I doubt my wudu' and salat and repeat them many times. What should I do?
Question:Dear Dr. Nabulsi,
I'm a muslim woman I have a few questions, I hope I will have an answer from you soon .
I have a problem with my salat, it started almost a year ago, from the last month of ramadan and now it increased too much that i started to hate my self and i'm in a very difficult situation, i feel i'm not a good muslim and i don't feel anybada anymore and i avoid most of them, and i feel that anyone s better than me, and when i see a good muslim i feel sorry for my self.
Even dooa I can't do it, and when I do it I don't feel it.
At first I had problem with "khochou3" and wudu, because I repeat wudu too much, i know there is a natural part of that but also a mental one and of course shaitaan, but i can't do the difference between the reality and when it's just shaitan or my fear to break the wudu. Sometimes it takes me too much time to do the wudu and salat, and since i'm a student i don't always have plenty of time to perform it.
but even that I could make salat, rarely with Khouchou3 but from time to time and some periods of time i could feel my salat.
BUt now it's just even bad, not just the wudu and KHoucouu3 in salat, I forgeeet to much during my salat, my goal now is just to finish a salat, i repeat salaat many times, i stop the salat in the middle of it, most of the time because i forget if i said Allaho akbar or not, and sh3er times numbers of raka3at but that just happens in every salat now , and every salat i repeat it several times and still can't make it right and feel no khochou3 in it. before at least this is not happening in every salat, and i could at least benefit from few salat but now none of them.
ALSO i'm so ashamed when I do wudu everytime because in boarding school people see you doing that several times.
I feel like I don't perform salat , i just have to do it and can't stop it . but this is affect me in every part, can't make doa, i do dikr very rarely and i starting to feel "riyaa" while it's the time that i really don't like my self at all, this is weird. because i didn't use to be like that. and now i feel like people are better than me, and like i have no reason to live;