- Islamic Education / Children education in Islam
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- Chidren education 2008
Instructing children to respect the elders:
Dear brothers, this is lesson No. 30 of the series Children Upbringing in Islam, and it is about the social education and how to teach children to acknowledge the rights of the elders.
Dear brothers, the worst thing ever a child may do is to encroach upon an old person. The Prophet PBUH said:
(('Amr bin Shu'aib (may Allah be pleased with him) on the authority of his father who heard it from his father reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: "He is not one of us who shows no mercy to younger ones and does not acknowledge the honour due to our elders".))
((He is not one of us…))
The Prophet PBUH relegated this person from belonging to Islam.
((He is not one of us…))
By the way, there are a lot of Ahadeeth which contain such negative form that donates the same meaning, and this emphasizes the grave nature of the action done by the Muslim. Here are some examples of such Ahadeeth:
((Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Prophet (PBUH) said: "Anyone who incites a woman against her husband or a slave against his master is not one of us."))
((Abduallah, may Allah be pleased with him, said: The Prophet PBUH said: "He who slaps his cheeks, tears his clothes and follows the ways and traditions of the Days of Ignorance is not one of us."))
((Jubair bin Mut'em narrated that the Prophet PBUH said: "He is not one of us who calls to tribalism. He is not one of us who fights for the sake of tribalism. He is not one of us who dies following the way of tribalism."))
Thus, a lot of Ahadeeth contain this negative form:
((…is not one of us…))
What comes after this phrase indicates the grave nature of the deed referred to: nature.
((He is not one of us who does not respect our elders.))
This means that Muslims should acquire very exalted manners, among which is to honor the elders, have sympathy towards children and acknowledge the value of scholars (knowledgeable people).
Respecting knowledgeable people is part of man's faith:
Dear brothers, who is the elder by definition? We should define that term. First of all, the elder is the one who is old in age, and he deserves to be respected. Regarding this point, the Prophet PBUH said:
((Anas bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "If a young man honors an older person on account of his age, Allah appoints someone to show reverence to him in his old age"))
((He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.))
Second, the knowledgeable scholar is referred to by the term "elder". Appreciating the people of Islamic knowledge is a very important part of your faith. In one of the European countries, the teacher has almost the highest rank in the society, and this pushes people to seek knowledge, but when the teacher is undermined, people will not choose teaching as a career. A poet said:
Stand up for the teacher out of respect
The teacher's craft is the craft of Prophets
I am not exaggerating if I say that showing respect to the elders (whether they are teachers, knowledgeable people or old in age) marks how far a society is disciplined morally. It is said, "The elder is the knowledgeable person even if he is young, and as long as he seeks knowledge, he is an elderly man (i.e. deserves to be respected), whereas the ignorant person is young (i.e. considered a child) even if he is old in age." When old people serve under a young architect in a ministry, they all call him "sir" though he may be half of their ages, but he deserves that honoring and that position due to the knowledge he sought.
Respecting parents is one of Allah's Graces upon the Islamic countries:
In fact, the nation which honors the elders is a civilized one. As I see it, the most honoring deed one can perform towards the elders is to refrain from sending them to nursing homes, because this is the utmost offend they might get in their old age especially if they have sons and daughters. In the west, the elderly are sent to a nursing home, and though it might be a 5 star home in offering services, the old person longs to be with his children and grandchildren. We are blessed in the Islamic countries with the grace of keeping old people with their children to look after them and meet their needs until they die.
A man took his father to a far western country for medication, but the doctor told him that there was no hope, and that he just had few days to live, so he said to him, "You can go back home and leave him here", but the man did not leave the country and upon being asked by the doctor about the reason, he said, "I cannot do that." At that moment the doctor realized that Muslims have values which prevent them from leaving their fathers in their old age. It is a grace from Allah in the Islamic countries that the father and the mother are respected. The most humiliating thing that prevails in a society is losing respect towards the elders (by those around them). The most eloquent words concerning this point are the ones of the Prophet PBUH:
((He is not one of us who does not respect the elders.))
The different indications of "Elders":
1- He is the old one in age:
The narrowest meaning the word elder refers to is the one who is old in age.
((He is not one of us who does not respect the elders))
Sometimes there are no available seats in the bus, so when an old man takes the bus and a young man is sitting, he most likely will give his seat to him, and this is outstanding behavior.
Bear in mind that The more you are keen on teaching your son to respect the elders, the more people love him. It was reported that our Master Ali was sitting once next to the Prophet PBUH when our Master Abu Bakr came in, so Ali stood up and gave his seat to Abu Bakr, and upon that the Prophet PBUH said:
((Grace for meritorious people could only be acknowledged by meritorious people.))
2- The knowledgeable man:
Elder also denotes the knowledgeable person.
3- The powerful man:
The elder refers to the man in power, so if a district manager is young, yet he strives to serve his districts, to treat people fairly, to meet their needs and to ensure their safety and security, this person deserves to be respected and appreciated.
I would like to repeat the meanings the word elder refers to: it means the old man, the knowledgeable one or the man in power. Also the generous man must be honored as well.
Allah decreed that the security of countries is in the hands of their rulers:
If a person meets the governor of the city, he should show him respect, because the governor is mainly the one in charge of keeping the city secured. Since the believer is polite, he gives people their due, because rudeness and encroaching are not traits of his.
Is there any person more eloquent than the Prophet PBUH? When the Prophet PBUH sent his letter to the Emperor of the Romans, he said,
"From Muhammad, son of Abdullah to Heraclius the Great Leader of the Romans", and though Heraclius is not great in the sight of the Messenger of Allah PBUH, out of courtesy, decency and diplomacy, he PBUH addressed him that way. This teaches us to respect those in charge of official positions who are known for their kindness and good reputation, those who are knowledgeable, and those who are old in age, and this is the minimum limits we should level with. To be honest with you, I have never known the value of a secured country until Baghdad fell. Do you remember what happened? Everything was stolen.
Nothing tops the grace of security, and Allah the Almighty relates the security of any country with its rulers and the men in power who are responsible for its safety. Hence, if someone has a good reputation, if he is righteous and he is in an important position, he deserves to be respected, and it is one of the duties upon the believer to respect him. In return for that respect, the man in power should serve people and should keep an eye on the interests of his district, but if he is not treated with respect, or he is insulted, he will take revenge, and this is the way of life.
Keep in mind that Islam has four major categories: Aqeedah, acts of worship, transactions and morals, and the series of these lectures are mostly about morals.
Controlling the tongue is one of the believer's characteristics:
I am impressed with the exalted manners of the companions. Once our Master Al-Abbass (the uncle of the Prophet PBUH), may Allah be pleased with him, and who is older in age than the Prophet PBUH, was asked, "Who is Akbar (this Arabic word has many meanings in English and among them are: older, greater, more exalted and more powerful) you or the Prophet PBUH?" To which he answered, "He is Akbar (greater) than me, but I was born before him." I was once in a city in a neighboring country where a notable scholar died and left many sons. One of them was an Islamic knowledge seeker, so his older brothers allow him to take over after his late father in teaching, in public speech and in religious sessions. I asked one of his older brothers (though I already knew the answer), "Who is older you or your brother?" He said, "He is greater than me, but I was born before him." Politeness is very impressing.
This reminds me of the politeness of wife of a companion. Ash-Sha'bi, may Allah have mercy upon him, reported that Ka'b Bin Sur was sitting with Umar when a woman came and said, "O Ameer al-Mu'mineen! I have never seen a man better then my husband. By Allah, he prays the night and fasts the day." Upon hearing this, Umar praised the woman and supplicated for her, and she shyly departed. Ka'b then said, "O Ameer al-Mu'mineen! Shouldn't you have considered her accusation against her husband, for she indeed was quite eloquent in her complaint!?" ]Recorded by Ibn Abi Shaybah and others. Verified to be authentic by Al-Albani (Irwa’ ul-Ghalil no. 2016.[
Have you noticed how polite she was while complaining against her husband's negligence? What impresses you about the true believer is that you may live with him for 30 years without hearing him say even one bad word or one filthy expression. He never mentions any of the private parts, and he never tells dirty jokes or gives any sexual hints. The true believer is marked by a clean tongue.
Watch your tongue O man,
Lest it bites you for it is a snake
Many people are buried because of their tongues
Though brave people used to fear meeting them
One inappropriate word might be enough to end man's life or to fire him. Let me tell you a story which has an outstanding moral. It was narrated that a man wanted to win a bet he had with others on how tolerant Mu'awiyah was, so he asked a little boy to tab him on his behind (it was reported that he had a big behind), while he was climbing the Minbar (pulpit), but since Mu'awiyah was shrewd, he knew that there was a bet, and that the boy did not do that on his own, so he said to the boy, "Win the bet son", and he did nothing to him. However, that boy did the same with another person, and that man killed him, so people said, "Mu'awiyah's forbearance killed the boy." We learn from this story that we should not keep silent out of mercy when someone exceeds limits with you, because someone else might not be merciful like you, and he might react violently. The same goes for any child, for you must stop him when he crosses the line.
Every father should be keen on the manners of his children:
Frankly, the politeness of the child is what makes him adorable, while his bad manners make him ill-favored especially when he does not respect anyone, he sits in a rude way, he raises his voice in front of the guests or he crosses the line, and this indicates that his father neglects raising him properly. Looking after the good manners of our children is a crucial part of their upbringing.
((Anas bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "If a young man honours an older person on account of his age, Allah appoints someone to show reverence to him in his old age))
The polite child does not walk in front of his father, does not call him by his name and does not sit before his father. Consider the following Hadith:
((If a young man honors an older person…))
In Arabic when we use nunnation at the end of a word this means that the noun is not definite, and in the previous Hadith the word "Older person" in Arabic has nunnation, which means that it indicates any old person whether he is Muslim or non-Muslim, so you should honor the old person in general. If you own a car, and you see an old man with lots of stuff in his hand, you will be greatly rewarded if you give him a ride to his destination.
((If a young man honors an older person on account of his age,))
Both the young man and the older person are indefinite nouns:
((If a young man honors…))
It does not matter who this old man is; whether you know him or not, and whether he is a Muslim or not; and it is enough that he is old. As I have mentioned earlier, the elder might indicate the old man in age, the knowledgeable man or the man who occupies an important official position, so if this official figure is righteous, and he fulfills his duties towards people, such as serving them and being keen on their interests, he deserves to be respected, and this respect will encourage him to devote himself more, but if he is undermined or belittled, he will subconsciously neglect people.
What goes around comes around:
There is a deduction from the following Hadith, which I do not agree with 100%, but out of optimism I will mention it. When you are young and you honor someone in his eighties, Allah might make you live until you reach eighty years old and let a young man honor you the same way you did to that old man when you were young.
((If a young man honors an older person on account of his age, Allah appoints someone to show reverence to him in his old age))
According to the previous deduction, good deeds extend man's life. On the other hand, whoever insults an old man shall be insulted when he becomes old. I was told a story that while he was in the train station, an old man boarded the train (the one which used to take people from Damascus city to the suburb (Zabadani), and there was a group of young men who seemed to be non-religious, so they forced him to leave the train, but when he insisted, they hit him, so he left the train weeping. When a man approached him to sooth his heart he said, "By Allah I did the same to my father in this very spot thirty years ago." That old man insulted his father, so Allah sent him someone to insult him in his old age. Hence, what goes around comes around.
((Righteousness is never wasted away, sin is never forgotten and the Dayyaan (Allah the Judge) never sleeps, so be as you wish; how you deal with others is how you will be dealt with.))
I have a friend from Egypt whose family is very big as he has so many relatives. Once he said to me, "One of our relatives became very old, and he could not walk any more, but that man received an excellent service from his children though he was not very distinguished (religiously speaking), and what he offered his children was very average, and his children were not very religious. However, when that man became invalid and could not walk any more, his children served him beyond imagination. Later on, I discovered the secret behind that; that man served his mother when she was paralyzed due to a stroke, and he was very devoted in meeting her needs. For that reason, Allah made his children honor him in his old age." Glory be to Allah.
(('Amr bin Shu'aib (may Allah be pleased with him) on the authority of his father who heard it from his father reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: "He is not one of us who shows no mercy to younger ones and does not acknowledge the honour due to our elders".))
Man's value is derived from his exalted manners and respect to others:
Man sometimes excels in life and might occupy a position that is higher than his father's. A brother told me a story that happened in Damascus old castle. He said that there was a father who used to be a warrant, whereas his son was an officer (higher in rank than his father). According to military laws, the warrant must salute the officer, so each time this father did that, his son "the officer" used to take his father's hand in front of all the soldiers and kiss it, showing them how important his father was to him. Hence, no matter how high the son's position is, it will not be compromised if he respects his parent before people. On the contrary, he will be exalted in their eyes. On the other hand, if you are richer than your father, or you have got a higher certificate than his, such as a PHD, but you insult your father in a way or another, you would better remove Dr. from your name.
Man's value is derived from his good manners, so you should be dutiful to your parents who are the reason behind your existence, regardless of your position, scientific degree or knowledge. When I was in the United States, one of the most brilliant physicians, who is from Damascus, said to me, "I used to live in the refugee camp that was resided by Palestinian refugees, and families in the camp at that time lived in tents (not in houses as at present day). The main street was far from our tent, so in order to reach it I had to go through dusty road which turned in winter into a muddy road where mud might be 30 centimeters deep. When I used to study at the faculty of medicine, my mother would carry a cruet full of water, my socks and my shoes, and then she would walk her way through the muddy road with me until I reached the main street. After that she would wash my feet from mud, put my socks and shoes on, and then I would head to the university. She used to wait for my return from the university to do the same." Then he wept and continued, "Once I needed a book, so she sold the gold bracelets she owned to bought me the book". He is now a brilliant physician. He said, "She did not have the chance to see me a successful doctor for she died before I graduated." Respecting and cherishing such a devoted mother is a crucial part of man's life.
A brother used to have a very difficult job, and he said to me once, "I pay for my brother's expenses to study at the faculty of medicine", so I said to myself, "Had it not been for this man, his brother would never have been a doctor. If one day the latter denies his brother's favor, he will be considered a criminal."
Honoring his parents, the elders and the knowledgeable:
Life is all about relations, generosities and virtues. I was touched by the story of the doctor whose mother devoted herself for him and helped him in the muddy road. As he told me the road was muddy, so his mother used to carry a cruet full of water, his socks and his shoes, and she used to walk her way through the muddy road with him until they reached the main street. After that she used to wash his feet from mud to put his socks and his shoes on, and then he used to head to the university. Furthermore, she used to wait for his return from the university to do the same. Such a mother should be honored.
You will be estimable when you honor your parents, respect the elders in general, cherish the people of knowledge and respect the man in power if he is righteous. I have already told you that the phrase, "He is not one of us" is the strongest negative form used:
((Jubair bin Mut'em narrated that the Prophet PBUH said: "He is not one of us who calls to tribalism. He is not one of us who fights for the sake of tribalism. He is not one of us who dies following the way of tribalism."))
((He is not one of us whoever extorts or plunders.))
((Narrated Abu Hurairah: The Prophet (PBUH) said: "Anyone who incites a woman against her husband or a slave against his master is not one of us."))
A brother might pay a visit to his sister in Eid, and might say to her, "What a terrible house you have?", or he may say, "This is not a suitable house, so why do you accept to live in it?" Well, she accepts to live in such a house, because she loves her husband though his financial resources are limited. Actually, this brother provokes his sister against her husband when he says that. The same goes for saying something to a slave to provoke him against his master, and since there is no slavery at present, when you talk badly about an employee's boss, it is like provoking a slave against his master, so if you say to him, "How much does he pay you?" intending by that undermining his salary, this is but provoking him against his boss, and you overlook that he is satisfied with the salary he gets. Man should stay away from breaking ties and relations.
((He is not one of us whoever causes separation.))
As a believer, your mission is to bring hearts together not to sow dissention between people or break ties.
((Abu Hurairah narrated: The Prophet (PBUH) said: "Anyone who incites a woman against her husband or a slave against his master is not one of us."))
It is out of reverence to Allah to respect an aged Muslim:
The following Hadith refers to the elder as the person who is old in age:
((It is out of reverence to Allah in respecting an aged Muslim,))
Is it only the aged Muslim?
((… And the one who commits the Qur'an to memory and does not exaggerate pronouncing its letters nor forgets it after memorizing, and to respect the just ruler))
((Abu Musa (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "It is out of reverence to Allah in respecting an aged Muslim, and the one who commits the Qur'an to memory and does not exaggerate pronouncing its letters nor forgets it after memorizing, and to respect the just ruler".))
As I said earlier, the old, the knowledgeable and the man in power who follows Allah's Path should be respected. It has been said, "Repentance is good, but it is better while man is young, Haya' (modesty) is good, but it is better when it is shown by women, justice is good, but it is better when it is established by rulers (the fair ruler is the best thing in life), generosity is good, but it is better when it is a trait of rich people and patience is good but it is better when poor people manifest it."
Repentance adorns the young man and modesty adorns the young woman:
The best trait in the young man is repentance and uprightness, and the best trait in the young woman is modesty. As the course of lifetime approaches its end, women become with no coyness; their faces are no more bashful, men are no more chivalrous, and leaders are no more merciful. Pay attention to the following Ayah:
﴾ Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. ﴿
She showed high level of modesty. By Allah, I am not exaggerating if I say that the most beautiful thing in a woman is her modesty which shows her femininity even more.
﴾ Then there came to him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: "Verily, my father calls you that he may reward you for having watered (our flocks) for us." So when he came to him and narrated the story, he said: "Fear you not. You have escaped from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, disbelievers, and wrong-doers)."﴿
Prophetic manners and the manners of the companions:
Dear brothers:
((It was reported that the Prophet PBUH received a delegation from the tribe "Abdul Qais." They said, "We came to the Prophet PBUH, and he was very delighted to see us, and when we reached the assembly, people made a place for us so that we can sit. The Prophet PBUH warmly welcomed us, and then he looked at us and said, "Who is your leader and chief?" All of us pointed to Al Munthir bin A'ith, and when the latter approached the Prophet PBUH, people made a path for him until he reached the Prophet PBUH, and he sat to the right of the Prophet PBUH, so the Prophet PBUH welcomed him, he was nice to him and he asked him about his land))
Have you noticed how the companions made a path and a space to those visitors and to their leader? These are the manners which we should acquire as believers.
Praying behind the elder as Imam in Salah and giving him the floor to speak is out of honoring him. In awards ceremonies, they usually choose the oldest guest to give the awards, and this is out of honoring the elders.
((Abu Mas'ud Al-Ansari (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) would place his hands upon our shoulders when we would form rows for As-Salat (the prayer) and say, "Stand in straight rows and do not differ among yourselves, or else your hearts will differ due to disaccord.))
Whenever people visited the Prophet PBUH, he used to show great generosity and excellent hospitality. This is an aspect of the Prophet's exalted character PBUH.
I would like to stress that one of the grave errors is letting the child make fun of the old person.
Do not criticize or undermine your son's teacher in front of him:
In fact, the teacher will not give the best of his knowledge to his student if he is mocked by them, but when they respect him and he is treated fairly, he will do his best to pass his knowledge to the students. I cannot imagine someone undermining the teacher's position. As a father you are not allowed to criticize your son's teacher in front of your son, simply because your son follows the steps of his teacher. Thus, you should not say to your son, "Your teacher is not a good one, for he understands nothing." Instead, you should go to your son's school and talk to his teacher there to discuss things with him, because telling your son that his teacher is wrong will cause a big problem.
(('Imran bin Husain (may Allah be pleased with them) reported: Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Modesty does not bring anything except good."))
Modesty and timidity:
I would like to pay your attention to the big difference between modesty and timidity. While modesty is an exalted manner, timidity is a psychological disorder, for the shy person is not able to reclaim his rights, whereas the modest person is the one who abstains from disobeying Allah. Thus, modesty is a virtue, whereas timidity is a flaw.
((The Prophet PBUH said, "O Aishah, had modesty been a man, he would have been a pious one…"))
((… And had obscenity been a man, he would have been a despicable one))
A man once was saying offensive words though he was well dressed, so a person said to him, "Either you dress as you speak or you talk like you dress."
((Ibn Mas'ud (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing."))
Jokes that contain sexual hints and mentioning private parts or having dirty indications in speech contradict the believer's faith. Once the Prophet PBUH saw Asmaa' with clothes that show her body, so he said:
((O my daughter, these clothes show the size of your bones.))
As you can see the word "bones" does not incite the sexual desires of the listener, but using any other word might do. In the Quran Allah the Almighty says:
﴾ And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts)* Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, for then, they are free from blame; ﴿
The Noble Quran teaches us modesty:
Pay attention to the following Ayah:
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors;﴿
This Ayah embraces all sorts of sexual deviations, but Allah the Almighty is above mentioning any of them or any of their details in the Quran.
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that﴿
﴾ Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
When a child reads this Ayah, he will comprehend its most innocent indication (man's hand touching the woman's hand).
﴾ And you find no water, perform Tayammum with clean earth and rub therewith your faces and hands (Tayammum)﴿
﴾ When he "Taghashaha" (had sexual relation with her), she became pregnant and she carried it about lightly.﴿
How exalted the Noble Quran is! It teaches us the good manners.
﴾ When he "Taghashaha" (had sexual relation with her)﴿
﴾ Or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations)﴿
﴾ But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors;﴿
Modesty is fundamental in man's faith:
Dear brothers,
((Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Indecency does not leave anything untainted and decency does not leave anything ungraced and embellished."))
((It was narrated from Anas that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Every religion has its distinct characteristic, and the distinct characteristic of Islam is modesty."))
As you all know, the Prophet PBUH said:
((Indeed modesty is a branch of faith.))
Hence, when you raise your son to be modest and polite, all people will love him, but if you turn a blind eye to his impoliteness and rudeness, people will hate him. You all notice how adorable the polite child is, and how ill-favored the rude child is. Therefore, when you are keen on teaching your son the good manners, you will make people love him.
Dear brothers, educating the children to respect the elders is very essential, and it is crucial that the child respect his father, his uncle and his old relatives. These are main points in this blessed meeting.
