- Islamic Education / Children education in Islam
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- Chidren education 2008
Social education: Eating Etiquettes:
Dear brother, this is lesson No. 24 of the series Children Upbringing in Islam. We are still tackling the social education, and today we will talk about eating etiquettes.
Fundamental categories of Islam:
First of all, Islam consists of four major sections, on top of them is Aqeedah which is the most crucial part of Islam, for if it is right, every deed is right, and man will be granted happiness in the worldly life and in the Hereafter, but if it is corrupted, every deed is corrupted as well. The second section includes the acts of worship since man is created to worship Allah as Allah the Almighty says in the following Ayah:
﴾ And I (Allah) created not the jinns and humans except they should worship Me (Alone). ﴿
Because man is created to worship Allah, this means that Salah, Sawm, Hajj and Zakat are the pillars of Islam. The third section is transactions, like selling, buying, marriage, divorce, warranty and money orders. The fourth category is etiquettes which are very important in Islam.
In fact, the believer is not distinguished by his Salah, Hajj or Zakat but by his etiquettes when he eats, sits, talks, walks or delivers a speech. In fact, good conducts (to which the Muslim etiquettes belong) are one of the foundations of Islam. When the Prophet PBUH was asked where he acquired his exalted manners from, he answered:
((My Lord perfected my good manners and conduct.))
Etiquettes are taught and acquired (through connecting with Allah):
Dear brother, allow me to explain two delicate facts. The first one: etiquettes are acquired by learning and by Sibghah, but how is that? When you instruct your young son to eat with his right hand, you are teaching him etiquettes. This what the Prophet PBUH did when he instructed one of the children in the following Hadith:
(('Umar bin Abu Salamah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH), said to me, "Mention Allah's Name (i.e., say Bismillah before starting eating), eat with your right hand, and eat from what is near you."))
If we want to refer to the exalted rank man gains by establishing a connection with Allah, we will realize that man will be granted exalted etiquettes since Allah owns the good conducts, and when He loves a servant of His, He bestows upon him a good manner, but do you know how?
To elaborate this point, consider this example: A man used to be addicted to listening to songs, and he used to be very fond of some of them, after a while he repented to Allah, because Islam prevents him from listening to songs, so he stopped listening to them. However, one day he heard accidently one of the songs he used to like very much while he was in the bus, so he became gleeful, because he used to like it though he repented, but when he moves later on to a higher level of faith, and he hear this son again, he will hate it. In the first stage he was penitent, and he knew that listening to songs is Haram, so he stopped listening to them, but when he establishes a connection with Allah the Almighty, his heart will honored by getting acquainted with Allah, so he will move to a higher level of faith (he will start to hate songs). Hence, success lies in subliming to the level of Share' (Islamic rulings). It is reported in the relic:
((What a devoted worshipper of Allah Suhaib was! His deep love for Allah prevented him from disobeying Him.))
Psychological disorders are the outcome of deviating from Fitrah:
When you establish a connection with Allah and draw closer to Him, you will tend to perfection. This fact leads to a very delicate point which is the difference between Fitrah (an inborn natural predisposition which cannot change, and which exists at birth in all human beings. It is inclined towards right action and submission to Allah, the One Deity) and Sibghah. As for Fitrah, it is installed in every newborn. Also, it means that man loves perfection, and all of us, all Muslims and all mankind since Adam till the Day of Resurrection love perfection as an installed Fitrah in them, and without this Fitrah no one will ever psychologically suffer. Unfortunately, depression becomes an epidemic, but what is depression? It is the outcome of opposing Fitrah, and though man might have no religion, no deterrent whatsoever, no principles and no values, his Fitrah is still inside him.
In a Dutch hotel, this note next to every bed is hanged, "If you could not sleep tonight, be sure that this is not because of our mattress, for they are comfortable and cozy, but it is because of your too many sins." When man disregards his Fitrah, he will be psychologically disturbed, and his disturbance will be manifested in depression, inner breakdown, inferiority or distress, and this anguish is due to deviating from his Fitrah. On the other hand, when man establishes a connection with Allah the Almighty, his ownself will incline to perfection, so Fitrah is to love perfection, but man might not be perfect, whereas Sibghah is to become perfect. The proof is in this example: if a bunch of thieves steal money, they will divide it fairly, because fairness is Fitrah in all of them. Therefore, even when man is deviated from the Right Path, he still has Fitrah installed in him, and when the most dissolute man on earth is about to get married, he will look for a chaste woman. In some cases, a man might make a living from fighting Islam, yet when it comes to his daughter, he makes her join an Islamic school. Well, there are obvious contradictions in these cases, and they are due to having Fitrah which is installed in every newborn.
f man does not love goodness, he will not suffer upon doing evil matters, if man does not love justice, he will not be distressed upon oppressing sh3er and if man does not love mercy, he will not be disturbed upon being harsh to sh3er. Thus, psychological disorders are the outcomes of opposing man's Fitrah.
Whoever repents and reconciles with Allah shall acquire indescribable comfort:
It is deemed important for you to know that loving a command that is Divinely ordained on you is installed in your conscience. Accordingly, the minute you repent to Allah, reconcile with Him and follow His Path, you will gain indescribable comfort as if load-like mountains are removed from your back, and this is because you reconcile with your Fitrah. Even a common man might say, "How comfortable I am after I distributed the inheritance fairly", but if he distributed it unfairly, he will become very distressed. Actually, the self-centered person who minds his own business, but he obeys Allah will feel comfort within as long as he is obedient to Allah. Also, the honest person enjoys his honesty, the just one enjoys his justice and the perfect man enjoys his perfection.
I would go further and say that even if there is no afterlife, the one who follows Allah's Path will be rewarded in the worldly life with tranquility. Allah gives health, cleverness, money and beauty to lots of people, but He gives tranquility only to the selected believers.
Etiquettes go along with Fitrah:
By Allah dear brother, the heart of the believer is filled with tranquility, peace, comfort, happiness, serenity, stability and security that are enough for an entire town. This means that man's faith exalts to a high rank.
If someone drives his latest advanced 2008 model year vehicle on a bumpy road which is full of rocks, dust, bumps and potholes, he will probably hear breaking sounds coming from the car, because it is designed to be driven on a paved road on which it makes no sound, and it functions perfectly. Also, on a paved road, it takes off at a high speed with lowest noise, simply because it is designed to be driven on such a road where it functions in a full swing. Similarly, you are designed to have your actions and deeds in accord with your Fitrah, so if you are married, you are allowed to sleep with you wife, and following that you can offer night prayers submissively, simply because you are with a lawful wife, but if you talk to a strange woman, and you crossed the religious lines in your chat, you will feel distressed. Hence, you are sensitive to errors, and you will immediately feel that you have done something wrong when you are veiled from Allah, because you are programmed, tuned, molded, formed and fashioned to obey Allah, so when you obey Allah and reconcile with your Fitrah, you will gain happiness in the worldly life and in the Hereafter, but if you disobey Him, you will be devastated from within, you will feel inferior and you will feel that you have transgressed someone.
Take for example the husband who has two wives; if he oppresses one of them, he becomes harsh, violent and disturbed from within, because oppressing sh3er contradicts his Fitrah. Thus, Etiquettes go along with Fitrah, while immorality contradicts Fitrah.
I would like to repeat some differences between Fitrah and Sibghah; Fitrah is to love mercy, but Sibghah is to be merciful, which means that Sibghah is a positive thing. Whereas Fitrah is to love good traits like perfection, Sibghah is to strive to be perfect.
Fitrah is installed in all people while Sibghah is acquired:
Etiquettes include Etiquettes of the table, of eating, of drinking, of visiting and of driving. It is immoral to honk the car horn at midnight to inform your wife who is visiting her family on the fourth floor that you arrive instead of calling them.
When the Prophet PBUH used to enter his house, he would wrap his garment around his waist in order not to wake his wife up by the noise it might cause upon touching the ground. This manner is out of Fitrah which is installed in all people. Since we are all molded to love perfection, when we err, we will be distressed and this distress is due to the Fitrah, whereas Sibghah is to strive to be prefect by establishing a connection with Allah, and in such a case one will gain modesty, good manners, mercy and justice. Thus, perfection comes from learning, from being clever or from establishing a connection with Allah. Some people are very clever (though they are far from Allah's Path), and in order to impress sh3er and achieve their own interests, they behave politely, and this behavior is very common, but the minute this person is provoked or his interests are threatened, he will turn into a monster.
A child waved down a taxi in a western country, but the taxi did not stop, so his father filed a lawsuit against the taxi company who were sentenced by the court to pay the father an astronomical sum of money under the pretext that if another taxi did not stop for that child, he would never get home, and so he might get lost forever. How considerable they are, but they never consider entire nations who are dying. This is what a poet refers to in the following two lines:
Killing a man in a town is an unforgivable crime
While killing a Muslim nation is a controversial issue
The war against Iraq left one million killed, one million handicapped and five million homeless, and when the man who was responsible for all those crimes (George W Bush) came to Iraq to be praised, he got a pair of shoes thrown in his face instead.
Allah reveals the hidden agenda of westerners:
Man might impress sh3er and gain their admiration by his cleverness, but when his interests are on line, and when he feels that he is endangered, he turns into a wild beast. It seems that Allah wills all people will discover the tricks of His enemies, so that they will never be fooled by them any longer. What I mean is that before 9/11 the west was admired by the entire world for the freedom they call for, the human rights they defend, the equal opportunities they have, the right to sue anyone, their globalization, the respect of all religions, the high values, the principles and the preserved dignity of man, but after 9/11 the west has turned into a wild beast. In fact, it is upon Allah to reveal the hidden agenda of the one who uses his clever for his own interests.
﴾ Allah will not leave﴿
Allah says:
﴾ The believers in the state in which you are now﴿
If we interpret the Ayah on other levels, we will realize it means that Allah will never leave a nation to suppress other nations under masks, so He will reveal its hidden agenda sooner or later.
The one who is connected with Allah has manners derived from his Sibghah:
The most delicate point in etiquettes is that they are either taught through education or acquired through establishing a connection with Allah. If you go to the west, you will find them very organized and disciplined, they respect sh3er, they are punctual in their appointments and they are honest in their transactions which is very outstanding, but these good manners never stop them from building their civilization on the wreck of other nations, gaining wealth by impoverishing other countries, gaining their glory by humiliating sh3er, having freedom by oppressing sh3er and living at the expense of killing sh3er. This is a very obvious fact, so these kinds of so-called morals do not count, because they are based on interests, but the good manners that count are the ones of the believer which are taught to him before having Sibghah, and later on they become part of him when he establishes a connection with Allah. This is the first fact regarding etiquettes. Allah says:
﴾ The sight (of Prophet Muhammad PBUH) turned not aside (right or left), nor it transgressed beyond (the) limit (ordained for it). ﴿
If you are invited to a house, and while you are there you hear a voice, you find a book or you see a lap top, you are not allowed to do anything, because you need permission from the owner of the house, so you cannot read the book unless he gives you the permission. The believer has decency, which is derived from Sibghah. Others might learn etiquettes from here or there and both (learning manners and having them as Sibghah) are accepted but the etiquettes that become Sibghah in man are more exalted, whereas the third kind of etiquettes which are built on interests, are rejected.
The exalted manners are bestowed by Allah:
Dear brother, the proof of the fact that exalted manners are bestowed by Allah is the following Hadith:
((My Lord perfected my good manners and conduct.))
By Allah dear brother, you might befriend some people for 30 years, yet you never hear any filthy word or dirty joke coming out of their mouths. The manners of the Prophet PBUH were amazing; once he saw a female whose clothes showed her body, so he said:
((O my daughter, these clothes show the size of your bones.))
These words do not exauthor one's lust; "show the size of your bones". Bones do not exauthor one's lust unlike other words.
A female Companion once came to Umar Ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, and said, "O Commander of the Believers, I have never seen any man who is better than my husband. By Allah, during the night he stands to pray, and during the day he fasts. Even on hot days he does not break his fast." Umar then prayed for her forgiveness, and he praised her, saying, "It is only befitting that I should praise one such as you." Our Master Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, was sitting next to him, so he said, "She is making a strong complaint against her husband." (She was complaining to him that she is a young woman and she desires what all women desire). Have you noticed how polite she was while complaining against her husband?
((One of the Prophet's venerable Companions was called 'Uthman bin Math'oun, who was so much devoted to religious observances that he did not care for any of the worldly pleasures or enjoyments, not even his sexual relation with his wife. One day, 'Uthman bin Math'oun's wife came to the Prophet's wife, 'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, in a shabby miserable apparel. When 'A'ishah asked 'Uthman's wife what the matter was with her, the latter answered sadly, "My husband is always fasting during the day and standing in prayer in the night."
'A'ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, informed the Messenger of Allah, (PBUH), of the woman's problem with her husband. The Messenger of Allah, (PBUH), summoned 'Uthman bin Math'oun and addressed him, "O 'Uthman! Do you not take me for a good model?" Uthman said, "I sacrifice my father and mother for you, O Messenger of Allah! What's the matter?" The Messenger of Allah, (PBUH), said, "You fast the day and stand up the night?!" Uthman said, "Yes, indeed. I do." The Messenger of Allah, (PBUH), said, "Do not do! Verily, your body has a right on you; and surely, your wife has a right on you."
Uthman took the Prophet's advice and did well to his wife. The next day, 'Uthman's wife went as happy and beautiful as a bride to the Prophet's house; and the women gathered round her, asking in great astonishment, "What's the matter, O wife of bin Math'oun?!" With utmost joy she replied, "We've had what other people have!"))
Have you noticed how polite she was?
Modesty is a crucial part of religion:
Learn the manners from the Noble Quran.
﴾ When he had sexual relation with her ﴿
This word is decent.
﴾ Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations) ﴿
It is understandable hint.
﴾ And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts) Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame;﴿
Pay attention to this hint:
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors;﴿
The word "Beyond that" embraces all sorts of sexual deviations. The common saying that "Modesty shall never stop you from learning your religion" is wrong, because religion is all about modesty and modesty is learned from the Quran.
The manners derived from Sibghah are never affected:
There is a very strong self-evident Ayah. Allah says:
﴾ And by the Mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently. ﴿
This means: O Muhammad, because of the mercy in your heart, and which is the result of your connection with Allah, you dealt with them gently.
﴾ And had you been severe and harsh-hearted,﴿
If you are disconnected from Allah, this will give you ruthless heart which will make you treat them harshly.
﴾ They would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allah's) Forgiveness for them﴿
Here is another proof:
((Verily, good conducts are from Allah; whoever Allah wills goodness in him will be blessed with good conducts.)) [At-Tabarani by Abi Hurairah]
These are the manners of Sibghah, these are the real deal which is never affected by any interests, circumstance, enmities, poverty, richness, celibacy, marriage, health or illness, and they are unchangeable.
The manners derived from Sibghah and the manners of clever people:
When man is fine he shows the best of his manners, but when he is in hardship, he turns into a wild beast. Concerning this point, I would like to refer to two terms: a moral stand, and a moral human being. To make the difference clear consider this example: if a doctor is driving his car and comes across an accident where there are three injured, blood is everywhere and everyone there knows that he is a doctor, he will stop and take some of the victims in his car (moral stand). In this situation, he acts morally, but deep inside he wishes that he does not have to stop and help, and this is the e difference between him and someone else who will voluntarily stop and help, because he is a moral human being, because he wants to draw close to Allah the Almighty and because he is merciful, so he will save the injured, whereas the former stops and helps them to maintain his reputation. This is exactly the difference between the conducts of the clever people and the conducts out of Sibghah. I encourage you to acquire the latter because therein lies your success, and in such a case nothing that which people say will get to you even if they criticize the good deed you offer.
﴾ (Saying): "We feed you seeking Allah's Countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you. ﴿
This is the disparity between the moral stand and the moral person. There is a difference between paying your debt, because you do not want to be imprisoned, or you do not want the loan giver to redeem his debt in harsh ways like impounding your store or putting you behind bars, and paying it because you fear Allah.
A man swore to me that a person gave him 20 million to invest them, and he did not sign any papers proving that, and he said to me that no one on earth knew anything of that deal, because the money owner was keen, closemouthed and cautious, so he did not make him sign any papers but he trusted him, so he gave him the money without any receipt, but following that he died in an accident, so the man who had the money gave them in full to the deceased's family. When do you reach the highest levels of trust? You do that in the cases wherein no one on earth can judge you or have any evidence against you.
Lowering one's gaze proves man's fear of Allah the Almighty:
Like honesty, lowering the gaze is another good conduct. No law on earth prevents you from stealing a look, and lowering gaze is an absolute religious matter. If someone is at home in a dark room, and a woman in the opposite apartment comes out to the Balcony wearing indecent cloths and having no idea about his existence, he can set his eyes on her and no one can call him to account, can't he?, When he lowers his gaze and does not look at her, this means that he fears Allah. Allah the Almighty says:
﴾ Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal. ﴿
Who knows if the male doctor looks at any part of the female patient's body other than the one he is examining? Only Allah knows:
﴾ Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the breasts conceal. ﴿
Manners come from three sources: Sibghah, teaching and cleverness:
The morals of Sibghah are genuine, and they exalt man to the highest ranks, whereas the other two sorts of morals are the ones man learns and the ones he uses for his own interests, and the west masters these two. Can you imagine that the rights of animals are more important to the west than the rights of humans? I was upset upon being told that the amount of meat the dogs eat in some western countries cannot be afforded by the entire population of India.
When I was in the United States I heard that they do joint and tooth implantation for dogs and implanting a tooth costs 250.000 dollars. They also have psychiatrists for dogs while there are famines in Africa, this is but barbarism. The most recent source to produce fuel for planes is corn and soybean, so in order to have a flight, depending on that sort of fuel, the prices of food products increased ten folds. I have also read an essay two days ago about this subject, and it is really scary, for they are using the food of poor nations and starving people (soybeans, corn, barley and sometimes wheat) to make fuel for planes. This mechanism is used for planes in so many countries like the United States, Canada and Brazil. They are even using sugarcane, which means that they are using sugar to produce fuel for planes, and all of which prove that they have no mercy.
They care about animals' rights while man is honored by Allah the Almighty. westerner's savagery is manifested in other incidents such as killing 20 million sheep in Australia few years ago and burying them under the ground just to keep the prices of meat high, whereas there are nations who are starving and famines are spread in Africa.
Sometimes one of us feels ashamed to belong to man race because some of them turned into beasts that have no modesty, shame, principles, values, morals, patriotism, nationalism or humanity and all one sees is just barbarism. Let alone, the news we watch and listen to about killing people in great numbers as the plague that afflicts sheep, and both the killer and the killed are oblivious of the reason behind such killing. One hundred people are killed in Iraq on daily basis, why is that? There is no reason. Throughout history the killer is killed for his crime, but nowadays man is killed by a bomb while he is walking in the street. Yes, we have come to see the day when the heart of the believer melts in his chest due to the cruelty he sees but he can do nothing to change it.
There must be exalted parents behind every exalted child:
Dear brother, I meant to elaborate to you through this introduction that Islam is all about the Aqeedah, and if it is right, man's deeds are right, so it is the most crucial part of Islam. The acts of worship are the backbone of Islam and its structure, then there are the transactions in Islam and finally, in the fourth place, come etiquettes which are considered a very rich topic that includes the etiquettes of the guests, of visiting a patient, of sitting, of sleeping and of eating.
A man said to me that once he invited some people to lunch, and the main dish was something people of Damascus know as "Kabab Hindi" (Indian Kabab). This dish is made mainly of meat and tomatoes, but the son of one of the guests started eating the meat only, and he finished half of the meat alone and his father did not even noticed that, so is this the way you raise your son? The man swore to me that he was burning out of anger, because nothing was left for the rest of guests but the tomatoes, whereas the meat was gone, so where are the manners? Some children have dignity and refuse the piece of sweet you give to them, because they are well-raised by their families.
((Umar bin Abu Salamah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported:Messenger of Allah (PBUH), said to me, "Mention Allah's Name (i.e., say Bismillah before starting eating), eat with your right hand, and eat from what is near you."))
I have so many stories about the misbehavior of some children while eating; some of them do not even notice that there are other people eating with them, so they eat as they like since they are get used to such a manner at home thinking that all people are rich like their parents. Well, this is unacceptable, because parents should teach them to consider sh3er in banquettes, for may be food is limited to the numbers of guests. I hope that when fathers bring their children to their friend's houses, they are watchful and they will notice every move their children do or where they sit.
I happened once to be in a visit, and the chairs of the guest room where neatly wrapped with snow like white ironed fabric, but a child of one of the guests came in with a filthy shoes and sit on the chair, so where are the etiquettes of sitting in someone's house? The exalted manners of children come from an exalted father and mother, because real success is manifested in the proper upbringing of children.
Etiquettes are crucial part of Islam:
Dear brother, the topic of this lecture is the etiquettes of eating, but since this topic is very delicate I meant to give you an introduction about etiquettes in general, and how they are acquired by man through learning, Sibghah or due to man's cleverness. The etiquettes of the west are of the third type, and when they their interests are threatened, they turn into monsters.
As for the manners that are acquired as Sibghah, they are the most exalted type, and regarding the etiquettes that are learned, they are deemed important for everyone. For example it is impolite that the child walks in front of his father, he should walk by his side or behind him, also the child should not call his father by his name. I entered a house once where there was a ten year old child inclining on the couch, crossing his legs and watching the TV, and he did not move a muscle though we entered the room with his father.
While the great scholar of Islam, Abu Hanifah, was giving a speech about Hajj, a man came and sat down in front of him. He dressed in very rich clothing; he looked like he was from a respectable family. Abu Hanifah's leg was hurting from a previous accident, but he could not stretch his leg out because the man was sitting in front of him, and even though it was painful for Abu Hanifah, he kept his leg folded. When Abu Hanifah asked for questions, the man asked, "How do we offer Fajr if the sun rises before Fajr", the question was so stupid, so Abu Hanifah said, "At last Abu Hanifah gets his opportunity to stretch out his leg again." Some questions are shot from the hip, other questions are embarrassing, some of them are rude and sh3er show ignorance. Not to mention, people sometimes sit improperly.
A brother told me that in the Masjid during a religious session, there was a man who was sitting with his back to the wall, then he inclined and after a while he slept. You should consider the etiquettes of being in the Masjid, of being at home, of attending assemblies and of dressing. In some families the young brother wander around the house in their underwear in front of his sisters, and the daughter wanders around the house in transparent cloths in front of her brother, which is totally forbidden.
I keep repeating that etiquettes are crucial part of Islam, and you can tell when a child has been taught etiquettes from the way he speaks, from his modesty and from the way he asks for permission before entering instead of entering right away.
I will start next lecture with the etiquettes of eating because it is a daily repeated routine three times a day, and so it is essential to tackle it. The etiquettes of eating involve eating from the food near the child, using the right hand to eat, mentioning the Name of Allah before eating, praising Allah after eating, the meaning of Bismi Allah (saying Bismi Allah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem: In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful), leaving food for his siblings, avoiding being picky when he eats fruits and refraining from fighting with his brother over the bigger piece of fruit. Instead, the child should be taught how to be selfless. These issues will be discussed insha' Allah next lecture.
