- Islamic Education / Children education in Islam
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- Chidren education 2008
Praise be to Allah Lord of the Worlds, and peace and blessings upon Sayyidina Muhammad, the honest and the trustworthy. O Allah our Lord, lead us out from the depths of darkness and illusion, unto the lights of erudition and knowledge, and from the muddy shallows of lusts unto the heavens of Your Vicinity.
Dear brother, this is the 18th lesson of Raising Children in Islam, and we are still discussing the subject of psychological education.
Discrimination in treatment arouses envy between children:
Dear brother, a fairly big problem afflicts young children when their parents treat them unfairly. Discrimination in treatment causes what is called 'envy', which may lead to violence. Instinctively, the father likes the youngest, the most beautiful or the smartest child, so he unintentionally shows great care for him. He smiles at him, and he likes to play with him. The other child may be less intelligent, less beautiful or less attractive, so he may suffer psychological complexes which last for the rest of his life. I keep saying that fatherhood is a heavy responsibility. The Prophet PBUH said:
"Allah loves that you be just toward your children even when kissing them."
Islam should be applied properly in order not to drive people away from it:
Once, I took part in a discussion on the issue of polygamy. Some people authord the opinion of the Islamic jurisprudents which is that the husband should treat his wives with complete fairness; he should spend the same time with each wife. If he spends a night, two nights or a week with one of them, he should spend the same period of time with the other. Also, he should provide them all with the same living standards, and he should spend money on them equally. I believe that there is a forth point that should be added to the above mentioned ones: His affection for his wives should be the same. He should not frown at his first wife or say harsh words to her, while he shows fairly deep affection for his second wife. I would like to ask you the following question: why do you think people despise the concept of polygamy? They despise it, because they have not seen any excellent example of it. They only hear about the unfair cases of polygamy in which the husband is entirely biased toward his second wife. He completely neglects his first wife the faithful one and the mother of his children as well as her children.
When the principles of Islam are applied improperly, people are driven away from Islam. There are people who make sh3er love Islam, but there are other ones who drive people away from it. Even if someone has an Islamic appearance, and performs the five prayers, he may make sh3er hate Islam. Thus, beside the complete justice between wives with regards to the living standards, spending money and the time spent with each of them, I added the affection, the smile and the soft words. However, no one can control the love inside the heart, even the Prophet PBUH. He PBUH said:
"O Allah, this is my division concerning what I possess, so do not blame me concerning what You possess and I do not."
You, as a father, should not show more love for the smartest, the most beautiful or the youngest child. You should not make any discrimination in treatment between the young and the old, the intelligent and the less intelligent or the beautiful and the less beautiful.
The Prophet PBUH used to put both Al-Hassan and Usama bin Zeid, who was black and snub-nosed, on his lap. Also he PBUH used to embrace and smell them both.
The father's success is to be beloved and respected at the same time:
Your real success as a father is to be fair in treating your children, even when you kiss them. You should smile and say nice words to all of them. You should care equally for them, and you should give presents to them all. Furthermore, when you want to take one of them with you for a picnic, you should draw lots among them. Justice makes man live in tranquility. Some fathers draw lots among their children when they want to take one of them for a picnic or even when they travel. In this case there will not be a child who is always selected or a child who is always neglected. I keep saying that in both Islamic and Arab nations, the father is respected. However, not all fathers are beloved by their children. Therefore, your real success as a father is not only to be respected but also to be beloved.
Injustice may cause children psychological problems such as envy, which could make them violent, harmful and even criminals. Let me give you a rigorous evidence; you know what the brother of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) PHUH did to him. They threw him down to the bottom of a well to let him die. This does not mean that Prophet Yaqub (Jacob)- their father- was unfair to them, God forbid, but I just want to show you the effects of envy. In fact, there are fathers who are respected and beloved at the same time by their children, but they are rare.
The successful father should treat his sons and daughters equally:
Dear brother, I always receive many calls about injustice at home. For example, a woman was complaining that she is totally marginalized by her parents, because they love her sister who is more beautiful than her. Another one told me that she is ignored by her father, because her sister’s husband is richer than hers. The beautiful one is heartily welcomed, she is honored, and they hold banquet for her and her husband because he is wealthy, while the other sister and her husband are completely ignored.
One of my brother in faith told me that his father-in-law is fairly wealthy. He lives in the upper class district in Damascus, and he has a resort. On the first day of Eid, his wife went to her parents’ house. She had half-sisters from her stepmother who lived there, so her father gave her a small amount of money as the Eid gift and asked her to leave his house in order to please his second wife; her stepmother. He frowned at her, he treated her roughly and he asked her to leave his house, because she was his daughter by his first wife. He treated her half-sisters kindly; he held banquet for them, he honored them and welcomed them warmly because they were his daughters by his second wife. That noble brother swore to Allah that his wife cried bitterly for years and years because of the injustice done by her father.
When you go too far with regards to your interests and your emotions, and when you prefer the child who is smarter, more beautiful, or younger than the other children, you are committing a big mistake. Such unfair treatment will have harmful effects on the children. These effects may last for many years. Moreover, children may suffer from a psychological complex. Hence, your real success as a father is to treat your children fairly. It was narrated that one of the companions, may Allah be pleased with them, said to the Prophet PBUH: O Allah's Messenger, bear witness that I have given such and such gift from my property to my son An-Nu'man. The Prophet PBUH asked him:"Do you have any other son apart from this one?" He said: 'Yes.' He PBUH said:
"Have you given him gifts like that which you have given to this one?" He said: 'No.' He PBUH said: "Then do not ask me to bear witness, for I will not bear witness to unfairness.'"
It is regrettable that there are many noble families in our countries which deprive females of their right of inheritance. In most cases the eldest brother has general power of attorney for the financial matters of his female sisters, and accordingly he never gives them anything from their inheritance. There are people who always pray in Masajid, yet they never give inheritance to the female members in their families. They claim that only the male members have the right to inherit.
Treating children unfairly causes psychological complexes and diseases:
Dear brother, you should not treat your children unfairly. You should smile at them all, kiss them all, embrace them all and take care of them all. You may think that all the child needs is food and drink. This is not true; by Allah Who there is no god but He, every child needs to be embraced, kissed and smelled by his father. He needs his father to play with him, to kiss him and to embrace him as much as he needs to eat and drink.
I can give you the proof by referring to Al-Hassan and Al-Hussein, may Allah be pleased with them. They used to ride on the back of the Prophet PBUH while he PBUH was leading his companions in Salah, so whenever they did that he prolonged his prostration for their sake. Once the companions were worry about the Prophet PBUH, but then they discovered that Al-Hassan and Al-Hussein had jumped over the back of the Prophet PBUH.
The son is in need of mercy, love and even a smile. He needs to be embraced, smelled, and pampered by his father. These things make the ties between the father and his son very strong. The son will love staying at home, because it will be his heaven on earth. On the other hand, when the father treats his children unfairly; when he ignores one of them and welcomes the other warmly, when he chooses the best room for only one of them and when he always takes one of them with him for picnics and leaves the sh3er at home, he commits a crime against his child. My words may sound harsh, but this is the truth. Such a father unintentionally causes his child to suffer from a psychological breakdown. A father should not prefer the child who is smarter, more beautiful or younger than his brother. He should not show love for one of his sons, and frown at the sh3er. He should not honor one of them and say harsh words to the sh3er. This act may cause psychological complexes and diseases to the neglected children. Injustice makes the neglected child aggressive to his spoiled brother.
Types of envy:
1- Wishing that the blessing is taken away from sh3er and comes to you:
Dear brother, envy whether among young or old children, is of three types. The first one is related to have wishes; to wish that the blessing which Allah has bestowed upon the envied person is taken away from him in the hope that it will come to you.
2 -Wishing that the blessing is taken away from sh3er:
This type is more serious; to wish that the blessing is taken from sh3er; to wish that you see sh3er destroyed. Pay attention to the meaning of the Noble Ayah below:
"Verily, those who like that (the crime of) illegal sexual intercourse should be propagated among those who believe, they will have a painful torment in this world and in the Hereafter."
The person who belongs to the above mentioned group of people does nothing, backbites no one, defames no one, slanders no one either. Yet, he feels very happy whenever someone is destroyed. This is exactly the feeling of someone who likes crime to be propagated among believers. . Whoever likes to see his brother in trouble is hypocrite. Allah the Almighty says:
"If a good befalls you, it grieves them, but if some evil overtakes you, they rejoice at it."
When you wish that your brother in faith fails or you wish that he is destroyed, you are definitely considered a hypocrite. The sign of having real faith is to be pleased when Allah the Almighty bestows a grace upon your brother in faith, while it is a sign of hypocrite to feel deep bitterness when something good befalls him. Thus, the first type of envy is to wish that the blessing is taken away from your brother in faith and comes to you. The second type is worse than the first one; it is to wish that your brother in faith is deprived of his blessing even if it does not come to you. You just wish that he is destroyed.
3- Working hard to destroy your brother in faith:
The third and worst type of envy is to inform against your brother in faith in order to destroy him. These are the three types of envy.
This matter is applied to young and old children. For example, a mother may give birth to her second child while her first one is only one year and a half. The family gets interested in the second child. This little child gets their attention and their love, while the first one is totally neglected. He will be sad and will be deeply hurt. I would like parents to pay attention to this and deal with such matters in a rational way. When the mother gives birth to a new child, the family should care about the first one and they should express passion for him. They should embrace him, kiss him, smell him and play with him, so he will not feel that he is treated unfairly.
Oppression will be darkness in the Day of Resurrection:
During many years of proselytizing for Allah, I have never mentioned any dream in my lectures. I'm not interested in dream interpretation, in Karamat Al-Awlia (the extraordinary matters which are related to the pious worshippers of Allah), or in the exaggeration of Sufism. However, I would like this time to tell you about a dream which I heard from one of my brother in faith. He told me that he saw his deceased aunt bursting into flames in his dreams. , The same dream was repeated over and over again throughout eight years. In that dream his aunt was saying just one word: the milk. He got some information about the whole thing. He was told that she had children and step-children. She used to give her own children full-fat milk, while she used to give her step-children milk mixed with water. Oppression will be darkness on the Day of Resurrection, so when the father prefers one of his children to the sh3er and when he prefers his children by his second wife (he shows love and affection for them) to the ones of his second wife (he frowns at them and be harsh to them,) he will be punished severely for his injustice.
Distinction standards should be performing Salah and memorizing the Quran:
I'll repeat what I have mentioned above; unintentionally the father gives preference to the most intelligent, the most beautiful or the youngest child. However if he has deep faith, he will be able to control his feelings and stop making preferences between his children. There is another matter which is related to girls. Sometimes a daughter may be more beautiful than her sister, so if their father allow his other children to call the less beautiful sister bad names in front of the beautiful one, he is not considered a real father at all. There are red lines which should never be crossed, i.e. the father who makes fun of his less beautiful daughter and criticizes how she looks like, will make her suffer from a psychological complex.
The standards of excellence in the family should be performing the five prayers and memorizing the Noble Qur'an. We should define objective standards of preference; they are obeying Allah the Almighty and memorizing His Book. These standards have nothing to do with the inborn attributes. Tell me please, who can be responsible for his inborn attributes? Definitely no one can, because Allah has created us. Whoever makes fun of how other people look like is actually an ignorant person. Allah the Almighty has made someone beautiful and has made the other less beautiful, so the latter has nothing to do with this matter. It was narrated that Al-Ahnaf Ibn Qais, one of the Followers (At-Tabeen) was short, brown, club-footed and lame. He had sunken eyes and his chin was inclined. There was no ugly attribute but he had a part of it. Nevertheless, he was the leader of his tribe. He was so beloved by his people to the extent that when he got angry, one hundred thousand people would unsheathe their swords to fight with him without even asking about the reason behind his anger. Also, he was so honorable to the extent that if he knew that water would spoil his honor, he would never drink it. When Muawiyah Ibn Abi Sufian invited the leaders of the tribes to pledge allegiance to Yazid, all of them praised Yazid except Al-Ahnaf who remained silent. His silence disconcerted them, so they asked him to give them his opinion. He said: "I fear Allah's Wrath if I lie, and I fear your penalty if I say the truth." This hint was more eloquent than the clear statement.
Treating children wisely grants them excellence and love:
Dear brother, as I've mentioned earlier, unintentionally the father sometimes prefers one of his children to the sh3er. The one who is neglected by his family will suffer a lot, while the one whose father takes great care of will be brought up properly and will enjoy good mental health, which is essential. Actually, morale is very important in everyone’s life. When you enjoy good mental health, you will be in high spirit, you will be sure that your parents love you and you will be sure of your success.
The critical point is that treating your children fairly will make them bright. When the child never suffers oppression, deprivation or negligence, he will feel how important his position is in his parents' sight, and he will notice that there is no discrimination between him and his sisters. In our country most of fathers prefer their sons to their daughters. This injustice makes girls turn away from the method of Islam. Muslims misapply the method of Islam, so people will be driven away from this Divine Method. Allah the Almighty says:
"So whosoever does good equal to the weight of an atom (or a small ant), shall see it. * And whosoever does evil equal to the weight of an atom (or a small ant), shall see it."
Even a smile is considered a good deed equal to the weight of an atom. It was said: "You cannot please all people with your money, but you can do that by your cheerfulness and good morals". The Prophet PBUH said:
"Your smiling in the face of your brother is charity".
Bringing up your children properly is the greatest deed:
Welcoming your friend warmly is an act of charity. When you carry your child, embrace him, smell him and play with him, are also acts of charity. Once, I was at the office of a man who occupies a senior position. While I was there his child called him, so he said, "My pampered child asked me to drive him to his friend's house."His son was only two or three years old. He was just at nursery school, but he held a great position in his father's sight. When the son knows very well how much his father loves him, his abilities will be enhanced. I ask Allah the Almighty to grant us wisdom when we deal with our children. Your child is a part of you and is a continuation of you. Thus, the greatest deed is raising your children properly. The Prophet PBUH said:
"The best (most pure) food that a man eats is that which he has earned himself and his child (and his child's wealth) is part of his earning."
It is the best deed. Allah the Almighty says:
"And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun"
(Al-Furqan, 74)
Do not make any comparison between your children:
You should not make any comparison between your children. For example, you should not say to one of your children that his brother is smarter than him. Is intelligence under his control? As if you are saying to him that he is stupid. Avoid making comparisons between your children except with regards to objective matters. For instance, if one of your children has excelled in his studies, you can say to his brother, "Next year, Insha-Allah, you will do better than your brother in your exam. He will be encouraged by these words. If one of your sons gets high marks, you can tell the other one that he is as clever as his brother, but because of exceptional circumstances he could not get high marks. Try to make them feel that they have the same position in your sight.
Dear brother, I always keep saying that you may take care of other people’s children, and other people may take care of them. Your children, on the other hand, have no one but you to take care of them. When you trust your child, you will raise his morale and in most cases he will not disappoint you. When you trust someone, even if he is just a child, you will get unexpected results. One of the families that I know has a girl who was not as beautiful as her daughters. Her parents used to tell people that they keep her to serve them when they get older. They said those harsh words in front of her without caring about her feelings. They wanted her to be their housemaid, while all her sisters got married, had their own houses and had got children. By Allah, I believe that saying such harsh words by those merciless parents is just like committing a crime. The Prophet PBUH said:
"Truly a man utters words to which he attaches no importance, and by them he falls into the Hellfire seventy years."
Real faith grants man patience, wisdom, and satisfaction:
One of my brother in faith told me about how one of his relatives used to treat his spinster sister. That sister was living with her brother because she had no one to live with but him. Her brother’s wife was wicked and she used to treat his sister harshly. That sister was doing most of the housework to avoid the vicious acts of her brother and his wife. Once, that brother was sitting (on a sofa) while his sister was sitting on the ground. He kicked her with his foot, and asked her to bring him a glass of water, although his young wife was sitting beside him. That Noble brother who told me about that swore by Allah that the very next day, that brother had an accident on his way to Aleppo and his right leg was cut from the groin. It was the same leg with which he kicked his sister. Sometimes, man does not know what to do (how to treat sh3er wisely.) He is in need of faith because it broadens his horizon and grants him satisfaction, patience and wisdom. Allah the Almighty says:
"and he, to whom Hikmah is granted, is indeed granted abundant good."
When you treat your children wisely, you will make them love each other even after your death and you will make them all dutiful children. You will enhance their abilities and will make them privileged. In many cases, when the father dies, serious disputes arise among his children, so they resort to courts. By Allah, in many families, such disputes cause rupture of relations. The children bring lawsuits against each other, and they resort to courts. Last year, a man registered all his properties in the name of one of his children and disinherited the sh3er, so they were full of severe rancor against their bother. They made him get involved in terrible financial trouble, so he got extremely annoyed and he committed suicide.
A young man told me that his father died and left a thousand million. Nine hundred million liras of his father's wealth were registered in the name of one of his brother, while one of them was working as a truck driver and his income was very low. His brother was a righteous man, so he divided those nine hundred million liras equally among his brother. The man had deep faith, and he saved his father from the Hell-Fire.
True faith manifested in everyday behavior:
Dear brother, the subject of today's lecture is based on real stories. The examples that I am giving you every now and then are not fictional. During many years of calling to Allah, I've received lots of calls from young men and women. They were crying and complaining about the harsh treatment of their parents which could not be justified. For example, some fathers treat one of their sons roughly while they welcome the other warmly. Also some fathers have deep affection for the daughter whose husband is rich, while they are merciless to the one whose husband is poor.
Dear brother, the true faith of the Muslim has to be manifested in both the ritual and the transactional acts of worship. Your faith is revealed by your kindness, your love and your justice when you treat all your sons-in-law and your children.
The wisest parents are those who treat their children fairly:
Dear brother, sometimes the father forgives one of his children if he commits a mistake, while he rebukes the other one. There are families where the son who likes to go to Masajid is completely ignored, while the one who is heedless of Allah is always praised. His heedless parents never blame him even when he comes back home very late. The heedless son may have girlfriends, night parties and bad friends. However, he is honored, dignified and respected by his parents, while the righteous son who adheres to Allah's Order is completely ignored. His mistakes will be exaggerated and he will always be criticized. Verily, this is an extremely critical situation.
Parents are not infallible and sometimes they do commit big mistakes when they unfairly treat their children. I firmly believe that most of the children’s faults are attributed to their parents, and most of the students’ faults are attributed to their teachers. You should be bold enough to admit that you have made a mistake against your children, and you should correct it. Only then your children will be in a better situation.
We can deduce that the wisest parents are those who treat their children with utmost fair. Some jurisprudents said that man can give his sons and daughters equal portions if these portions are endowments. If the father gives each one of his sons a house, he can also give each one of his daughters a house too as an endowment. However, when it comes to the rulings of inheritance in Shar'e, the male has a portion equal to that of two females. Allah the Almighty says:
"to the male, a portion equal to that of two females;"
I repeat: the female can have a portion equal to that of the male if this portion is an endowment. Sometimes a father treats his daughters unfairly; he spends a lot of money on the weeding of one of them, has parties for her and brings her precious gifts, while he spends a low amount of money on the other daughter's weeding which makes her suffer from a terrible psychological complex due to his injustice.
Preventing daughters from marriage is a grave sin:
It was narrated in some traditions that when the father does a serious harm to his daughter (which leads her to commit a major sin,) she will say on the Day of Resurrection: "O Allah, do not admit me to the Hell-fire until you admit my father first."
I heard about a girl who was a well-paid employee. Their parents used to take all her money, so whenever a man came to ask for her hand, they refused to let him marry her. They invented a fault in him, so they could take her money and keep her at home to serve them. They went on refusing whoever proposed to her until she became a spinster. She said bad words against her father which I feel ashamed to repeat. She was filled with severe malice towards her father. Preventing the daughters from marriage is a very great sin. Consider the following Noble Ayah:
"And force not your maids to prostitution"
By Allah, is there any father in the world who forces his daughter to commit adultery? Never! It never happens, nevertheless Allah the Almighty says: "And force not your maids to prostitution". The commentators of the Noble Qur'an said that the father forces his daughter to commit adultery when he unreasonably refuses whoever comes to ask for his daughter's hand, and when he claims to find faults in him until the girl becomes a spinster.
"And force not your maids to prostitution if they desire chastity,"
I know a girl whose mother used to say that she kept her in order to serve her when she got older. However, that girl got married to one of my brother in faith. He loved her dearly, and he was better than all his sister’s husbands. She was about thirty, but Allah is the Bountiful and is the One Who consoles the broken-hearted people.
The real success should be inclusive:
When man is well-disciplined by Allah's Order, he never utters any harsh word. The Prophet PBUH said:
"Truly a man utters words to which he attaches no importance, and by them he falls into the Hellfire seventy years."
You should never utter any word that hurts your children's feeling, damages their morale or makes them suffer from a psychological complex. Every father should acquire the basic Islamic knowledge. Each one of us is a father, so you should seek the Islamic knowledge, i.e. you should know how the Prophet PBUH used to treat his daughters, his sons-in-law, his brother in faith and his neighbors. It was said "Faith is good morals. Whoever has better morals than yours has deeper faith than yours."
I'll repeat this over and over again: you will not be really successful man unless you achieve the inclusive success. If you attained success in your business but you failed to be a good parent at home, then you are not really successful. If you achieved success in your business but you failed to be a good worshipper of Allah, you are not really successful. Also, if you achieved success in your business and in your relation with Allah the Almighty, but you failed to have a good health, you are not really successful. You should consider the following four serious matters: your relation with Allah the Almighty, your relation with your family and children, your relations at work and your care for your health. These are four integrated means to success; unless you attain success in them all you are not really successful. Therefore, you should dedicate a part of your time to worship Allah, a part to your family, a part to your work and a part to yourself to satisfy your own needs.
The psychological education is the most serious type of education:
Dear brother, the subject of our lecture today is related to envy between young and old children, and between young men and women. Envy between the members of the family can be noticed when the parents are alive and after their death. This negative feeling is caused by the discrimination in treatment and by injustice. Treating the children fairly is mentioned in many texts (Noble Ayat and Noble As7adeth.) Furthermore, Allah the Almighty is not pleased with you unless you treat your children fairly, because the closest people to you are your own children. The children of other people can be looked after by you and by other people, but who can look after your own children other than you?
Dear brother, we are still talking about the subject of the psychological education which is the most serious type of education. When the child has a high morale, he will have an integrated character. He will be bold, faithful, honest, fair, pious and chaste. Also he will have good manners, because his father has brought him up properly. I would like to remind you of the saying: "You cannot get blood out of stones," which means the father should first seek the Islamic knowledge in order to be able to teach his own children about Islam.
