gaze, this means that lowering gaze is very crucial in the believer's life.
﴾ Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). ﴿
The Prophet PBUH said:
((Looking at women is a poisoned arrow from the arrows of the devil. Whoever restrains his eye out of fear of Allah Most High is given a faith that he perceives in his soul.))
In a manner of speaking, there is a pleasure that comes from feasting the eyes on the beauty of a woman, but there is happiness that comes from lowering the gaze from looking at this beautiful woman.
Pleasure and happiness:
It is convenient at this point to differentiate between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure is materialistic, and it occurs due to an outward reason like eating tasty food, living in a comfortable house, beholding a marvelous natural scene or looking at a beautiful face. Thus, all these matters come from outside the body, given the pleasure that man gains is not continuous, but rather it fades away by time.
It is like buying a new care, for the owner may spend his first night feeling like he is on cloud nine out of ecstasy, but one year later he may forget about this car for days, and it may never occur to him to drive it. Therefore, the pleasure man gains from buying a new car is circumscribed. The same goes for owning a house or getting married. However, man longs to own something that provides him with continuous pleasure (or increasing one), which tangible things do not provide him with. Let alone, their pleasure decreases by the passage of time. The one, who owns hefty wealth, lives in a luxurious house, buys an exquisite car and travels all over the world, will be distressed after a period of time, and he will get bored, simply because Allah decrees that the worldly life does not give man continuous pleasure or stable happiness, but rather such pleasure decreases by time. Not to mention, man will be melancholic if he gains this pleasure unlawfully.
The thing about pleasure is that it needs health, money and time to be fulfilled, and man usually does not own those three elements together all the time. When he is young, he owns health and time, but he lacks money, when he is in middle age he owns money and health, but he does not own time, and in his old age, he has time and money but he lacks health, and this is the nature of tangible pleasures. On the other hand, real happiness comes from inside man, and it has nothing to do with outward reasons. Thus, when you follow Allah's Path, and when you draw close to Him you will be tremendously happy, and what marks this inward happiness is that it increases by time. Allah says:
﴾ Verily, those who say: "Our Lord is Allah (Alone)," and then they Istaqamu, on them the angels will descend (at the time of their death) (saying): "Fear not, nor grieve! But receive the glad tidings of Paradise which you have been promised!* "We have been your friends in the life of this world and are (so) in the Hereafter. Therein you shall have (all) that your inner-selves desire, and therein you shall have (all) for which you ask for. "An entertainment from (Allah), the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." ﴿
Whoever lowers his gaze from looking at a strange woman will be exalted:
It was reported that the Prophet PBUH said:
((A Muslim man who catches the sight of a beautiful and charming woman for the first time and then lowers his gaze (to avoid looking at her again), Allah will bless him with such an Ibaadah, the sweetness of which he will experience himself in his heart))
Man offers his five prayers every day as performing Salah is an act of worship, but when he lowers his gaze from looking at a strange woman, he will be exalted in the Sight of Allah the Almighty.
Dear brother, I might not put my finger on the technique of gaining real happiness, but what I am sure of is that the results of obeying Allah give constant happiness. In other words, if the husband lowers his gaze from looking at any woman other than his wife, Allah will create affection between him and his wife, and He will grant them increasing happiness. Actually, any domestic conflict is but due to a transgression (committed by one of the married couple or both). Pay attention to the following Hadith:
((No two persons have Mutual love for the sake of Allah Almighty (or for the sake of Islam) would be parted from each other except for an evil deed (in other narration "Only the sin that has parted them) one of them commits."))
This evil deed is either from the husband or the wife, and because of it there will be disaffection between the married couple.
Lowering gaze is one of the traits of the believer:
Dear brother, when man feasts his eyes on whatever Allah forbids, he will pay a high price in his marital life. The Prophet PBUH said:
((Guarantee for me six actions and I will guarantee for you Paradise))
If you guarantee for the Prophet PBUH six things, he PBUH promised you that Allah will admit you to Paradise:
((Guarantee for me six actions and I will guarantee for you Paradise: Be truthful when you speak, keep your promises when you make them, fulfill the trust when you are trusted, guard your chastity, lower your gaze, and restrain your hands from harming sh3er.))
Lowering gaze marks the believer. It is also related that the Prophet PBUH said in another Hadith:
((Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger (PBUH) as saying. Allah fixed the very portion of adultery which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.))
These kinds of sins are the sins of the limbs, and they lead to adultery (Zina).
((Jarir said I asked the Apostle of Allaah (PBUH) about an accidental glance (on a woman). He (PBUH) said "Turn your eyes away."))
((Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: "I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) saying, 'There are three eyes that shall not be touched by the Fire: An eye that wept from the fear of Allah, an eye that spent the night standing on guard in the cause of Allah, and an eye that abstains from looking at Haram."))
The eye, which abstains from looking at the forbidden matters, shall never be burnt in Hell-Fire, so are the eye which weeps out of fearing Allah and the eye which spends the night awake guarding in the Cause of Allah.
In every stage of man's life there is a specific trait that adorns him, and when this man is young and in his prime life, the best trait he may have is chastity, whereas the best trait a young woman may have is modesty.
"Repentance is good, but it is better in youth, Haya' (modesty) is good, but it is better when it is shown by women, justice is good, but it is better when it is established by rulers (the fair ruler is the best thing in life), generosity is good, but it is better when it is a trait of rich people and patience is good but it is better when poor people manifest it". It was reported in the relic that Among the Signs of the Hour will be the removal of Allah's Blessing from earth, the removal of mercy from hearts, the removal of justice from rulers and the removal of modesty from women." "
Man is not allowed to look at another man's body between the naval and the knee:
Dear brother, if we go into details, man is not allowed to look at another man between his navel and knee. Accordingly, showing the thigh while playing sport is not allowed because the thigh is Awrah, whether this man is near or far, Muslim or non-Muslim, simply because the thigh is Awrah. The Prophet PBUH said:
((Abu Sa'id Al-Khidri (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "A man must not look at a man's private parts nor must a woman look at a woman's private parts; neither should two men lie naked under one cover, nor should two women lie naked under the same cover."))
((Between the navel and the knee is Awrah.))
((Cover your thigh, for the thigh is Awrah))
These are Prophetic instructions, so according to them the knee should be covered whether in the swimming suits and other sport wear. I was told that an Egyptian famous football player announced that he would stand down from playing football internationally, and the country he plays for was so keen on winning the game, so the Minister of Sports visited him in order to convince him to play in that international game, and the player agreed provided he wore shorts that cover his knee, and the minister agreed to his request. Later on, that dressing code became official internationally. Thus, one can play sport with Islamic outfit.
Covering Awrah prevents sexual deviations, and every sexual deviation is but the outcome of violating Shari'ah rulings. Homosexuality is one of the signs of the Hour (the End of Days). I visited once one of the most beautiful cities in the world (i.e. San Francisco), but can you imagine that 70 % of its residents are homosexual (males and females), and such deviation is caused by showing Awrah inside households.
Physicians are allowed to look at the patient's body for examination:
Which are the cases where looking at a strange woman is allowed? Scholars said, "The doctor is allowed to look at the part he is about to examine in his female patient's body." Actually the Muslim doctor who is raised according to Islamic teachings dazzles you with his exalted manners. An osteopathic physician, whom I know very well, invented a special white sheet with an opening in it, so he would cover the female patient's body and fit the opening on the part of her body that needed examining, whereas other doctors would ask the female patient to strip of her cloths in order to examine her. The closer the believer is to Allah, the keener he is on covering Awrah. Remember that Shaytan tempts people to strip of their clothes, Allah says:
﴾ Stripping them of their raiments ﴿
Religiously speaking, the female patient must look first for a Muslim female physician, but if she does not find one, then she may go to a Muslim male physician because most likely he will lower his gaze (from looking at her body), and he will take good care of her without embarrassing her. However, if there is an emergency case, the female patient can go to any doctor to treat her. A man said to me once, "I am very jealous for my wife, and I never let a male doctor treat her even if there is no female doctor." This is but ignorance of Shari'ah rulings.
It was reported that Umar said, "He is not the best of you who knows good or who knows evil, but the best of you is the one who can differentiate between two evils and choose the lesser evil of them." Whoever is sick should be treated by a physician, and the female patient should first look for a female doctor, and if she could not find one, she can go to a Muslim male doctor, and if she could not find one, then any male physician can treat her. I would like to repeat this point: looking at the female patient's body for the sake of examining her is permitted.
The cases in which man is allowed to look at a strange woman:
Allah the Almighty says:
﴾ Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal. ﴿
This means, if a physician peeks and looks at the female patient's body where he should not look at, Allah Alone knows about this look and this violation. Allah says:
﴾ Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal. ﴿
You are allowed to look at the woman you are about to propose to as I have mentioned earlier. Also, the judge is allowed to look at the woman who is complaining to him or who is prosecuted before him, and he is allowed to look at the female witness as well. In these cases man is allowed to look at the strange woman.
Dear brother, as it was reported in the relic, "Among the Signs of the Hour will be the removal of Allah's Blessing from earth, the removal of mercy from hearts, the removal of justice from rulers and the removal of modesty from women." The Great Divine Method is not impossible to be applied in any era because Allah, Exalted and Sublime be He, says:
﴾ Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope﴿
It is rather impossible that Allah assigned us beyond our scope, and whatever we are ordered to do is within our abilities and potentials.
Sexual education entails keeping causes of sexual exauthorment away from children:
Part of the sexual education is to prevent your children from being sexually exauthord. I have been once to Malaysia, and was informed that the fine of having a satellite receiving dish is one million, since this dish transmits all sorts of channels including the obscene ones, and having such channels in the house will cause sexual exauthorment.
The believing father, who is keen on his children's upbringing, will not allow such a device to be in his house. Can you imagine that even in the United States, movies are rated so that parents will know which movie is suitable for children and which is not? They also have a parental control as an option in TV channels and parents are provided with a code, so that their children will not be able to watch obscene channels. On the other hand, the developing countries swim in countless obscene TV channels. I used to say, "The more satellite receiving dishes we have on our roofs, the lesser dishes we will have on our tables (little provision), the lesser modesty we have, the little rainfall rate we will get, and the more women expose their flesh (body), the more expensive sheep meat will become."
Actually, 90% of Shari'ah rulings are about money and women, and all the scandals throughout history are either financial or sexual. Most of the instructions in the Noble Quran and in the Prophetic Sunnah are about your connection with earning money and your relation with women, so when you protect yourself from these two gates of sins, as a believer you will excel and gain prosperity.
Money and women are the two major gates to sins:
Dear brother, pay attention to the following Hadith:
((It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: "You will most certainly follow the ways of those who came before you, arm's length by arm's length, forearm's length by forearm's length, hand p by hand p, until even if they entered a hole of a mastigure (lizard) you will enter it too."))
Who sets up the trending dressing code for the Muslim women who are chaste and pure? They are the western designers (one of them is a famous French fashion designer) who decide that this or that is the trend of this year. However, cloths become more exposing, and they show the lines of the woman's body and the color of her skin, or they come in extremely brilliant colors. Since these designs become the trend that is followed all around the world, the majority of Muslim women follow this trend which is a grave error, for the true believe has the strong will to say "No, I will not follow this trend" without having any concerns to what blamers may say.
Dear brother, I would like to repeat again that the lust for money and the lust for women are the gravest two paths towards sinning, and when man abstains from fulfilling them unlawfully by lowering his gaze and by earning lawful money, he will fortify his religion because people backslide either by earning their living illegally or through their illicit affairs with women.
Chastity is fundamental as a part of man's belief in Allah the Almighty:
Believe me dear brother, and I am not exaggerating when I say that the Islamic society has no adolescence, because it is morally disciplined. This discipline is manifested in Makkah during Umrah or Hajj, for example, when all women there are in full Hijab, and man may stay for so many days without being sexually exauthord at all, simply because all women around him are following the Islamic dressing code, but when women wander around half-naked, major problems will take place.
Dear brother, chastity marks the believers. Imam Ja'far, may Allah be pleased with him, said to An-Najashi when he asked him about Prophet PBUH and Islam:
((O King, we were a people in a state of ignorance and immorality, worshipping idols and eating the flesh of dead animals, committing all sorts of abomination and shameful deeds. breaking the ties of kinship, treating guests badly and the strong among us exploited the weak. We remained in this state until Allah sent us a Prophet, one of our own people whose lineage, truthfulness, trustworthiness and integrity were well-known to us. He called us to worship Allah alone and to renounce the stones and the idols which we and our ancestors used to worship besides Allah. He commanded us to speak the truth, to honor our promises, to be kind to our relations, to be helpful to our neighbors, to cease all forbidden acts, to abstain from bloodshed.))
This religion is all about morals.
﴾ And verily, you (O Muhammad PBUH) are on an exalted standard of character. ﴿
Keep in mind that the ritual acts of worship are not performed properly unless the transactional acts of worship are followed to the letter. In the coming lecture I will continue discussing the sexual education, and with all the temptations in our societies we are in dire need of this kind of education.
