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Forward:
Dr. Nabulsi:
Dear brother, inviting me to give a lecture in this symposium means that you have good thoughts of me, so I ask Allah to make me as what you expect me to be.
Man's problems are the effect of turning away from Allah's Method:
First of all, you know that all the 6.000 million people on earth care about their safety and happiness, but what causes misery? Ignorance causes misery, because it is man's most bitter enemy. In fact the ignorant man does harm to himself in a way that even his enemy does not harm him with. Man is considered knowledgeable as long as he seeks knowledge, but the minute he thinks that he is knowledgeable enough, he is regarded ignorant.
Man's needs are divided into worldly needs and exalted ones, and man should satisfy the exalted onesin searching for the truth, seeks the answer to the secret behind his existence and the reason of his existence, Do you know why I start with the general matters? I'll give the answer through the following example: If a patient goes to the doctor because he has fever, the doctor is not considered an excellent one if he prescribes aesculin for him (he is supposed to look for the main cause of the fever.). In our life we have hundreds of problems and crises which are caused mainly- from the religious perspective- by turning away from Allah:
("But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur'an nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Resurrection.")
The Factors of success are four:
Dear brother, there is one single Ayah which can be applied to each spouse, two friends, two colleagues, two families, two clans, two tribes, two peoples, two nations and two cultures. It is a Divine Law:
(But they have abandoned a good part of the Message that was sent to them. So We planted amongst them enmity and hatred till the Day of Resurrection (when they discarded Allah's Book, disobeyed Allah's Messengers and His Orders and transgressed beyond bounds in Allah's disobedience),)
Hence, affection is based on obeying Allah. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
((By Him in whose hand Muhammad's soul is, nothing separates two brother who love one another for the sake of Allah the Almighty but a sin committed by one of them.))
The factors of success are four; one of them is to be successful in your relation with your family and children. This point reminds me of the Prophetic Hadith:
((If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (i.e. Ramadan), guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise.))
As for the remaining factors of success and salvation in life, they are: Having a successful relation with Allah by knowing Him, knowing His Method, obeying Him, getting closer to Him and worshipping Him extensively, having a successful relation with your wife and children, protecting your health from illnesses and being successful in your career. When we make those four factors the main goals we seek, we will be prosperous. Thus, if we succeed in earning money but fail in our relations at home, this is not considered success. Also, if we succeed in our relations at home but we fail in our relation with our Lord, this is not success either. Actually, having a successful relation with the wife and the children is quarter of the total success.
Some of the Divine Signs of Allah's Greatness:
1- The creation of heavens and earth:
Dear brother our Great Creator gives us some instructions in the Noble Quran saying:
(And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth)
These signs are manifested in the thousands of billions of galaxies, in the planets, in the stars, in the sun, in the moon, in the mountains, in the seas, in the kinds of fishes , in the kinds of birds and so on:
(And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth)
2- The creation of the night and the day, the sun and the moon:
(And from among His Signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon.)
3- The creation of your wives from among yourselves:
Pay attention to this Ayah, please:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
First: He created for you wives from among yourselves.Men and women are equal:
The woman is equal to the man in the Divine assignment, honor and responsibility. She is assigned to perform the pillars of faith, the pillars of Islam and the acts of worship, she is honored by Allah exactly as man is and she is responsible for all her deeds. When the husband realizes that his wife is honored and dignified just like him, that she is responsible for all her deeds as he is and that she is supposed to be treated according to this equality, the marital relationship between the spouses will be successful.
(And let each of you accept the advice of the other in a just way.)
It means that she can advise you, and you can advise her. Also, she can guide you to Allah, and you can guide her to Him. I know hundreds of men who were guided to Allah because of their wives. When your views on women are based on the way she is appreciated in the Noble Quran, you succeed in your marital life. When the Prophet, peace be upon him, opened Makkah, the well-known families asked him to dwell in their houses, but he said, "pitch a tent for me by Khadijah's grave." He wanted the whole world to know that the woman who was in the grave had been his partner in victory. Thus, men are supposed to act upon the belief that the woman is exactly equal to the man in the Divine assignment, honor and responsibility, and if they view her in a different way, their views are of the ones of Jahiliyyah (Ignorance). In fact those views are adopted because men have turned away from Allah, or because of the old-fashioned traditions which men cannot release themselves from.
The mission of man and woman complements one another:
Almighty Allah says:
("And the male is not like the female,)
The differences between man and woman have to do with the intellectual, physical, psychological and social characteristics. Yet, these characteristics are perfect for the mission each one of them are assigned to accomplish. A woman (Khawlah bint Tha'labah) came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, complaining about her husband, and she said, "When my husband married me, I was a young woman who descended from a well-known and wealthy kin. He ate my youth, and I opened my womb for him, until when my age advanced, my child is cut off from me and my wealth was lost, he has declared that my back is like his mother's." Listen carefully to the rest of her complaint, "I have children from him whom if I leave to him, they will be lost," which means that her mission is to raise them." and if I keep them to live with me, they will starve", while her husband's mission is to spend on them. Notice how man's mission and woman's complement one another, so we should keep in mind that the woman is equal to the man in being Divinely assigned and honored, but her nature is different from the one of man as it is mentioned in Allah's Saying:("And the male is not like the female,)
Spouses are not alike; they complement one another:
Dear brother and sisters, we studied at the university the differences between the male and the female as they are mentioned in a book by the Swiss psychologist and philosopher Jean Piaget. This book is considered in the west a Bible concerning the subject I am discussing. It consists of 800 pages, and if I were to choose a title for it I would not find any better title than Allah's Saying:
("And the male is not like the female,)
Having different characteristics does not mean that the woman is inferior to man, but rather it means that her mission is different from his. When you believe that she is equal to man, that she is honored (like him) and that her characteristics are different from his, the spouses will complement one another. Actually the spouses are not alike, but rather they complement one another, and the concept complementation is more exalted than likeness. Accordingly, husbands should believe that their wives are their partners in life. Almighty Allah says:
(And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.).)
This degree looks like the rank between the Major General and the General. It is about leadership, because making decisions should be done by one person, and this person has assistants and consultants. For instance, the Prophet, peace be upon him, consulted Umm Salamah on Hudaibiyah, and he did what she told him to do and succeeded. This is the Method (Quran) we should act upon dear brother. The whole issue starts with having healthy views on women, and so enjoying the marital bliss, whereas the unhealthy views cause the marital misery.
Allah installed desires in man to be exalted in His Sight:
By the way, Allah the Exalted made from the two sexes the male and the female, but the crucial point is that when Allah installed the sexual desire in man, He intended to make it fulfilled lawfully. Furthermore, whatever lust Allah installed in man has a clean path to be fulfilled through. There is no deprivation in Islam; whatever lusts Allah installed in man is accompanied with a legal path through which it can be fulfilled. For instance, the attraction of man to woman and vice versa has a healthy path to be fulfilled through, which proves that there is no deprivation in Islam. Had Allah not installed in us desires, we would not have been exalted in the Sight of the Lord of heavens and earth. Man has a mind to comprehend things around him and a heart to love with, and the clean love which man exalts through is the love for Allah, for people of the truth and for whoever the love for is derived from this sublime love. For example, the love of the husband for his wife is derived from this kind of love.
((Once Mrs. Aeyshah asked the Prophet, peace be upon him, "How is your love for me?" The Prophet, peace be upon him, answered, "It looks like a firm knot of a rope." From that time on the knot became the symbol of their love, and from time to time she, may Allah be pleased with her, used to ask him, "How is the knot?" to which he used to answer, "It is as firm as the first time you asked."))
He, peace be upon him, used to assure his wife that his love never changed. Their marital life was so sublime. Mrs. Aeyshah once told the Prophet, peace be upon him, about Abi Zar' and Umm Zar'. She told him how brave and generous he used to be, and that he was the example of a good husband, but she felt sorry for Umm Zar' telling the Prophet, peace be upon him, that he divorced her at the end. The Prophet, peace be upon him, was very affectionate to her, so he said:
((My love for you is like the love of Abi Zar' for Umm Zar', but I will never divorce you.))
The marital misery is the most serious disaster ever:
When you act upon Allah's Method in treating your wife, you will be happy with her. Pay attention, dear brother to the following Hadith:
((Praise be to Allah for granting me the love for Aeyshah))
To love your wife is one of Allah's greatest blessings, because it is lawful to have love for her. Believe me, I am not exaggerating if I tell you that the essential mission of Shaitan is to cause conflicts between spouses. The more you come closer to Allah, the more happy you are with your wife, and the more you get further from Allah, the more miserable you are with her as well as she is with you. In fact the marital misery is the most serious disaster ever. Your wife should live with you day and night, in summer and in winter, when you stay in your homeland and when you travel to other countries, so if you do not love her, then this is of Shaitan' doing. One of the scholars said, "I know my position in Allah's Sight through my wife's morals." Similarly, the wife should know her position in Allah's Sight through her husband's morals. Thus, when one of the spouses disobeys Allah, conflicts arise between them. The following Hadith is the most concise and full of meaning one regarding the relationship between spouses. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
((By Him in whose hand Muhammad's soul is, nothing separates two brother who love one another for the sake of Allah the Almighty but a sin committed by one of them.))
4- The equality between the man and woman:
Dear brother, one of the Signs of Allah's Greatness is:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves)
The equality between men and women is manifested in honor, the Divine assignment, the responsibility and the characteristics they are granted. Allah's Saying proves this point right:
("And the male is not like the female,)
Marriage is finding repose for both man and woman:
Almighty Allah says:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them,)
What is the purpose of finding repose in them? The purpose is that man complements his need for affection through his wife, so he finds repose in her, and the wife complements her need for a leader through her husband, so she finds repose in him. The greatness of the above mentioned Ayah is obvious when Almighty Allah goes on saying:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
Hence, mercy and affection created by Allah the Exalted, and each household that lacks affection and mercy between spouses indicates an unhealthy marital relationship.
The most sacred covenant is the one of marriage:
What is the connection between mercy and affection? Marriage means a continuous relationship, and it is expected to be full of affection and mercy. When the husband is the person his wife wants him to be, she will love him deeply expressing her love through affection, and when the wife is the woman her husband expects her to be, he will love her, expressing this love through affection as well. Verily affection is the behavior that is expressed through love. As for mercy, it takes the place of affection if the household lacks it.
Marriage is the most sacred covenant on earth:
(And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?)
I repeat again: The most sacred covenant between two persons is the one of marriage. Thus:
(and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
The household may lack affection due to a forceful reason, an unexpected illness, extreme poverty, etc. As you know there are problems, surprises, invasion and civil war, and the husband may have hard times because of an illness, deformity, poverty and so on. The greatness of the Islamic marriage lies in the fact that spouses fear Allah; they avoid treating one another unjustly, and they serve one another to get closer to Allah. Hence, if the marital relationship is not based on affection between spouses, it will be based on mercy.
Acting upon Allah's Method reduces the percentage of divorce:
I asked one of our dignified brother, the first judicial judge in Damascus, " What is the percentage of divorce in Syria?" As I know in America it is 67% and in Europe it is 38%, while in Syria it was 15 out of 1000. The reason is acting upon Allah's Method, having affection and mercy between spouses and avoiding unjust treatment out of fear of Allah. I was surprised when he told me about this percentage, but after a period of time he told me that the percentage became 15%. By Allah dear brother, my heart is about to break because the recent percentage of divorce in Syria is 50%. This number is recorded in the Palace of Justice in Damascus, and it is due to the deviation of the husband and the wife which in its turn causes conflicts between spouses. I would like you to keep remembering the Noble Hadith:
((By Him in whose Hand Muhammad's soul is, nothing separates two brother who love one another for the sake of Allah the Almighty but a sin committed by one of them.))
The Muslim's household looks like Paradise:
Dear brother, once I was in Malaysia, and I had a great experience there. People who are responsible for the marital affairs were told that the percentage of divorce had risen, so they established a school where the spouses would be trained for 6 months, and the contract of their marriage would not be accepted unless the spouses succeeded in their training at that school. The courses which are taught at that school have to do with the rights of the wife and the ones of the husband, the bases of marital relationship, the bases of marital treatment, the things that hurt the wife and the ones which hurt the husband. Let me be honest with you, the Muslim's household should look like Paradise since Allah's Method is acted upon and the instructions of the Creator and the Aware are followed. The Prophet, peace be upon him used to wrap his garment around his waist when he entered his household in order not to bother his sleeping wife with the sound of the garment if it touched the ground:
((The Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessing upon him, used to be cheerful, and he used to have a smiley face whenever he entered his house.))
((Treat women in an honourable manner. By Allah, none but a noble man treats women in an honourable manner, and none but an ignorant man treats women disgracefully. They defeat the noble man, but they are defeated by the ignorant one, and I would rather be a defeated noble man than a defeating ignorant one.))
In another Hadith, the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
((Please go and tell the ladies whom you represent that by doing your duty to your husbands in a pleasant manner, keeping in mind what will make them happy, and following them faithfully, you will please greatly Allah and He will give you the same rewards as have been promised by men.))
The wife's care for her husband and children is one type of Jihad:
All of you know that the best deed ever in Islam is Jihad, and the wife's care for her husband and children is one type of Jihad:
((Please go and tell the ladies whom you represent that by doing your duty to your husbands in a pleasant manner, keeping in mind what will make them happy, and following them faithfully, you will please greatly Allah and He will give you the same rewards as have been promised by men.))
Do you believe that there are paths which lead you to Paradise through your household? A noble female Companion's son died (she is Umm Sulaim), but she did not want to upset her husband (Abu Talha) when he came home after a hard day's work in Jihad. On his return home, he asked her how the child was and she said, "He is better than before." Then she served him dinner and chatted with him. He spent the night with her enjoying himself in her company in peace and tranquility. In the morning, she told him about their son's death. He went to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and told him what Umm Sulaim did about the death of their son, and he, peace be upon him, said, "May Allah grant you blessing and prosperity for your wife ."
Encouraging the husband to earn illegal money causes his punishment:
In some cases the wife puts unbearable pressure on her husband. This explains why Almighty Allah says:
(O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you (i.e. may stop you from the obedience of Allah),)
The wife who makes her husband accept illegal money in order to achieve her ambitions in furnishing her house and having parties leads him to his torment. Therefore:
((Women who are greatly blessed are those whose demands are few.))
The believing wife is the one who makes her example the dignified female Companion who used to tell her husband whenever he went to his job, "Fear Allah for us. We can remain patient on hunger but we cannot on Haram (unlawful acts and behavior)." The wife nowadays puts pressure on her husband to fulfill her needs to such an extent that he accepts to earn illegal money in order to please her. This is really a serious problem.
The wife's help to her husband makes her great in Allah's Sight:
The wife who accepts to live a simple life (financially speaking) is great and sacred in Allah's Sight. Satisfying life's needs is very difficult and gaining money is not easy, so the wife who helps her husband (accepts his little yet lawful income) is respectful in Allah's Sight. I repeat the Ayah, which I mentioned earlier:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
Affection and mercy are created by Allah the Exalted.
Man's good conduct at home is the utmost goodness:
How about the husband, what did the Prophet, peace be upon him, say about him?
((By Allah, none but a noble man treats women in an honourable manner, and none but an ignorant man treats women disgracefully. They defeat the noble man, but they are defeated by the ignorant one…))
The Prophet, peace be upon him, went on saying:
((…and I would rather be a defeated noble man than a defeating ignorant one.))
Let me elaborate by giving you this example: If someone wants to get a driving license, how is his driving going to be tested? It is going to be tested on a narrow road that has the shape of letter S. On this road there are plastic signs and the driver should not touch them while driving back. This is the most difficult thing the driver faces while driving his car, so when he succeeds in this stage of the test he will get the license. As for the husband, when he is outside his home, his manners, elegance, kindness, gentleness and apologies are based on making business, as I may call it using the contemporary expression, and achieving his interests. His false good manners are obvious just to attract the attention of the consumers if he is a trader. Such a husband seeks achieving his own interests by his manners no matter what his career is. Where should the true good conduct of man appear? It should appear at home. This is what the Prophet, peace be upon him, referred to in the following Hadith. The Hadith indicates that man's good conduct at home is utmost goodness. He, peace be upon him, said:
((The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.))
Sometimes I am told about a husband who is very kind, respectful and gentle outside his house, while his family complains about his cruelty, his hard-heartedness, his loud voice and his violence against his wife and children. The good conduct outside one's home has no value, because it is for achieving one's interests. The husband's heroism lies in having good conduct at home. This is an essential fact.
A good word is charity:
In some cases the wife takes care of everyone around her, but her husband. The main reason of the marital conflicts which arise when the spouses reach a certain age is the wife's care for her children and sons-in-law, staying outside for a long time and her feeling of getting bored of her husband. Let me tell you something and I do mean what I am going to say. There is a satanic saying that is widely spread among people: People claim that after a period of time spouses get fed up with one another. This is not true, and I swear by Allah the believer's relation with his wife keeps improving with the passing of time as love is made with your own hands:
((A good word is charity.))
Putting the bite of food inside your wife's mouth is Sadaqah, and apologizing to her is Sadaqah too. The husband is expected to apologize to his wife and the wife is expected to apologize to him. They can give presents to each other, be affectionate towards one another and be merciful to one another. If she is sick, you can bring her food from a restaurant, and if her parents visit you, you have to be hospitable to them. When the husband thinks about treating his wife kindly, you wife should think about treating him kindly as well. I was told many stories about the engagement period and how the young man used to talk to his fiancé for 13 hours, but two years after they got married, he hardly talked to her. Why did he change? The husband should sit with his wife for at least half an hour and listen to her instead of leaving her alone at home for 12 hours waiting for someone to talk to or listen to him when he talks. Moreover, in some cases when the husband gets home, he spends his time reading the newspaper, watching the news and sleeping. This is a bad husband, so if you do not devote some of your time to your wife, you will not be happy with her, and you will make her neglect you and spend her time with her sisters and brother and those who respect and honor her.
Children make parents merciful to each other:
Marriage is a sort of art, and I want to refer to some people who have succeeded in their business but failed in their marriage, succeeded in protecting their health but failed in their marriage and succeeded in going to the Masjid regularly and serving it but have been bad men at home. I assure you if success is not complete, it is not considered success. Thus, man should keep in mind that he can live only one life with his wife. As for the children, the most precise interpretation I read about them is:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
The son and the daughter make parents merciful. You may enter the house of a family that is poorly furnished, it is 60 square meters, the food offered in it is very humble and the children wear old clothes. Yet, you can notice the love between the spouses which makes the household look like Paradise. On the other hand, you can see a house in Damascus which cost 120 million lira, it is 400 square meters, it overlooks the most beautiful scenery and it has all modern appliances, but it looks like Hell.
A marriage based on obeying Allah will lead to marital bliss:
Man is pleased with love, and he is miserable with hatred. Regarding spouses, when they obey Allah, they will be pleased in their relation. One of the largest hotels in Damascus makes a lot of profits through the wedding parties in it. Once, its administration wanted to encourage people to have their wedding ceremony in it, so they invited all the spouses who had their wedding ceremony in it during the last 6 months before the invitation in order to honor them in a party. They were about 16 wedding ceremonies, but the administration were shocked when they found out that among those 16 marriage contracts 13 contracts ended up in divorce during 6 months
Listen carefully to what I am going to say: If marriage is based on obeying Allah, Allah the Exalted will grant the spouses marital bliss even if this household lacks most of the basic factors of making it prosperous. Unlike this marriage, the one which is based on disobeying Allah, Shaitan will separate between the spouses even if their household has all factors of making their marriage a prosperous one. These are rules.
Some of the interpretations of the following Ayah:
1- The husband should not turn his wife out of her home:
By Allah, dear brother whenever I attend a marriage contract, the one who wrote the contract says, "The marriage contract is done according to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger, peace be upon him." Sometimes I ask the husband, "Do you have any accurate information about the instructions that are mentioned in Allah's Book for the spouses." One of these instructions is:
(and turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave)
This Ayah is very crucial; Allah the Exalted says, "out of their homes", which means that the home is yours in the official records, and it may be very expensive. However, in the Quran it is hers, what is the point of this? These are the words of the Creator of Universes; you can prove yourself at work and in your public relations, but your home is the kingdom of the wife, so let her do whatever she wishes. Some husbands interfere in the minute details and prevent their wives from proving themselves at home. Allah the exalted says:
(And turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave)
Officially speaking this home is yours, but in Allah's Sight it is hers; at in it she proves herself.
Problems become serious if the wife goes to her parents' house:
Listen to this fact dear brother and sisters: The most trivial problem between spouses will be serious if the wife leaves her household and goes to her parent's house. This problem may even end up in divorce. Do you know why? That is because in her parent's house she will be affected negatively by the talks of her relatives. For example, her aunts and sisters may tell her things such as, "You do not need him anymore, you can do without him. You can find a better husband than him." She keeps receiving negative instructions, so she starts to tease him, while he starts saying, " “she didn’t call me, she didn’t ask about me," and he gets angry. The smallest problem between spouses may end up in divorce if the wife gets out of her house, whereas the most serious problem between the spouses may be solved after a few days if the wife stays at home. Both spouses need one another, and the husband may get angry the first day they argue with each other, but the next day he starts to feel that he exaggerated in his quarrel with her.
A man once complained to me against his wife, so I asked him, "Does she betray you?" He said, "I seek refuge with Allah, what are you talking about. She is a chaste woman." Then I said, "Does she neglect to clean the house?" He said, "I seek refuge with Allah; of course not. She is very clean." I asked him, "How about the food she cooks?" He said, "She cooks well." After all these questions, he felt ashamed of himself, because she cooks well, she is clean and she never betrays him. Sometimes the husband cannot see the good qualities of his wife. You have to be just (and see the good traits of your wife).
Be merciful to women:
A man came to our master Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, to complain against his wife, but when he knocked at his door and heard Umar's wife shouting at him, he changed his mind and wanted to leave. Umar opened the door and saw him leaving, but he called him to see what he wanted. The man said, "I came to complain against my wife, but turned back on seeing you in the same position." However, Umar told him about the good qualities of the wives, such as raising the children. One of the qualities of the believer is that he remains patient. Let your extreme harshness be against your enemy, not towards your wife. Some husbands like to be heroes (harsh and violent) at home; in their treatment to their wives:
((The Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessing upon him, used to be cheerful, and he used to have a smiley face whenever he entered his house.))
Whenever the Prophet, peace be upon him, entered into his house, he would act like everyone else in it; he used to sweep the ground of his house, mend his clothes, milk his goat and help with the household work. The main thing in household is to know the right of the wife. There is another point I would like to refer to: It is reciprocity (treating her the way you like her to treat you). For instance, you cannot bear it when she talks badly about your mother, and this is really an unbearable thing as your mother is sacred to you. Yet, why do you make fun of hers? If you do that you are unjust in treating your wife. You just look like the Americans who practice the double standard policy while dealing with some countries. As a husband you never allow her to talk badly about your parents, and if she does so, you become outrageous, while you are always mocking her parents. You are supposed to respect her parents as long as you expect her to be respectful to yours. Also, you should be hospitable to her parents since you want her to be hospitable to yours. If the household lacks reciprocity, it is affected by Jahiliyyah, and if there is unjust treatment to the wife, the household relationship will not be a successful one.
Axiomatic facts in the Noble Quran:
I would like to tell you about some axiomatic facts mentioned in the Noble Quran:
(And live with them honourably)
Almighty Allah says:(And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.)
In fact not all marriages are based on love between spouses. I would like to address the young men: Most of them like to criticize their wives after they get married, such as saying, "If only you were taller" and so on. The most precious thing the poor wife owns are her looks, so when you make harsh comments about her looks, you break her heart. Believe it or not, her beauty fades away and she looks pale due to your harshness with her, and she will be confused and always afraid of you.
The second thing I would like to say to young men is that I am deeply hurt when I am told about that a husband sometimes likes to joke with his wife saying that he will divorce her or will marry another wife. There is a well-known story which the people who live in Damascus know. It is about a man who is married to a very beautiful woman. She is known for her perfection, patience, noble linage and education. He wanted to marry another woman, but all the pretexts he used to those around him were rejected. Thus, he decided to pretend to be depressed. He remained in that state for 10 days saying no word, which made his wife worried about him, so she asked him, "What is the matter?" he refused to tell her, but she insisting on him telling her, and so he did. He said, "The Sultan has many spinsters, and whoever refuses to marry another woman next to his wife will be hanged." She said, "If you are hanged, you will be considered a martyr."
Never ever kid your wife saying that you will marry another woman, or you will divorce her. This kind of joke is a foolish act, as I personally consider it. You should assure her (that you still love her and will never divorce her). What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, said to Aeyshah in order to assure her:
((My love for you is like the love of Abi Zar' for Umm Zar', but I will never divorce you.))
Affection between spouses results from obeying Allah:
You should assure your wife that you will not divorce her, because the marriage contract is a sacred contract, and divorce occurs in rare cases. You should always say that you will not divorce her, or you will not marry another woman. Do not destroy your household or your happiness with your own hands. Whatever happens to you is an effect to a cause and a reaction to an action; this is an axiomatic fact. Bad effects will result when we get away from Allah, and set our eyes on women other than our wives. Allah the Exalted says:
(Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things).)
When you lower your gaze from looking at forbidden things, Allah will reward you by making your wife the most beautiful woman in your eyes, and she will see everything good from you as an inevitable result of lowering your gaze. Affection between spouses is the effect of obeying Allah, and I will keep repeating:
((By Him in whose Hand Muhammad's soul is, nothing separates two brother who love one another for the sake of Allah the Almighty but a sin committed by one of them.))
If your wife and you lower your gaze from the forbidden things, Allah will create affection between you:
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy.)
Obeying and approaching Allah is the basis of marital relation:
The household should be based on obeying and approaching Allah instead of watching t.v. series all the time. There is a serious problem concerning these series; they revolve around non-Islamic and deviated values intellectually and behaviorally speaking. You can see in these series big mansions, women exposing their beauty, forbidden relations in sport clubs and welcoming the husband's friend even in his absence. You will not be able to prevent your wife from welcoming a stranger to your house in your absence, saying that this is what she watches in a movie. An actress once was asked, "How could you allow that man to kiss you in the movie, although you are ''religiously committed''?" She answered, "Well, he is my husband in the movie ." Notice how we have now ''fiqh'' related to the actions of actors and actresses; the actress simply answered, "He is my husband in the movie ."
When you want to fill a container with water to drink it, the water which comes out from the tap will fill the container. Similarly, the culture of the movies which fills the head of your wife will be manifested in her unacceptable behavior. If you watch these movies, you will be affected by their culture as well. The culture which you should be affected by is the one of the One and the Judge. We have the Quran, stories of the female Companions and the Prophetic Sunnah. In Islam we have a complete Method about marriage. If you lower your gaze, spend your time with your family and treat them kindly, tolerantly and patiently, your wife will respond to this kind treatment by giving you her love and affection.
In the household, there should be sacrifices; the husband should forget about some of his desires for the sake of his wife, and the wife should do the same in order to please her husband, and so the spouses will keep affectionate to one another.
Man's heroism is to be successful in all aspects of life:
By Allah, I am not exaggerating if I tell you about the house I once visited; no house in Damascus looks like it. There are ten alleys on the road going up the mountain, and the nearer you get to the top, the more difficult it becomes. This house was in the tenth alley on the top. There were no slabs on the ground, but I felt as if I were in Paradise when I was there because of the steadfastness and the affection the spouses had. You can make your house look like Paradise, and by Allah when you are happy at home, you will be able to endure the pressures outside, and you will able to work with a clear mind:
((Anas Ibn Malik reported: A man from Al-Ansar (the helpers) came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and begged from him. The Prophet asked, "Have you nothing in your house?" He replied, "Yes, a piece of cloth, a part of which we wear and a part of which we spread on the ground, and a wooden bowl from which we drink water." He said, "Bring them to me."He then brought these articles to him and he took them in his hands and asked, "Who will buy these?" A man said, "I will buy them for one coin." He said twice or thrice, "Who will offer more than one coin?"A man said, "I will buy them for two coins." He gave these to him and took the two coins and, giving them to the helper, he said, "Buy food with one of them and hand it to your family,…))
Fulfilling the needs of your household and taking care of your children and wife's health, food and drink are acts of worship. Let me tell you precise words: The hypocrite's transactional acts of worship are bad deeds, while the believer's habitual activities are transactional acts of worship. For instance, going with his family for a picnic, buying clothes for his wife and putting a bite of food inside his wife's mouth, which will be on the Day of Resurrection as high as the Mountain of Uhud, are all acts of worship. When you believe in Allah and act upon His Order, you will be happy in your home. Consider the house which is full of modern electric devices, but there is no electricity to make them work, those appliances will be useless. As for getting married, having children, and working, they are meaningless, if they are not based on true faith and the connection with Allah. I would like you to get back to the point we've mentioned at the beginning of this lecture. It is about the four main issues in your life; one of them is your relation with Allah which makes your relation with people a healthy one provided that it is pure and healthy. Some scholars said, "Whoever reconciles with Allah, Allah will correct his relations with people." Hence, the true success means being successful in all aspects of life.The Muslim should stay away from whatever destroys his household:
We need to have a solid household against the many causes which destroy it. I would like to refer to serious causes: Each man has strong beliefs which look like protective lines, and it is difficult to penetrate them. However, television series and movies may affect them. Sometimes you watch a movie which is starred by an actor who is handsome and elegant, his wife is very beautiful, his mansion is gorgeous and there is a bar inside it. Unlike this hero, they film the religiously committed Muslim as weak, his household is unbearable, his wife is talkative and she spends her time visiting her neighbors, while her children are on the streets. When the children watch this movie they will doubt their religious beliefs, and so the protective lines of yours will be penetrated. The Western world depends on the image rather than the idea; it is enough for it to show you an image of a religiously committed family which are oppressed, passive and impoverished, and their household is unbearable, while the deviated family live in a very prestigious house. Nevertheless, the scenarists and directors say, "We do not criticize Islam."
Dear brother, the media sometimes shakes our values, so you should control the channels on T.V, lest you will cause a serious problem to your household, and you will pay a heavy price. Once a well-known Kuwaiti missioner who is a specialist in training leaders visited us, and he said, "All man's habits, principles, values and imagination are implanted in him in the first seven years of his life." A father may not pay attention to this fact, as he spends most of his time outside his home. In some cases the father says to you, "I get out before my children wake up in the morning, and I come home after they go to bed in the evening." Doing this is a big mistake; if you do not spend a lot of time at home watching your children and being the leader, you will suffer a lot. Things may be complicated at home, and they need some of your time. You can sit with your children and wife every day, and let it be when you have a meal with them. Ask them about their teachers or other things and listen to what they tell you.
Acting upon the Quran and Sunnah is the basis of a successful household:
The child whose father neglects him and his mother is busy with other things, may still have the chance to live with them happily if the parents get back to Allah, reauthor the Noble Quran, read the Sunnah and act upon the instructions which are mentioned in them. I keep saying that you always have a chance to achieve the domestic success. Almighty Allah says:
(and cured his wife (to bear a child) for him)
I remember a story about an Egyptian old man from Sa'eed (Upper Egypt). He sent his son to study Shari'ah in Al-Azhar. The son got back after 5 years to become the Khateeb of the Masjid in his village. When he delivered his first Khutbah, his father cried a lot. You may think the father cried out of happiness, but he cried regretting the time he wasted when he was a young man. His regret encouraged him to ride his donkey heading towards Cairo. He traveled for a month and a half asking people whom he met on his way, "How can I get to Al-Az'ar (meaning Al-Azhar)?", and people told him that there were nothing called Al-Az'ar, and that it was Al-Azhar. They guided him to get there, and when he was there, he learned reading and writing at the age of 50, then he learned reciting the Noble Quran. He lived until he became 96 and died as the Shaikh of Al-Azhar.
Lack of wisdom is the main cause of man's problems:
Do not say it is too late to be understanding with your wife. Whenever you enter into your house say "Assalamu Alaikum", because whoever goes into his house and forgets to say "Assalamu Alaikum", the Shaitan says to his brother, "You can dwell in this house tonight." The Shaitan will sleep in this house causing arguments between the spouses; the husband may slam the door and asks his wife to go to her parent's house at night wearing her night gown. All these problems happen because he does not say "Assalamu Alaikum". Besides, if the husband forgets to say, "In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful" before he eats, the Shaitan says to his brother, "Your dinner is maintained", and so the food will not be enough for you. If the husband enters into his house and forgets to say, "Assalamu Alaikum", and he eats without saying, "In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful", the Shaitan says to his brother, "Your dwelling and food are maintained.
Arguments, swearing and breaking the doors for trivial reasons will happen in the house where the Shaitan dwells. Once I was impressed by an email I received from a noble brother saying in it that our problems are not caused by our actions, but rather by our reactions. He gave an example from our daily life saying, "While a manager of an establishment was drinking his coffee at 8.45 a.m, his son spilled the coffee, so he got angry, said bad words to his wife and slammed the door before he left to work . When he got there, he found out that he forgot his briefcase in which all the important documents for his meeting were . He became outrageous. The reason of all those problems was not the spilling of the coffee on his lap, but rather his unreasonable reaction to it." He could have said, "O my son, you should have been careful, may Allah be pleased with you." Hence, our problems are not caused by the actions, but by the reactions. They are the result of the lack of wisdom:
(He grants Hikmah to whom He pleases, and he, to whom Hikmah is granted, is indeed granted abundant good.)
I am afraid that I gave you a long lecture. I ask Allah that all of you are happy in your household. I advise you to read the Noble Quran and Sunnah and look for the instructions of Allah in order to follow. As a human being you look like a complicated device, but the Wise Creator tells you about the instructions to follow and so to protect yourself.
The influence of media on the individual:
We should make a comment on the influence of the media on the individual. According to a study that was done about the average number of hours the Syrian students in the eleventh grade spend watching T.V, it was 4 to 6 hours daily. The internet had not been spread yet at the time when the study was made, so how many hours do those students spend after the internet has been spread? The results of this study means that parents, particularly the msh3er do not pay attention to the number of hours their children spend on watching T.V or the programs they watch.
The charitable associations have noble goals:
The interviewer:
I would like to thank Mr. Muhammad Nabulsi An-Nabulsi who honored us by his attendance and his interesting lecture as he shed the light on family from the perspective of our religion and the solutions which Islam suggests to maintain healthy family ties which are based in their essence on fearing Allah the Exalted.
I have a request to the attendants; I would like you to keep attending those sessions, so that you can benefit from the knowledge of Dr. Nabulsi. Also, I hope that our brother keep attending the lectures and supporting the association as much as possible in order to continue its activities. Almighty Allah says:
(Help you one another in Al-Birr and At-Taqwa (virtue, righteousness and piety); but do not help one another in sin and transgression.)
Dr. Nabulsi:
We were in a meeting with the Minister of Social Affairs and Labor, and I was attracted to her speech, she said, "Two years ago, there were about 340 charitable associations, but now their number is 3.000." An association means a charitable, cultural and collective kind of work. Every citizen can offer a service to his Ummah. Almighty Allah says:
(Help you one another in Al-Birr and At-Taqwa (virtue, righteousness and piety); but do not help one another in sin and transgression.)
It is a great thing to have the number of the charitable association increasing. Each association has its own noble goals. I am- the poor worshipper before you- a member of the Association of the Child in Syria, and an establishing member in the Counter-Smoking Association. Once I gave a lecture at Al-Assad library on the inauguration day of the association, and many ministers attended that lecture. It was really successful and it was recorded. Someone who used to buy tobacco took the tape, and when he listened to it, he decided to repent to Allah and stop buying tobacco. His partner disagreed with him, but then he agreed to take from his repentant partner half of the profit which was 12.500 lira every month provided that they stop buying tobacco. The other partner accepted that offer, but he said he would not give any lira other than that amount, and indeed there was no need to do so as the profit increased, not decreased. After a period of time, the one who was responsible for selling them tobacco came to their shop and asked them, "What kind of tobacco do you need?" They said, "Take the tobacco we have, because we repented to Allah." He was astonished, and he asked them about the reason. They advised him to listen to the tape, and he did. That man had paid 5 million lira as insurance to tobacco companies, but after he listened to the tape, he got back his money and started to distribute food instead of tobacco.
Muslims should cooperate with one another to achieve Ummah's goals:
As it was reported in the Hadith, "A good word is charity". If you work for a charitable or cultural association, then you should be active and offer your help to the Ummah. Our Ummah has been asleep, and we should awaken her. If we do not cooperate with one another, we will not be able to achieve the goals of Ummah which are intended by Allah the Exalted. Almighty Allah says:
(You [true believers in Islamic Monotheism, and real followers of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and his Sunnah (legal ways, etc.)] are the best of peoples ever raised up for mankind; you enjoin Al-Ma'ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam has ordained) and forbid Al-Munkar (polytheism, disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden), and you believe in Allah.)
The questions of spectators:
1- Encouraging the husband to be the leader at home:
Q: What do you think if we encourage man to behave as a leader?
A: The main role of man is to lead his family and the woman is there to assist him. For example, in the plane there is a captain and an assistant, but the decision is made by the captain, whereas the assistant offers many other services. When there is a joint leadership in the plane, it will fall . Therefore, leadership is assigned to one person only. Allah the Exalted says about man:
(And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.).)
It is the degree of leadership at home, and I do encourage man to have this role (as a leader) in his household.
2- Important books to read:
Q: Are there books to read concerning the subject of this symposium?
A: In fact, there are many books. The poor worshipper before you (Dr. Nabulsi meant himself) recorded 60 tapes about raising children according to the Islamic teachings, and they contain the best of my lectures. I will send these tapes to you as a present and will distribute them among you for free. These tapes are very important; they contain the religious education, the moral education, the mental education, the physical education, the psychological education, the social education and the sexual education. Concerning the educational tools; children can be taught by giving them lessons, advising them and being their good example.
3- The husband should consider his wife his partner:
Q: You said that someone used to talk to his fiancé for 13 hours and when he was asked about the reason he said in order to make her love him, is that true?
A: Well, let me tell you something: Love can be endless and ever-growing if Allah's Method is implemented at home, when the husband uses his intelligence and wisdom and when he considers his wife his partner, the spouses will be happy with each other.
4- There should be a kind of equivalence between spouses:
Q: Should there be a kind of equivalence between spouses?
A: If the husband is illiterate, while the wife has the an academic degree, this disparity causes the failure of their marriage. Scholars commented on the issue of equivalence saying, "If there is no educational, social, economic equivalence between the spouses, the marriage will not be a successful one." However, there is one exception; if the husband is an Islamic knowledge seeker, and he is pious, he is qualified enough to be the husband whom every girl looks for. This case is very rare as marriage in general requires equivalence between spouses. I know many households in Damascus where the wife is highly educated, while the husband is illiterate, and so she is suffering a lot because of this lack of equivalence.
5- The ruling on the wife who takes care of her appearance:
Q: What is the ruling on the wife who does not take care of her appearance?
A: This question is extremely important. In general the Arab woman takes care of her appearance, look, hair and elegance when she wants to pay visits and attend parties, but when she is at home, she wears the worst of her clothes. As-Salaf As-Saleh (the righteous predecessors) forbade for the wife to wear a dress for the first time to someone other than her husband. By the way, the more the wife exaggerates in beautifying herself to her husband the closer she is to Allah, because she guards him. On the other hand, the wife who does not take care of her appearance, look, elegance and beauty before her husband is disobedient to Allah, because she encourages her husband to have eyes for a woman other than her. I would like to be frank with you although what I am going to tell you is embarrassing. Some husbands experience late adolescence- when they are at their 50s- because of the wife. She is busy with her sons-in-law, daughters, cooking, washing, etc, and she wears a night gown all the day, while her husband sees many girls with beautiful appearances. I heard about many cases of late adolescence.
6- Staying outside for a long time:
Q: What if the parents stay out for a long time due to the nature of their careers?
A: children suffer from a lot of problems. I would like to tell you sincere words: If you occupy the most prominent position in the world, collect the hugest wealth on earth, have got the highest diploma in the world, but your son is not as you wish him to be, you are the most miserable man. While I was in America I said, "If you occupy the position of President Clinton, if you have the wealth of Onassis and the knowledge of Einstein, but your son is not as you wish him to be, you are the most miserable man. Ask a man whose son is morally deviated, and you will find that he is deeply hurt. The winning card we have nowadays is our children. Also, taking care of our children makes us very happy, and Allah rewards us for it soon. Almighty Allah says:
(And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun" (pious).")
Your son will be the comfort of your eyes when he becomes as you wish him to be.
Children's misery causes parent's misery:
(So let him not get you both out of Paradise, so that you be distressed in misery.)
In Arabic the pronoun "you" in the second part of the sentence is singular, but it refers to both of them (Adam and Hawwa') which means that the misery of the husband entails definitely the misery of his wife. Rhetoric lies in using concise words, and this is the case in the above mentioned Ayah.
Regarding children, we can apply the same rule: The children's misery absolutely causes the parent's misery. By Allah, while I was in America I gave a lecture in Los Angeles, and when I finished, I wanted go to my office, but a woman who was wearing Hijab was standing waiting for me. She said "I am the sister of so and so (a close friend
