- Islamic Education / Children education in Islam
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- Chidren education 2008
Dear brother, this is lesson No. 7 of the series Children Upbringing in Islam and we are still tackling some of the topics of the social education.
The prudent father attributes his children's errors to his shortcomings:
We have discussed so far lying and stealing among children as a dangerous social phenomenon in families. We have also mentioned the indirect reasons which encourage the child to take things from his father and mother without their permission.
Today I will handle the way children talk. Though some young juveniles are looked after by their parents, they use bad, dirty and vulgar words such as mentioning private parts and cursing sh3er. This kind of misbehavior became a phenomenon.
First of all, I would like to start this topic with a fact I always mention, which is that the prudent parents attribute their children's mistakes to theirs. Furthermore, blaspheming, dirty talks, cursing and obscene words said by children are acquired from the family, from the street or from school. If the father uses polite words, and he avoids mentioning indecent words, private parts and dirty jocks, this reflects a disciplined household, and children will be polite.
The main reasons behind children indecent talking:
The effects of domestic environment on children's manners:
Dear brother, the first fact is that the domestic environment is essential in the way children talk. If the father is edgy, and he curse religion when he is angry, most likely his son will do the same and upon being angry he will imitate his father, so who is responsible for that? The father is.
Also, when the child hears his father telling dirty jocks to his friends and mentioning private parts, the child will imitate him and will use the same words. Frankly, the disciplined household will bring out disciplined children, given controlling the tongue occupies a big part in morality.
((Mu'adh said, "O Prophet of Allah PBUH, will we be taken to account for what we say with it?" He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, "May your mother be bereaved of you, O Muadh! Is there anything that throws people into the Hellfire upon their faces — or: on their noses — except the harvests of their tongues?"))
((The faith of a man cannot be straight unless his heart is straight, and his heart cannot be straight unless his tongue becomes straight.))
By Allah the Only Deity, I know some people whom you might associate with for 50 years, and you would never hear one bad or dirty word out of their mouth. I hope that this point is clear to fathers, msh3er and teachers.
We should always use polite words:
Dear brother, let us move to the details of our topic:
((Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, entered the home of Umm Sa'ib and he said, "What ails you, O Umm Sa'ib? You are shivering." She said, "It is a fever. Allah has not blessed it." The Prophet PBUH said, "Do not curse fever. Verily, it removes the sins of the children of Adam just as a furnace removes dirt from iron."))
Do not curse in front of your children; do not curse time, do not curse people and do not curse the children, but rather accustom yourself to avoid cursing all the time.
((At-Tirmidhi also related on the authority of Ibn Mas'ud (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "The believer is not a slanderer, nor does he curse sh3er, and nor is he immoral or shameless."))
Never curse anything, and get yourself used to avoiding it.
((Verily, it removes the sins of the children of Adam))
Always use polite words, so if someone is in the bathroom relieving himself, and someone else asked where her is, you do not have to say precisely what he is doing, and you can simply say, "He is in the bathroom renewing his Wudu." Hence, you should use polite words especially when you refer to something that causes embarrassment.
The believer should never use words which inauthor lusts:
There is one more thing concerning the words we use. The Prophet PBUH never used a word that might inauthor desires.
((Asmaa' visited the Prophet PBUH whilst wearing transparent clothing, so he said, "O daughter, wear a gown underneath it, for I am afraid that it may describe the size of your bones."))
The word "bones" does not inauthor desires at all, whereas using another word might do.
((O daughter, wear a gown underneath it, for I am afraid that it may describe the size of your bones.))
﴾Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
Allah used a very gentle and polite word in the noble Quran which is "Lamastum" (being in contact with women) in order not to tickle the desires of a child if he reads it.
﴾Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
﴾And you find no water, perform Tayammum with clean earth﴿
﴾Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
The words used in the Noble Quran are comprehensible (by adults), yet little children do not understand their indication. This is the Quran (the words used in it indicate politeness).
﴾When he had sexual relation with her (Taghashaha), she became pregnant and she carried it about lightly﴿
The word refers to sexual intercourse between the married couple in a very polite way:
﴾ Taghashaha ﴿
The same goes for the words used in the following Ayat:
﴾or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
﴾And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts)* Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame; But whoever seeks beyond that﴿
All sorts of transgression (in the sexual relation between man and woman) that usually are mentioned by the majority of people by their precise dirty titles are included in one phrase "whoever seeks beyond that". (How polite the words used in the Quran are!!)
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that﴿
﴾then those are the transgressors;﴿
A female Companion once came to Umar Ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, and said, "O Commander of the Believers, I have never seen any man who is better than my husband. By Allah, during the night he stands to pray, and during the day he fasts. Even on hot days he does not break his fast." Umar then prayed for her forgiveness, and he praised her, saying, "It is only befitting that I should praise one such as you." Our Master Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, was sitting next to him, so he said, "She is making a strong complaint against her husband." (She was complaining to him that she is a young woman and she desires what all women desire). Have you noticed how polite she was while complaining against her husband?
When parents are keen on using polite language, children will learn politeness:
Dear brother, when a noble companion, who was amongst the closest to Allah, stopped sleeping with his wife who came in her worn-out clothes to Aishah and complained in regard of that, so the latter asked her about her conditions and she answered that her husband is all night prayer and all day faster (indicating in a polite way that he is not sleeping with her) so the Prophet PBUH called for him and said:
((Do not you want to follow my tradition? I fast, pray and also have intimate relations with my wife, and this is my tradition, so fulfill your body needs, your wife's needs, your guests' needs and give whoever has a right his right))
It seems that he carried out the Prophet's words PBUH and fulfilled his wife's needs so the latter came the next day to Aishah, may Allah be pleased with her, shining and smelling nice so Aishah asked her, "What is up?" She answered, "We got what people usually got" (Politely indicates that she slept with her husband).
We should learn from the companions of the Prophet PBUH, who lived 1400 years ago, and from their exalted manners. They included all topics in their words using nice words while doing that. Thus, fathers and msh3er should use nice words at home and should be excessively polite, because their words are learnt by their little daughter or little son. Bear in mind that the exaltedness of the father and the mother is not derived from the scientific licenses they acquired, but it is derived from the high level of their children upbringing which is manifested in how distinguished the children are.
Few years ago, I used to give sweets to every child who offered Salah with his father in Masjid to encourage him, and during the process, children showed different attitudes. Some of them refrained from taking the sweets due to their self-respect and pride and they said, "No, thank you", and I had to pay efforts to let them have the sweets, and I used to ask their fathers to help me persuade them. Those kids reflect a sophisticated sort of upbringing at home. Other children took the sweets easily and thanked me for it. A third kind of children looked at the sweet they wanted from a distance instead of looking at me or at anyone else. A forth kind of children used to come to me twice or thrice to take more sweets. The fifth kind of children, I seek Allah's refuge from those, though they might be taller than me they used to say, "Where is my share of the sweet?" What draws my attention is the first kind of children, for they might long to have this piece of sweet but their sense of self-respect prevented them from taking it, and those are well raised by their parents.
Debating entails refraining from arrogance with other debaters:
Dear brother, pay attention to the following Hadith, please:
((It was narrated that 'Abdullah said: "Fighting a believer is Kufr and defaming him is evildoing."))
You may argue with someone for ten hours, yet you never hear from him one harsh word like, "You do not understand", but instead he says, "I have a different opinion, and there is a proof of it". You should not hurt the feelings of a brother in Islam while debating with him, but rather you should use polite words like, "We do not see eye to eye" "I have a proof of my point of view" "You might have seen the truth differently" instead of saying, "You are mistaken", for this way of approaching any debate is wrong. Learn from Imam Ash-Shafi'i when he said, "I might be wrong though I follow Allah's Path, and the other party might be right though he follows falsehood." Do you not want to follow the Prophetic way in debating? Allah who taught the Prophet PBUH the Noble Quran says to him:
﴾(either) we or you are rightly guided or in a plain error.﴿
Whenever you are in a debate, do not give the other person the impression that you are the only one in the world who can figure things out and that he is ignorant. Instead, you should level with him, and you should never distinguish yourself over him not even by saying one word.
﴾(either) we or you are rightly guided or in a plain error.﴿
﴾ or in a plain error.﴿
The Haqq (the truth) is like a ball, so it might be with me, or with you, and we debate, but considering yourself the only one who knows everything and the other party knows nothing is a wrong attitude. A Turkish man once wanted to interpret the following Ayah, but his attitude was very arrogant as he used harsh words in his interpretation:
﴾ By the heaven full of paths, ﴿
He said, "The heaven is whatever above you, and we (Turkish) and you (Arabs) know this fact, but "full of (Dhat)" is something we only know, while you do not (because they are more advanced in science, and they know a lot about galaxies, stars and planets). As for "paths (Al-Hubuk)", neither us nor you know its meaning. I mean since we, as scientists, have no idea about what they are, you ignorant Arabs with greater reason know nothing about them." His words reflect arrogance.
Everyone should level with the one he is speaking with:
Some people instruct sh3er harshly and sh3er give false facts (just to prove their point of view) arrogantly. Accustom yourself to level with the one you are debating with. Allah the Almighty says:
﴾and argue with them in a way that is better﴿
This means if there are 1000 nice words, you should choose the best of them and use it.
﴾Invite (mankind, O Muhammad) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching﴿
With regard to argument, listen to the following Ayah please:
﴾and argue with them in a way that is better﴿
When it comes to arguing with the other party, this occurs when the points being raised are related to man's dignity, so you should follow the Quranic instruction in this regard which goes as follows:
﴾(either) we or you are rightly guided or in a plain error.﴿
In another Ayah, Allah the Almighty says:
﴾ Say (O Muhammad to these polytheists, pagans, etc.) "You will not be asked about our sins, nor shall we be asked of what you do." ﴿
Do you think that in the following Ayah the Prophet PBUH really meant his sins?
﴾"You will not be asked about our sins ﴿
Though his Da'wah is Divine Revelation, he used the word "sin" just to level with the other party.
﴾nor shall we be asked of what you do." ﴿
In the first Ayah, the Prophet PBUH put himself and the other party in one level, but in the second one, he was very humble. This is the Quranic method in debating, while arrogance, blaspheming, throwing accusations and saying harsh words will blaze endless conflicts.
The humble is exalted, while the arrogant is degraded in Allah's Sight:
Let me show you how Allah instructs us in the Quran to be polite. Take for example the words of our Master Yusuf PBUH when he said:
﴾He was indeed good to me, when He took me out of ﴿
Where was he? He was in the well, and he was sent to prison, but which of the two is graver? The well was graver, because he could have died in it, whereas in prison he would have lived, and only his freedom would have been taken away from him. He PBUH said:
﴾He was indeed good to me, when He took me out of the prison﴿
He never mentioned the well, because had he mentioned it, he would have reminded them of their bad deed (of plotting), but he forgave them for what they did to him. He said:
﴾He was indeed good to me, when He took me out of the prison﴿
He PBUH did not say, "After they conspired to kill me", but rather he said:
﴾After Shaitan (Satan) had sown enmity between me and my brother﴿
He made them look like innocent attributing their plot to the whispers of Shaitan who sowed dissention between brother, while the truth is totally different (for they plotted to kill him). Learn the manners of debating, for the more exalted man is the nicer his words will become.
An Egyptian notable scholar, may Allah have mercy upon his soul, traveled once to Britain to make a surgery in his eye, so he received thousands of letters in the hospital which attracted the attention of media. Accordingly, the radio interviewed him, and I heard that interview, and he was asked about his exalted position, but he went silent and apologized to the interviewer, and he tried to change the subject. The interviewer was persistent, so the scholar said, "I am considered one of the people who seeks Allah's Pleasure." This answer reflects his humility, for he refused to say that he was a notable knowledgeable scholar, but rather he considered himself a knowledge seeker which is more polite and humble. The more humble man becomes, the higher Allah raises his fame, and the more arrogant man becomes, the more Allah humiliates him. Hence, Yusuf PBUH was very polite when he addressed his brother:
﴾After Shaitan (Satan) had sown enmity between me and my brother﴿
The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe:
Pay attention to the following Hadith, please:
((Abd Allah b. 'Amr (b. al-As) reported the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) as saying: "A man's reviling of his parents is one of the grave sins." He was asked: "Messenger of Allah! How does a man revile his parents?" He replied: "He reviles the father of a man who then reviles his father, and he reviles a man's mother and he reviles his."))
Actually, it is very rare to find someone who curses his parents, but when man wrongs people, they will curse his parents in return. The following Prophetic Hadith is about manners:
((Abu Musa Al-Ash'ari (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: I asked the Messenger of Allah (PBUH): "Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?" He said, "One from whose tongue and hands the other Muslims are secure."))
The Muslim's reputation is secured from being wronged by his tongue and hand.
The prudent is the one who is cautious in every word he says:
Dear brother, there are Prophetic As7adeth that break the back:
((Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: "Indeed a man may utter a statement that he does not see any harm in, but for which he will fall seventy autumns in the Fire."))
If a brother pays a visit to his sister who loves her husband very much and who is very satisfied with her life, marriage and humble house, he should watch his language, lest he causes a big problem between her and her husband. For instance if this brother says, "How small your house is comparing to your sisters' houses!", he is inciting her against her husband, and so she will welcome her husband after this visit with a frown, and upon being asked by her husband about the matter that bsh3er her, she might go silent first but then she would be outrageous, which will create a problem between the two that might end with divorce. One word might lead to all that.
((He does not see any harm in, but for which he will fall seventy autumns in the Fire.))
Beware of saying something bad if any woman is mentioned in front of you, and you should remember this Hadith:
((Slandering a chaste woman perishes the deeds of a whole year))
((Indeed a man may utter a statement that he does not see any harm in, but for which he will fall seventy autumns in the Fire.))
Women find it easy to talk in their assemblies about how a woman looks like (for example) by using the worst descriptions.
((Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin: I said to the Prophet (PBUH): It is enough for you in Safiyyah that she is such and such (the other version than Musaddad's has:) meaning that she was short-statured. He replied; You have said a word which would change the sea if it were mixed in it. She said: I imitated a man before him (out of disgrace). He said: I do not like that I imitate anyone even if I should get such and such.))
The pious parents always refers to perfection, morals and religion:
Dear brother, when a family has many daughters, and one of them is very beautiful, it is wrong to talk all the time about her beauty and describe the other ones by being not beautiful, for this will make this beautiful daughter consider beauty the only standard to evaluate people, and it will cause a complex in the less beautiful daughter. The pious parents talk only about good manners, religion, connection with Allah and wisdom as standards of evaluating people. In fact the talks in the household reflect the conducts of the parents.
It is said that one of the followers, called Ahnaf Ibn al-Qays, was short, dark-colored, crippled, hollow-eyed, with a tilted chin and high cheek bones. He indeed had quite a share of rather ugly features. Yet, he was the master of his people –100 thousand swords were ready to back up his anger, not inquiring about the reason for it. He would refuse to drink water if he knew that it would compromise his nobleness.
The parents should talk about success, striving, acquiring good manners, politeness, offering prayers, offering night prayers and reciting the Quran. These topics will make all the daughters (regardless their looks) gather around the parents, but talking about beauty only will create inferiority complex in the daughter who is less beautiful than her sisters, so dear parents please pay heed.
There should be equality in justice and affection towards children:
Believe me dear brother, in every family there are children who are smarter or more beautiful than their siblings, but the parents should not favor these children over the other; they should hug, kiss and be kind to them all. In such a case the siblings will not notice any difference in treatment and by this we help the one who is less smartness or less beautiful to conquer his Shaitan, but by preferring a child to the other by smiling to the beautiful and smart one and frowning at the other we will create psychological complexes down the road.
I keep insisting on the fact that the errors, the shortcomings, the deviation and the complexes of the children are the outcome of the parents' errors. Fatherhood is responsibility, and every one of you can make a great father and can have dutiful devoted children as a result.
((An-Nu'man bin Bashir (may Allah be pleased with them) said: My father took me to the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and said to him: "I have gifted a garden to this son of mine." The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) asked, "Have you other children besides this one?" He said, "Yes." The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) asked, "Have you awarded a gift like this to all of them." He said, "No." The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "I am not going to bear witness to this act of injustice."))
There must be justice, equality and affection in parents' treatment towards their children. One smile, one kiss, one word or one hug can destroy the child whom you neglect. The parents who pay heed to such matters are actually prosperous.
Teachers should avoid calling their students by their names if they are insulting:
I have a bone to pick with teachers: Sometimes the sure name of one of your students might be funny, and some teachers are accustomed to call their students by their last names. If the last name is funny, it will hurt the student upon being called by it, so pay attention to this fact.
((One of the companions entered the Prophet's assembly, so he PBUH asked him about his name, and the companions said, "Zaid Al-Khail (horses), so the Prophet PBUH said: "No, your name is Zaid Al-Khair (the bounteous).))
I know lots of teachers who change their students' names in class only, because some family's names are not appealing and might be funny, so as a teacher, change these names to other names during the academic year, or call them by their first or middle names. One of the Prophet's traits is that he used to change the names of his companions. Once he asked a woman about her name, and she said, "Asiyah (disobedient)", to which he replied, "No, your name is "Ta'iah" (obedient)"
Whosoever considers the words he says part of his deeds will be saved:
Dear brother, when you consider the words as part of the deeds you are going to be called to account for will survive.
((Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah the Almighty said: "Indeed a man may utter a statement that he does not see any harm in, but for which he will fall seventy autumns in the Fire."))
You should consider the words you since they are part of the deeds you offer. One word you say might hurt people, and this is what happens when a teacher says to a student, "You are idiot", for this word might devastate him for the next ten years, might destroy his self-esteem and might create inferiority complex in him. This is wrong, so accustom yourself to say nice and disciplined words. The nicer the words said in the house, the more polite the children will become.
Being keen on choosing your children's friends among those who are sophisticated and polite, and making sure that no bad words are said in your children's school will grant you big success in raising your children and in having an exalted upbringing.
((Whoever loves Kufr is considered with Kuffar and his knowledge will not do him any good))
Some people use sarcastic comments, they are involved in obscene debating, they mention dirty literary work and they tell sexy jokes. I do not believe that a believing father or mother might ever tell a dirty joke in the house, for these sorts of jokes do not befit believers, but rather they befit the dissolute and the heedless of Allah. Even when such kinds of dirty jokes are told in your presence, you should not laugh, because you stance towards these jokes will teach the one who tells them unforgettable lesson.
While I was in a business meeting, one of the attendants said a dirty word which made all people laugh, but I did not laugh. When the meeting was over, the one who said that word followed me and said, "Can I do anything for you?" I said, "No, thank you", by this answer I taught him a lesson. If you laugh at any dirty joke, this means that you accept it.
Whatever the child says is a manifestation of the father's words:
Your son is yours, so raise him in a proper way and teach him to use nice, polite and serious words. Read the following Ayah of the Quran (and see how politely matters are indicated to avoid embarrassment:
﴾Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
Allah also says in the following Ayah:
﴾When he had sexual relation with her (Taghashaha), she became pregnant and she carried it about lightly﴿
Allah also says:
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors;﴿
Read the Sunnah (and see how polite the Prophet PBUH was in choosing his words):
((O daughter, I am afraid that it may describe the size of your bones."))
You can choose nice words that do not hurt the feelings of sh3er.
Hence, the third topic in the social upbringing of children is about the words the children utter which in turn reflect the words of the parents. If a tank has an opening from above and a faucet in its lower part, whatever you put into it, will come out of it, right? The same goes for children; where do children get their education? They get it from the street, from school and from their house, so if the child hears bad words in the street he will repeat them, if he hears dirty words from bad companions at school he will repeat them and if he hears his mother or his father telling sexy jokes he will repeat them to his friends. Man is like a tank, what you put in it, will come out of it, so when you feed your child with TV soaps, obscene movies and dirty jokes do not expect him to be polite at all.
You should teach your children honesty and trustworthiness:
The child is very dear to his parents, and the well-raised child is priceless. This is the third lecture of social upbringing and it is about the words children say. Lying, stealing and bad words should be avoided in households, and you should teach your children honesty, trustworthiness and the disciplined way of talking.
((O King, we were a people in a state of ignorance and immorality, worshipping idols and eating the flesh of dead animals, committing all sorts of abomination and shameful deeds. breaking the ties of kinship, treating guests badly and the strong among us exploited the weak. We remained in this state until Allah sent us a Prophet PBUH, one of our own people whose lineage, truthfulness, trustworthiness and integrity were well-known to us. He called us to worship Allah alone and to renounce the stones and the idols which we and our ancestors used to worship besides Allah. He commanded us to speak the truth, to honor our promises, to be kind to our relations, to be helpful to our neighbors, to cease all forbidden acts, to abstain from bloodshed.))
Dear brother, you should know very well that if the words you say, as fathers and msh3er in your meetings, celebrations, visits and picnics, in front of your children are polite and disciplined, you will be setting a good example for them of the disciplined speech.
