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Islamic Fiqh- Miscellaneous Topics- Lesson (01): The conjugal rights of the wife
In the Name of Allah, The Most Gracious, Most Merciful  

The moral rights of the wife:

1- Good cohabitation:

 Dear believer brother, concerning the topic "Marriage", we have reached the rights of the wife. We clarified that the rights of the wife are the materialisticrights, such like dowry, trousseau and alimony, and the moral ones. The first moral right is good cohabitation.

2- Protecting the wife:

 Beside the good cohabitation, the wife has the right of being protected, but what does "protecting the wife" mean? It means that the husband has to look after his wife and guard her honor from being insulted. Husbands, in some cases, satisfy their needs from their wives, but they don't look after their honor, reputation nor do they guard them. They disregard the Shari'ah rulings ordained by the Almighty Allah. Actually, the husband is responsible before Allah the Almighty for his wife's honor, reputation and dignity. Bukhari reported that Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Allah becomes jealous and the believer becomes jealous- being jealous on the wife is a good manner. Allah's jealousy occurs when a believer does what He has made unlawful for him.))

[Bukhari, by Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him]

The difference between Allah's jealousy and the believer's:

 What is the difference between the jealousy of Allah and the one of the believer? The Almighty Allah gets jealous of His slave when he disobeys Him. The proof is that when man sins, Allah makes him approach Him safe and sound by afflicting him with calamities. Allah also gets jealous when man puts his trust in a human being (instead of Allah), and the proof is that when man puts his trust in other than Allah, Allah lets him down. If one depends on another human being, pins his hopes on him or humiliates himself before this man and that one who is but another helpless human being, Allah gets jealous, and thus He will make this person, whom he puts his trust in, the cause of his disappointment. Hence, resorting to other than Allah makes Him jealous. Some of the interpreters of the Noble Quran said that the reason why Allah ordered Ibrahim, peace be upon him, to slaughter his son Isma'il, peace be upon him, is that the Noble Prophet Ibrahim counted on his son Isma'il. As a result, Allah the Almighty got jealous. If the believer thought that his wife is the reason of his relief and happiness, she will wrong him definitely, because Allah gets jealous. He created the husband to worship Him, not his wife. Hence, Allah gets jealous when man finds his own salvation or puts his trust in any party other than Him. This is the jealousy of Allah. Also, Allah gets jealous when his slave is heedless and is indulged in the pleasures of the worldly life, so Allah reminds his slave of Him through afflictions in order to hear his supplication.

 To make Allah's jealousy clear to you, consider the example of a father who had chosen his son's bride and paid all the expenses of his marriage, but the son who used to visit his father daily before he got married, reduced his visits to his father since he got married to be once every month. Therefore, the father got sad and jealous, and he asked his son, "Have you forgotten your own father since you got married?". Much in the same line, when the believer is in hardship, and he invokes the Almighty Allah to make him relieved, Allah answers his Du'a and grants him what he wants, but if the believer forgets Allah after that, Allah gets jealous and takes back the graces he bestows upon him. Allah's jealousy is manifested in taking whatever grace on which man relays instead of Allah.

 As for the believer's jealousy:

((And the believer becomes jealous. Allah's jealousy occurs when a believer does what He has made unlawful for him.))

[Bukhari, by Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him]

 Ibn Mas'ood narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((By Allah, there is no one more jealous than Allah, and prohibition of fawahesh (major sins) is part of Allah's Jealousy.))

[Agreed upon, by Ibn Mas'ood]

 Because Allah gets jealous, He prohibited major sins. Allah gets jealous when a husband loves a woman other than his wife, or when the wife loves a man other than her husband. Allah has prohibited such a thing, because a spouse should only love his spouse. Allah says:

((And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts from illegal sexual acts)* Except with their wives and the (women slaves and captives) whom their right hands possess, for (then) they are not to be blamed, But whosoever seeks beyond that, then it is those who are trespassers.))

[Al-Ma'arij, 29-31]

((No one is more jealous than Allah. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret. And no one is more fond of praise than Allah on account of which Allah has promised Paradise, and no one, is more fond of accepting an excuse than Allah, on account of which He has sent messengers, announcers of glad tidings and warners;))

[Agreed upon, by Ibn Mas'ood]

 The Hadith is very beautiful, as it shows Allah's Attributes.

((It was narrated that Sa'd ibn 'Ubaadah said, "If I were to see a man with my wife, I would strike him with a sword, and not with the flat side of it." When the Messenger of Allaah heard this, he said [Are you surprised at Sa'd's jealousy? By Allah, I am more jealous than he, and Allah is more jealous than I. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret. And no one is more jealous than Allah, and no persons, is more fond of accepting an excuse than Allah, on account of which He has sent messengers, announcers of glad tidings and warners; and no one is more fond of praise than Allah on account of which Allah has promised Paradise.]))

[Agreed upon, by Al Mughirah Ibn Shu'abah]

 If the seller wants to sell a woman something, he shouldn't gaze at her or talk to her intimately, lest Allah gets jealous, because he is allowed to do this only to his wife. The same goes for a woman; she should guard her honor, lest Allah gets jealous. Hence, chastity marks the male and female believers.

 Some people naively think that men are flawless. By Allah whatever brings shame to women brings shame to men in the world of believers, whereas in the world of ignorant men are flawless, while everything brings shame to women. In fact, men and women stand on equal footing in terms of shame.

Three types of people are overlooked by Allah on the Day of Resurrection:

1- The undutiful son:

((Three (types of people) Allaah will not look at them on the Day of Judgment: the one who is undutiful to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the Dayyooth (a man who approves of indecency among his womenfolk). And three (types of people) will not enter Paradise: an undutiful son, one who casts up what he has given and one who is addicted to wine.))

[An-Nasa'ee and Ahmad, by Abdullah by his father]

 The undutiful child is one of them. The relation of the parents to their child is the most intimate relation, so the child who is undutiful to his parents will never enter Paradise, the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Let the person who is undutiful to his parents does what he wants as he will never enter Al-Jannah (Paradise).))

[Al-Hakem, by Mu'ath Ibn Jabal, may Allah be pleased with him]

 In another narration:"He will not be forgiven". If there were more bad word than "Uff" (a word of disrespect in Arabic, and it is uttered to express grumbling), Allah would used it. Therefore, moving the lips with the letter f (Al F'a in the word Uff) in Arabic grumbling in the face of the parents is even an act of being undutiful:

 ((Whoever casts an angry look at his father is not (in fact) kind to him.))
 If the father asks his son to buy something from the market, but the son gives him the look (of grumbling), and then he goes to bring what his father needs, his look is an act of disobedience. Hence, being proud of the parents is one of the traits of the believers. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((May Allah have mercy on the father who helps his child (male or female) to be dutiful to him.))

[Kashf Al-Khafaa', narrated Abu Shaikh in Al Thawab by weak authentication, by Ali and Ibn Umar Marfooan]

2- The Dayyooth (a man who approves of indecency among his womenfolk):

((Three (types of people) Allaah will not look at them on the Day of Judgment: the one who is undutiful to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the Dayyooth (a man who approves of indecency among his womenfolk). And three (types of people) will not enter Paradise: an undutiful son, one who casts up what he has given and one who is addicted to wine.))

[An-Nasa'ee and Ahmad, by Abdullah by his father]

 Who is the Dayyooth? The Prophet, peace be upon him, defined the Dayyooth in another As7adeth, he said:

((It is the one who approves the indecency of his womenfolk, and who is void of jealousy.))

 To be more specific: men who approve adultery in the Islamic countries are very few; they are not more than 5 percent, but those who approve indecency among their womenfolk are many. You can notice how a husband doesn't care when his wife hangs the laundry in the balcony dressing indecently. Such a man is a Dayyooth according to the definition of the Prophet, peace be upon him. Also, the Dayyooth is whoever allows his wife to wear makeup and dress her best clothes feeling proud of her, and so he introduces her to his friends saying here is my masoon (respectful) wife. Well, what a masoon wife she is! Hence, he who approves adultery among his womenfolk or doesn't get jealous of his women is a Dayyooth and will not enter Paradise.

 Do not think that what I am saying is rigidity. Actually, the woman who exposes her beauty to a stranger causes bad consequences, the least of which is making men fall in love with her. Even the man whose heart is chaste will be emotionally affected by the woman who he meets at work or in a room if he gazes at her beauty. He may say nothing to her, but admiring her beauty will disconnect him from the Almighty Allah. Man will never be disconnected from Allah if he is fond of his wife only, because this is a Halal relation. Being affectionate to His wife will not affect his proper performance of Salat; he will be able to pray Isha', Fajr and the other prayers submissively, and he will be able to approach Allah and keep contemplating His Perfection along with his love and affection to his wife. His fondness will not affect his performance of the act of worship, because it pleases the Almighty Allah. The noble Prophet, peace be upon him, even said:

((Verily when a man looks at his wife and she looks at him, Allaah will look at them both with glance of Mercy.))

((Whatever you spend will be considered a Sadaqah for you, even the mouthful of food you put in the mouth of your wife.))

 As if Allah in His Loftiness is pleased with the married couple who love one another, glory be to Allah! Allah is pleased to see affection among the married couples and to see the wife does her best to please her husband and vice versa. This is Halal relation, and marriage is the only permitted way to have a relation with a woman.

((And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts from illegal sexual acts)* Except with their wives and the (women slaves and captives) whom their right hands possess, for (then) they are not to be blamed, But whosoever seeks beyond that, then it is those who are trespassers.))

[Al-Ma'arij, 29-31]

3- The woman who imitates men:

 I mentioned those who will not enter Paradise; they are the undutiful children, the Dayyooth and the masculine woman who imitates men in the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they behave and they way they act. Such a woman mistakenly thinks that by doing so, she will attract people's attention. Psychiatrists say: "The woman is a female who is full of femininity, but her femininity will be lost if she acts like men, and so she will lose the most beautiful thing in her." When a woman deals with sh3er rudely, raises her voice while talking to them and behaves like men, she will lose her femininity. Her behavior is masculine when she keeps looking at you while you are lowering your gaze in shyness. Such a woman is Rajilah (masculine one).

 Narrated Ibn Abbass he said: the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Allah curses men who imitate women and women who imitate men.))

[Agreed upon, by Ibn Abbass]

 Hence, the Rajilah, the Dayyooth and the undutiful child will never enter Paradise. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

(("There are three that will never enter Paradise: Ad-Dayyooth, and the Raijlah from the women, and the habitual drunkard". They said: "O Messenger of Allah: We know what the habitual drunkard is but what is the Dayyooth? He said: "the one who does not care who enters upon his household"))

[Addala'el in Hadith Ghareeb, by Ammar Ibn Yaser]

 In some cases the wife tells her husband, "Your friend came while you weren't at home", so he says: "Did you let him come in? It is indecent not to do so." She says, "How would you like me to welcome him to our house while you were not in here?", but the husband doesn't care about that. Sometimes a husband asks his wife to bring him something before his friend saying, "Bring my friend coffee". How could he ask her to come in before his friend? This is impermissible, and whoever permits that is Dayyooth.

((They said "O Messenger of Allah: We know what the habitual drunkard is but what is the Dayyooth? He said: "the one who does not care who enters upon his household" so we said: "Who is the Rajilah woman?" He, peace be upon him, said: "She is the one who imitates men."))


 Man ought to be jealous of his wife, but he is supposed to be moderate in his jealousy. Jealousy is of two kinds: the healthy jealousy and the excessive one. We have two extreme situations and a healthy one. The first extreme situation is the excessive jealousy, the second extreme situation is the absence of jealousy, like the situation of the Dayyooth; careless and indifferent and the third healthy situation is the moderate jealousy in which man will not exaggerate in doubting his wife, will not sickly follow her wherever she goes or will not count her faults. These acts will ruin the marital relation and will break apart what Allah has ordered to be brought together.

((There is jealousy which Allah loves and jealousy which Allah hates. That which Allah loves is jealousy regarding a matter of doubt, and that which Allah hates is jealousy regarding something which is not doubtful. There is pride which Allah hates and pride which Allah loves. That which Allah loves is a man's pride when fighting (in the Cause of Allah) and when giving Sadaqah; and that which Allah hates is pride shown by oppression.))

[An-Nasa'ee, Abu Dawood and Ahmad, by Jaber Ibn Ateeq Al-Ansari]

 Jealousy comes after doubt; when a husband notices that there is something fishy, or he is uncomfortable towards a certain situation, his jealousy is justified and Allah likes it. However, if your wife is a chaste believer, and you have never seen something wrong with her behavior you should not keep an eye on her actions, or bug her phone in order to listen to her phone calls. This exaggeration will ruin the marital relation. Hence, Allah loves the jealousy which is the outcome of profound doubts, but He hates the one which is unjustified, and which negatively affects the relation between the spouses.
 Regarding, the jealousy of the wife, there is also two extreme situations of jealousy and a healthy one. The woman who is never jealous of her husband has something wrong with her, and the one who exhausts her husband by giving him the third degree whenever he comes home or goes out has something wrong with her too, but the healthy situation is when the wife is jealous of her husband doubting his behavior, and when she is not jealous of him since she knows very well his good conducts.

((And pride which Allah loves. That which Allah loves is a man's pride when fighting (in the Cause of Allah)))

 This means when you face Allah's enemy, you should look strong: ((and Allah hates the walking in haughty pride save in the times of facing Allah's enemy.))

Allah loves the imperturbable man in adversities:

 Allah loves the man who keeps solid enough whenever he receives bad news, for patience is counted real in the shocks. There is nothing wrong with a woman, a baby, a child, a young man and a young woman if they cry, and crying will not affect their prestige. However, if the husband (the head of the family) cries, the whole family will collapse. Hence, crying is an act of honor on the part of the wife and the son, but it is not for the husband at times of disasters. Men cry out of their submission to Allah, just like the Companions; they used to cry when they remember Allah. This is the time when honest believers cry, and it is the crying which Allah loves.

((Read the Quran and weep. If you do not weep, cause yourself to weep.))

[Ibn Majah]

 If someone cries out of remembering Allah, I congratulate him, because this means that his heart is alive (it is not hardened, so he cries when Allah is remembered). I am not discussing this kind of weeping; I meant it is a disaster that the man (who is the head of the house) cries upon receiving bad news. Real men should be solid in crises and holding together in calamities. If the leader of the army crumbles, the whole army will be defeated in the battle. He is supposed to remain solid no matter how bad the news is or how far the enemy advance in the battlefield. Also, the captain of a ship should be solid, as he may face lots of serious dangers which may cause the ship to drown. The same goes with the captain of a plane who sometimes faces dangerous air pockets or serious problems in some parts of the plane, so if he does not make it, all the passengers will wind up dead.

 Leading positions requires equanimity and calmness, and this is what Allah loves and expects from man at the first shock (in any calamity). Sa'd bin Abi Waqqas, may Allah be pleased with him, said, "There are three situations in which I consider myself a real man, but in other situations I behave like common people do: I never get myself preoccupied with something while am praying until I finish my prayer, I never hear a Hadith from the Prophet, peace be upon him, but I know for sure that it is the truth that is revealed to him from Allah the Almighty and I never attend a funeral and talk about anything other than things related to it till it is over." This is how the real manhood should be:

((Men whom neither trade nor sale diverts them from the Remembrance of Allah (with heart and tongue), nor from performing As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), nor from giving the Zakat. They fear a Day when hearts and eyes will be overturned (from the horror of the torment of the Day of Resurrection).))

[An-Nur, 37]

 A woman was asked: "Do you insist on your stance?" She answered: "Am I a man to change my mind?" She means that we live in an era when real manhood has been missed. That woman turned her nose up at being considered a man who usually changes his stance. This is really painful.

Walking proudly:

 Walking in haughty pride) is distasteful in the sight of Allah if it was for the wrong reasons. It was reported that the Companions said to a notable Companion who started strutting proudly among them, "What lordliness is this?" He said, "Allah forbid, it is not lordliness, but rather it is glory and obedience." Whoever is obedient to Allah the Almighty feels that he is honored, and that he is dearest to Allah the Exalted.

 In our social life, if an honest hardworking loyal employee is endeared and appreciated by the powerful person whom he works for, he will be proud of himself, and his pride is accepted in this case. Praise be to Allah who brings us out of the humiliation of disobeying Him to the glory of obedience. By Allah who is the only God, there is loftiness in the heart of the believer which can't be surpassed by the entire pride of mankind, Allah says:

((Verily, then to Allah belongs all honor, power and glory.))

[An-Nisa', 139]

 The believer is lofty.

 Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi' said to Abdur Rahman Ibn Awf, may Allah be pleased with him, "O brother, take one of my tow big orchards as a present", but Abur Rahman Ibn Awf said, "Allah blesses your wealth. Show me the way to the market, please." Some people feel humiliated when you offer them money (when they need it badly), and they won't take it unless it is a loan, so it is preferable to tell such people that the money you offer them is a loan in order to save their self respect.

 Ali, may Allah ennoble his face, said: "Don't be sickly jealous of your family, lest you do something wrong out of jealousy." Some people are sickly jealous to such an extent that they lock the door, what kind of actions is that? They do that forgetting that there is a window or a phone if the family needs something. Such husbands have no compromised situations concerning their jealousy; they either trust their wives fully or they do not trust them at all. You should choose a wife whose family is noble and honored. Don't be hasty in choosing a good wife, because having many doubts in the marital relation cause you breakdowns.
* * *

Some ahadith which start with the word "Innama" (indeed):

 Let us move to mentioning the As7adeth which start with the word "Innama" (Indeed)…

Interpretation of "Indeed, transactions may only be based on mutual consent":

((Indeed, transactions may only be done by mutual consent.))

[Abu Dawood, by Abi Sa'eed]

 This Hadith is crystal clear and I persist in mentioning it, because some sellers take advantage of the ignorance of some customers using the pretext that the customer is satisfied (with the price or the good). This satisfaction is not real. For instance, the seller notices that the customer is ignorant of the price of a certain commodity, so he raises the price saying that it costs- let us say- 30 liras although it costs 10 liras. When the customer asks for a discount, the seller says that he accepts to take 25 liras. Accordingly, the customer says to him, "I am satisfied with this discount, and you are one of the best sellers." Can we call this a mutual consent? No, the customer should be satisfied after knowing the real price, but if he is satisfied without having any idea about the real price, he is cheated on. This is a very serious matter which I would like you to pay attention to.

 Some sellers might hide the defect in the commodity and say, "Well the customer is satisfied."
 The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((He who sells a defect…))

 The Prophet, peace upon him, called it a defect not a commodity. Hence, the mutual consent means that satisfaction should be based on full knowledge of the price and the situation of the commodity (whether it is good or has any defect), or else it is cheating from the part of the seller, and so the customer's satisfaction is worthless and has nothing to do with this Hadith. For this reason the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Cheating al-mustarsel (the dupe) is prohibited))

[At-Tabarani, by Abi Umamah]

 Who is the Mustarsel? He is the ignorant customer (who doesn't know the real prices of commodities). Glory be to Allah, when sellers lack faith, they raise the price of their commodity beyond limits if they know that the customer is ignorant (of the real prices), and this is why Allah, out of profound wisdom, uses other people (government officials who watch prices) to punish such sellers. Those are the cure for the cheating sellers, but no one can do harm to the honest seller:

((Indeed, transactions may only be based on mutual consent))

[Abu Dawood, by Abi Sa'eed]

  It means the true consent.

Swearing an oath will lead to either breaking the oath or regretting it:

 The other Hadith which starts with indeed is the following:
 The Prophet, peace b upon him, said:

((Indeed, swearing an oath will lead to either breaking the oath or regretting it.))

[Ibn Majah, by Ibn Umar]

 Whatever oath you make, will end up in breaking or regretting it. For example, you swear not to visit your sister, but if you visit her, you will be breaking your oath, and if you don't you will regret making such an oath saying, "I wish I had not sworn." Hence, since the one who makes the oath will regret making it, why should he handcuff himself in oaths? In some cases the husband swears to divorce his wife if she visits her mother, so if she does so, she will be divorced, and if she obeys her husband and stops visiting her mother, the husband will regret it, because it is too much to ask a wife not to visit her mother. You yourself can't stop visiting your mother, so why should your wife stop visiting hers?

 Whoever makes an oath, will either break it or regret it, and both are serious problems.

And my friends said, "Either fight or death."
I said, "They are two choices, the sweetest of which is bitter."

 Listen to these concise words:

((Indeed, swearing an oath will lead to either breaking the oath or regretting it.))

[Ibn Majah, by Ibn Umar]

 Take the example of a man who argued with his neighboring grocer, and so he swore not to buy anything from him. However, if one day he has visitors, and he needs yogurt, he will be in a big trouble, because the only choice he has is to buy the yogurt from this grocer since the other ones are very far from his house. He would rather say "I will not buy anything from him", than making an oath. Therefore, do not tie yourself to oaths; you can act freely without them. I consider swearing a lot a sign of ignorance. You may meet a man who swears oaths a lot. As a result, he keeps looking for scholars to find a way out of his oaths, such as verifying that his wife is considered divorced because of his oath or not. By Allah, we need a council of experts to solve such cases.

 The interpretation of: "Indeed, obedience is only in good things":

((Indeed, obedience is only in good things.))

[Bukhari, by Ali]

 These As7adeth are brief ones. A wife might think that she is ordered to obey whatever her husband asks her to do, but what if he asks her to go out without Hijab or to come into the room where he sits with his friend in order to greet him? This is not how obedience should be. Wherever the word "obedience" is mentioned in Quran or Hadith, it means that this obedience is only in that which is Divinely permissible.

((There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah.))

 Obeying a creation rather than Allah is like obeying the order of a corporal rather than the general. Whoever does that has no idea about the military ranks or authorities. Obeying or disobeying a corporal is worthless, unlike the case of obeying people of higher ranks in the barrack. I just give you an example from our daily life. As for whoever pleases people at the expense of displeasing Allah, he considered an idiot, and his faith is weak.

Interpretation of: "Indeed, women are twin halves of men":

 The Almighty Lord makes men get married to women who assimilate them and who are the best for them, because as you know marriage is a remarkable event in man's life. Needless to say that there are exceptions to this rule, and they are explained, but in general: "Good women for good men and good men for good women" The other rule is: "The adulterer marries not but an adulteress or a Mushrikah (polytheistic)." It means he who slipped and committed adultery gets married to a woman who slipped as well or had known other men before him. On the other hand, the chaste pious man gets married to a chaste pious woman.

((Indeed, women are twin halves of men))

[Tirmizi, by Sayidah Aishah, may Allah be pleased with her]

 There is a prudent man and a prudent woman, a man with a social intelligence (and his wife is twin half of him) and a man who is fool and a woman who is fool too.

((Don't seek breastfeeding from a foolish woman, as surely the milk "inherits".))

[Bazzar, by Aishah]

 Scientific research has confirmed recently this fact: a part of the social manners is affected by the kind of food and meat people eat.

((Don't seek breastfeeding from a foolish woman, as surely the milk "inherits".))

[Bazzar, by Aishah]

((Choose woman for your semen, as a vein is like an arrow.))

 Again, the following are the As7adeth which start with "Innama" (indeed):

((Indeed, women are twin halves of men))

((Indeed, obedience is only in things.))

((Indeed, swearing an oath will lead to either breaking the oath or regretting it))

((Indeed, transactions may only be based on mutual consent.))

 These are fundamental facts, so:

((There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah.))

  Don't swear no matter what the reason is, unless you are asked to do so. In such a case you have no other choice. Moreover, bear in mind that the intention of the one who swears is taken into account rather than the intention of the one who asks him to swear. Hence, you will break your oath if you swear on an intention other than the one you are asked to swear at. To elaborate, if someone is asked to swear the following, "Did you take the money from him?", he can swear by saying, "I didn't take it" meaning that he didn't take the key not the money. Thus, doing so breaks the oath.

Instructive criticism is based on two facts:

 Let us move on to the Prophetic biography which we tackle every week, and today we will continue the story of our master Umair Ibn Sa'd. Last lecture, I told you about Umair who was a young boy, about 10 years old. I mentioned to you that because of him his step father Jallas repented from his sin, and I told you about the great stance he took. Let me first tell you about something that came to my mind today:

((While the Prophet, peace be upon him, was praying, a man rushed in making a lot of noise trying to catch up with the prayer, but he distracted the Musalleen (prayer men) while they were praying. After the Prophet, peace be upon him, finished his Salah, he said to this man: "May Allah increase your keenness, but don't do that again."))

 Scholars deduced from this Hadith that the instructive criticism is based on two facts, the first of which is to start with praising the person you are about to criticize. The father might address his son when he makes a mistake by praising his honesty, his politeness and his commitment to Salah, and then he can mention the thing which bsh3er him. In this case the son will be more open to any criticism after he is praised with the real things he has, and thus there will be a sort of balance.

 There is a book whose title is How to Win Friends and Influence People by the American author Dale Carnegie. It is one of the bestseller books; about 15 million copies have been sold. The author shows how to treat people in a way through which you gain their love. Another Egyptian author wrote a book in which he makes comments on Carnegie's book by telling the readers that every rule mentioned in that famous book is based on Noble Ayaht and As7adeth.

 In one of the chapters of the book, Carnegie says that if you want to criticize the person whose position at work is lower than your yours; in case you are his boss at work, a manager of a factory, a head of a company, a principal of a high school or an officer in the army, and you are about to punish him without mentioning his positive traits, he will bear grudge against you. Although he commits a mistake, he has other good things; he is a hardworking person who never comes late to work. Therefore, He will be deeply hurt when you forget about the positive things he uses to do, and he will say to himself, "How could he ignore the fact that I have never been tardy? Didn't he see my commitment to work? Didn't he see that I have never accepted a bribe? The boss should say to his employee, "I am happy with your honesty, punctuality and brightness, and thus I want you to be like that always regarding such and such matters".

 The praising should be based on real qualities and should be moderate. When you start with it, and then you criticize the one who makes a mistake, he will accept your criticism. When that man hurried up coming into the Masjid, making noise and shouting inside it (in order to catch up with Salah), he badly affected the prayers. He committed a mistake by doing so, but what was his motive? It was his keenness on Salah, so the Prophet, peace be upon him, said to him:

((May Allah increase your keenness on Salah, but don't do that again.))

 You can try this rule yourselves. I think that each one of us has someone whose position is lower than his. If you are a father you have your son, if you are a teacher you have your students and if you are a shopkeeper you have your workers. Therefore, start with praising the positive things, and then mention the negative ones, and try to do that in private; between you and him, not before people. Otherwise, you embarrass him, and people rarely admit their mistakes in public.

Mentioning sh3er’ favors before criticizing them:

 Our master Umair Ibn Sa'd once heard Julaas Ibn Suwaid Ibn As-Saamit, one of his close relatives, saying a word of Kufr, so Umair turned to Julaas Ibn Suwaid, "O Julaas, by Allah, you're one of the most beloved to myself and the last one I would like to see afflicted by something he dislikes." Umair started with mentioning his step father's favors upon him, lest he says, "How ungrateful Umair is! I raised him, fed him, bought him clothes and looked after him, and this is the way he talks to me." Therefore, Umair wanted to show his gratefulness to his step father for all his favors.

 The leader of the Ansar, Sa'd ibn 'Ubadah, realized the dilemma Ansar were in, so he went immediately to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and said, "O Messenger of Allah, this group of the Ansar are displeased with what you did with the spoils of war. You have distributed war booty among your people, and you were most generous to the Arab tribes, but you did not give the Ansar anything." Thus, the frank man got it off his chest and gave the Prophet, peace be upon him, a candid account of the situation. The Prophet, peace be upon him, asked him, "What is your opinion about it?" Sa'd answered with the same bluntness, "I have the same viewpoint as my people." Then the Prophet, peace be upon him, asked him to gather the Ansar. He looked at their disgruntled faces, and his smile brightened with gratitude and appreciation, "O Ansar, I heard that an incident that happened recently made you feel ill at ease. By Allah, you could have justly said, 'We believed in you at a time when all called you a liar. We supported you at a time when you were frustrated. We gave you our money at a time when you were poor and we even sheltered you at a time when you were homeless. Now, didn't I find you ignorant and guided you to the way of Allah? Didn't I find you poor and Allah enriched you of His bounty? And didn't I find you enemies and Allah joined your hearts together?" When did the Prophet, peace be upon him, mention his favors? He mentioned them after he acknowledged their favors, because the Prophet, peace be upon him, never forgets sh3er' favors.

 The son in law of the Prophet, peace be upon him, was with the Kuffar in fighting against him. His name was Abu Al-'As, and he was one of the brave soldiers (though there is no bravery in fighting against the Prophet, peace be upon him), so he was taken as a captive during the Battle of Badr, and when the Prophet, peace be upon him, saw him among the captives he said: "We never dispraised him as a son in law". As a son in law, he used to be one of the best, but now he is fighting the Messenger of Allah. This praising made Abu Al-'As melt in his shame, because the Prophet, peace be upon him, welcomed him in his house, he was generous to him, he took from him the least amount of accepted ransom in return for releasing captives and he let him go back to his wife. Hence, before you criticize sh3er, you should consider their favors.
 We should learn the lesson from these incidents as most people go beyond limits when they criticize someone, whether it is done by a father to his son, a brother to his brother, a man to his partner or a wife to her husband. The words which are used in criticizing sh3er are very harsh, and they hurt the one who is criticized. Therefore, we should mention the positive things before we criticize the negative ones.

 You start criticizing your wife, but isn't she chaste? Isn't she honorable? Isn't she a good housewife? Isn't she a good cook? Isn't she clean? Before you criticize your wife, you should thank her first for all the care she is giving you. Otherwise, she will explode like a volcano before you. Like husbands, most wives are ungrateful to their husbands if they wrong them, and so they go saying: "I have never seen anything good from your side."

 Umair would have been considered a slanderer if he had just gone to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and told him what he heard from Jallas. Instead, he said to his step father, "I am going to the Prophet, peace be upon him, to tell him what you said about him." By this he gave him a chance to repent. First, he mentioned his favors, and then he criticized him. Besides, he gave him a chance instead of stabbing him in the back. This is the behavior of a 10 year old young boy.

How did Umar select his Wolat (regional rulers)?:

 Our master Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, used to select his regional governors as if he was choosing his own destiny. The Khalifah is supposed to select his regional governors carefully, because they are the reason of his success, and they are the very reason of his failure if he poorly chooses them. Having the proper retinues are seriously important for the ruler, because if they are good, people will live in prosperity, but if they are bad, people will be in adversity.

 Our master Umar had a powerful insight, he was adept and he used to take his time in choosing his rulers and governors. Listen to the following statement which our master Umar said, "I want a man who when he is among men, he should look like a chief although he is not, and when he is appointed a chief, he should look as if he is one of the other men." These were the qualifications he was looking for. By Allah, they are the best ones a ruler should have. Umar wanted a humble leader who is one of the public, but he seems to be a ruler, because he cares about other people, and he serves them. He said, "I want a man who when he is among men, he should look like a chief although he is not, and when he is appointed a chief, he should look as if he is one of the other men. The governor I am looking for should never distinguish himself from the rest of people in his clothes, food or house. He should maintain offering Salah with people, he should give them their rights, he should judge them fairly and he should never close his door before fulfilling their needs".

 All rulers should have these qualifications, and the proof is that our master Umar used to be like this. During the period of famine, he forbid himself from eating meat for many months till his stomach gurgled (out of hunger), so he talked to it saying, "Whether you keep gurgling or not, I swear to Allah I won't taste meat till all Muslim's children become full from eating it". Once he got a present from Azerbaijan which happened to be a very expensive kind of sweet, so when he took a bite he said, "Can all the people afford to have this in their homes?" to which the messenger answered, "No, they cannot. This is for the special people (the rich or the rulers)", so Umar took the bite out of his mouth.

Umar forced Umair Ibn Sa'd to be his regional ruler in Homs:

 According to these strict qualifications, he chose Umair Ibn Sa'd to be a governor over Homs. Umair tried to free himself of that task and to save himself, but the Commander of the Faithful (Umar) obligated him and imposed it upon him forcefully. Umair asked Allah for proper guidance. Then he went to carry out his duty and task. In Homs, a whole year passed and no land tax reached Al-Madinah, nor did a single message reach the Commander of the Faithful (Umar). The Commander of the Faithful called his scribe, to whom he said, "Write to Umair ordering him to come here."

 One day the roads of Al-Madinah witnessed a dusty, shaggy man, covered by the hardship of travel and hardly pulling his feet out from the hot sandy ground due to his long suffering and the tremendous effort he spent. On his left shoulder there was a sack and a wooden bowl. On his right shoulder there was a small waterskin filled with water. He supported his thin, weak, tired body with a stick.

 He turned to Umar's assembly with very slow, heavy steps. "O Commander of the Faithful, peace be upon you." Umar replied. Deeply afflicted by the scene of his weakness and overexertion, he asked him, "What's wrong with you, Umair?" "Can't you see I'm healthy, possessing a pure conscience and possessing the whole world?" Umar asked, "What do you have with you?" Umair replied, "I've a sack in which I carry my food, a bowl in which I eat, my utensils for my ablution and drink, and a stick to lean on and fight an enemy if he crosses my way. By Allah, the whole world is an obedient slave of my belongings." "Did you come walking on foot?" "Yes." "Didn't you find anyone who would give you an animal to ride on?" "They didn't offer and I didn't ask them." "What did you do with what we charged you with?" "I went to the country to which you sent me. There I gathered all its virtuous inhabitants and made them in charge of levying the taxes, [pay attention to its virtuous inhabitants; he charged them with levying the taxes, because such a mission is very critical as serious mistakes may occur. He chose people who are qualified enough to do this job, lest many families may collapse if a serious mistake is made.] so when they did that I put the money there where it belongs. If anything had remained I would have sent it to you." "Didn't you bring us anything?" "No." Hereby Umar shouted, amazed and happy, "Reappoint Umair." But Umair replied with complete composure, "Those were old days. I won't work for you or for anyone else!"

 Umar was always wishing ''How much do I wish to have men like Umair to assist me in ruling the Muslims!'' Umair's honesty was matchless; he didn't own more than a sack, a wooden bowl and a waterskin, and he came from Homs on foot. When he was the governor over Homs, he drew a dear picture of the tasks of a Muslim ruler. How often did his words from the pulpit shake the multitude of Muslims, "Islam is a well-fortified wall and a firm gate. As for the wall, that's justice; and the gate is truth. If the wall is torn down and the gate destroyed, then Islam loses its protective strength. Islam remains well-fortified [Nowadays, Islamic countries are invaded, their lands are occupied, their sacredness is violated and their enemies control Muslims the way they want, but when did all of that happen? It happened when the wall of Islam is torn down (there is no justice), and when its gate is destroyed (there is no truth)] as long as its reign is mighty. The might of its reign cannot be achieved by killing with swords or by slashing with whips; rather by the fulfillment of truth and justice!" That was his method when he was a governor over Homs.

 Last week, you noticed his stance against his step father Jallas although he was a young boy. When he was a grown up, he was appointed by Umar Ibn Al-Khattab a governor over Homs, and you have seen his asceticism, piousness, devoutness and Allah-fearing. Each one of us will be undoubtedly the happiest person if he refrains himself from Haram, renounces worldly pleasures, loves Allah and acts upon His Order. Furthermore, as the time passes he will be happier, and everything will be in his favor. Also, the longer he lives the happier and loftier he is. Accordingly, when he is on his deathbed, death will be the happiest occasion and the greatest rejoice to him, because, the Almighty Allah has prepared for his believers which no eye (has ever) seen, no ear has (ever) heard and no human heart has ever perceived.

Every man can turn to the right guidance:

 Let me ask you this question: Were the Companions molded of different mud than ours? No, By Allah they were not. By Allah, who is the only God, when Allah created mankind He didn't favor someone over the other; even Fir'aun had the potential to be a notable believer:

(("Go, both of you, to Fir'aun (Pharaoh), verily, he has transgressed (all bounds in disbelief and disobedience and behaved as an arrogant and as a tyrant)* "And speak to him mildly, perhaps he may accept admonition or fear Allah."))

[Ta-Ha, 43-44]

 Fir'aun could be a believer, and every heedless person who is far from the right path also has the potential to be one of the most devoted believers. Consider the example of the Companions who were at the top (because of their faith). They were happy, they brought happiness to sh3er, they were devoted to Allah, so Allah granted them the worldly life (to work in seeking the Hereafter) and they are the kings of the Hereafter. Indeed the Companions are the kings of the Hereafter.

 Some people are humble and have low profile in worldly life, but they will have the best ranks in another place (the Hereafter). Similarly, someone may not be prominent in the worldly life, but he could be one of the kings at whom all people will point with respect in the Hereafter.

((When the Event (i.e. the Day of Resurrection) befalls. And there can be no denying of its befalling. It will bring low (some); (and sh3er) it will exalt;))

[Al-Waqi'ah, 1-3]

 One should be jealous (because he does not look like the Companions), and such stories must arouse jealousy in us, right? Allah is the same to them (the Companions) and to us, the gates of heroism, devotedness and good deeds are open and giving a hand of help to sh3er is available. Moreover, remembering Allah, reciting Quran and reflecting on Allah's creation can be performed by all people. Hence, since all these opportunities are available to us as they were available to the Companions, and since Allah is the same to them and to us, cannot we be devoted? Yes, we can!

((Two Rak'at (of Prayer performed) by a pious person are far better than a thousand Rak'at by someone who mingles (good deeds with evil ones).))

 Can't you be kind to sh3er? Yes you can. Can't you be a loving man to Allah? Yes you can. It is all in our hands, but why they are different from us? A thousand men of us stand for a thousand men, whereas the one of them stand for a thousand men of us. This explains why the Prophetic era was called the era of heroes. Think of Umair; he stood by the truth when he was a young boy, and he remained the same when he was appointed a governor over Homs. This is the status of all the Companions, and ours can be the same if we want.

One should call himself to account in order to exalt in the sight of Allah:

 The purpose of telling you these stories is not for entertainment. Well they are interesting stories, but By Allah I meant to give you a practical example and a motive to urge us follow the steps of those notable Companions. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Do not insult my Companions, for, by Allah, if any of you gave gold the extent of Mount Uhud in charity, you would not reach even a handful or even half a handful [of what they did].)).

 They were devoted, loving, upright, pure, trustworthy, honest and willing to sacrifice. Everyone can be like them since the gate towards that is wide open. Thus, each one of us should call himself to account and ask, "Where is my position among the heroes of these stories? Where could I find myself in these honorable situations? Do I have the same stances? Did I take stances in my life of which I can be proud in front of the Almighty Allah? Allah will be pleased with you (if you have any similar stances in your life).

 Doctors get proud of being Board Certified, and they make this clear on the signboards of their clinics which are well written and are shinning with lights, yet by Allah the word "Allah is pleased with him" is more exalted than the Board Certificate. If a man gives you the Board, because he is satisfied with your accomplishments, although you might be a sinner, what do you think you will get if Allah is satisfied with you because of your deeds? When does the doctor get his Board Certificate? He gets it when those who grant it to him are satisfied (with his accomplishments). When does someone get a Ph.D. in general? When his scientific level is satisfying, so how will your situation be if Allah is pleased with you? Hence, the clause "Allah is pleased with him" is the highest honorable, moral and humane title one can get and one should seek:

((Indeed, Allah was pleased with the believers when they gave their Bai'a (pledge) to you (O Muhammad PBUH) under the tree, He knew what was in their hearts, and He sent down As-Sakinah (calmness and tranquillity) upon them, and He rewarded them with a near victory))

[Al-Fath, 18]

 For that reason the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

((Nothing shall harm 'Uthman after what he did today.))

 I hope that Allah helps us take the right, honorable, moral, scarifying, devoted, chaste and collaborating stance in our life. Someone told me once, "I was seduced by a beautiful and rich woman, but I said to her I fear Allah, Lord of the Worlds". This event took place 30 years ago and this person keeps telling it because he is proud of his honorable stance which proves that he fears Allah Alone. The more you proceed in this path, the more you rejoice. There will come a time when someone feels that happiness fills his heart, because his honorable stances are highly appreciated by Allah the Almighty, whereas money, fame or worldly pleasures will never get anyone to that level.

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