Household's coherence is essential for the psychological health of the children:
Dear honorable brothers, we started last lecture tackling the mistakes which most Muslim women make, and those mistakes were related to the daily affairs. I mentioned last lecture that the woman had a crucial role in the family; if she gets acquainted with her Lord and His Method, her knowledge and religious devotion will reflect on her family. I would like you to know that raising children is the most important mission of Muslims, because the power of Al-Ummah is derived from her new generations, so if they are corrupted, Al-Ummah will be doomed, and whatever empowers the new generations, is the supply needed for this Ummah and her future. Hence, all the hopes are pinned on the woman, the wife and the mother:
The mother is just like a school, so if she is well raised
an entire nation will attain good manners
By Allah dear brothers, and I am not exaggerating, some believing honest devoted women equal hundreds of thousands of men in the Sight of Allah if these women know their Lord and fulfill the conjugal rights of their husbands upon them. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said to the women after she asked him:
((The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Please go and tell the ladies whom you represent that by doing your duty to your husbands in a pleasant manner, keeping in mind what will make them happy, and following them faithfully, you will please greatly Allah and He will give you the same rewards as have been promised by men (Jihad in Allah's Cause).))
Having psychologically healthy children doesn't need a rich family, but rather it needs a coherent household, love amongst the family members, a faithful husband and a devoted wife. In such environment, the children will grow up loving their parents and being affectionate towards them and other member of the family The first fruit which this coherent household will reap is having psychologically healthy children, though this family might live in one room and eats the cheapest food.
The student who is used to misbehave in class, have reasons behind his misbehavior. If the teachers try to know why his behavior is eccentric, they will find out that his mother might be divorced or there are endless domestic conflicts between the parents. Hence, the coherent household and the parental love are essential for having healthy children psychologically speaking. A family may live in a very humble house or earn a very low income. Yet, there is affection, and the ties between the members of the family are very strong. The words of Jesus are outstanding, "Man shall not live on bread alone" Accordingly, happiness is not achieved by having a house and a high income, being beautiful or occupying a high position, but rather it is achieved by being connected with the Almighty Allah.
The Ayat of the Quran have textual, pretrial and posterior meanings:
Most people do not pay attention to the Quranic rule according to which the Ayat of the Noble Quran have textual, pretrial and posterior meanings. Also, if you take any Ayah out of its text, it will provide us with an independent meaning and will become a method unto itself. To elaborate more, take the following Ayah as an example:
(And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).)
The textual meaning of the Ayah is: Whosoever fears Allah in divorcing his wife- according to Sunnah; he divorces her one time in her Tuhr (period of purity) during which he does not have sexual intercourse with her- Allah will make a way for him to get out (to take her back again as his wife). Therefore, if he mistakenly divorces her, he can take her back as his wife again by saying even one nice word to her. Also, in case he divorces her for one time and she finishes her 'Iddah (the period a woman must observe after getting a divorce), he can take her back with a new marriage contract. However, when the husband divorces his wife Talaq Bad'i (irrevocably divorce) three times in one divorce, and he doesn't fear Allah in divorcing her, Allah punishes him by depriving him from taking her back. This is the textual meaning of the Ayah.
If we take this Ayah out of its text, it becomes a method; whoever fears Allah in earning his living, Allah will make a way for him by protecting his money from destruction, whoever fears Allah in raising his children, Allah will make a way for him to get out from having undutiful children, whoever fears Allah in choosing his wife, Allah will make a way for him to get out from having miserable marriage, whoever fears Allah in serving his parents, Allah will make a way for him out of having undutiful children and so on. Therefore, when we take this Ayah out of its text, it gives us a different meaning. Allah says:
(But they have abandoned a good part of the Message that was sent to them. So We planted amongst them enmity and hatred till the Day of Resurrection (when they discarded Allah's Book, disobeyed Allah's Messengers and His Orders and transgressed beyond bounds in Allah's disobedience))
The Ayah is about Ahlul Kitab (Jews and Christians) who disobeyed the Almighty Allah. As if this Ayah refers to the law of enmity and hatred, when do we become enemies with one another? When do we hate each other? When do conflicts arise? When are we dispersed? All of that happens when we turn away from the Divine Method. This is a law which can be applied to the married couple, the siblings, the partners, and the neighbors. Hence, whenever one of the two parties disobeys Allah, endless enmity and hatred will arise between the two parties. In a heedless society which turns away from Allah, you will find hostility between the member of the family, people of the city, people of the village and people of the country, and so people are dispersed on all levels. Allah says:
(And do not dispute (with one another) lest you lose courage and your strength depart, and be patient. Surely, Allah is with those who are As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).)
The woman in the Prophetic era leveled up with her husband:
Dear brothers, when the woman is upright, the entire family will be upright. Through my humbleDa'wah too Allah, I have known tens and even hundreds of honorable brother who were guided to Allah because of their wives. Thus, the wife (the upright one) is one of Allah's Signs which indicates His Greatness. Allah says:
(And from among His Signs are the night and the day, and the sun and the moon. Prostrate not to the sun nor to the moon)
(And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth)
(And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.)
(O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you (i.e. may stop you from the obedience of Allah), therefore beware of them!)
Some scholars said, "This enmity has to do with his destiny (in the Hereafter), and it has nothing to do with their current status (in the worldly life)." In the worldly life they love each other, but when the husband is admitted to the Hellfire on the Day of Resurrection because of his wife, he sees her as his enemy. I repeat again, the enmity is related to the destiny (in the Hereafter), because in the worldly life he loves his wife, but when she puts pressure on him, she makes him sin, and so he will be doomed in the Hereafter because of her.
Encouraging women to seek Islamic knowledge is essential:
Dear brothers, educating the woman and encouraging her to seek Islamic knowledge and to get acquainted with the Almighty Allah is essential in Muslims' life. I told a young man once who was about to get married after he asked for my advice, "The piece of advice which I would like to give you is very expensive, and it needs endeavoring" to which he said, "I am ready to pay you". Then I said, "You will not find happiness with your wife – he was stunned- unless you help her get acquainted with the Almighty Allah, with His Method, with your rights upon her. Unless she finds happiness in knowing Allah, connecting with Him and tasting the sweetness of being close to Him, she will be the source of happiness to you". She will be able to give you happiness when she is happy with connecting with the Almighty Allah, and if she isn't, she will not able to give you happiness. On the contrary, she will bring misery to the household. Most Muslims' houses are full of misery because of the pressure which the wives put on their husbands.
I'm not exaggerating dear brother if I tell you how relaxed I was when I visited a humble house on the foot of Mount Qasioun( in Damascus city) once. Its floor was not covered with tiles and its furniture was very simple. Yet, I felt that it was a piece of Paradise, for it seemed that there was affection, harmony, care and love between the wife and the husband. A small house with affection turns into Paradise, so I would like you (as women) to look after your homes, because the husband faces difficulties outside the house, and his home should be a place where he could find repose. If he has pressures at work, difficulties in earning money, debts which should be paid and other problems, he should find in his own home some rest of all that.
The mechanism of eye's functioning and how to protect it:
An ophthalmologist told me a fact that I didn't know before; he said that the pigments of the retina are used during the day, because basically, the eye's function is to transfer the photos just like transmitting photos through the air starting from the studio where a person sits in front of a camera. As the person sits, a bright light is focused on him, and he reflects it. The lamps are the source of light, and people reflect that light in order to be able to see one another. The camera is prepared to transfer (transmit) the photo of that person through the air, so what happens to the person? The features of his face will reflect the light of the lamp to the lens of the camera, and from the lens, the light goes to a plate. The plate is coated with a very rare substance which ejects an electron whenever a trace of light reaches it. The brighter the light is, the greater the ejection of electrons will be, till the face of the person is formed on that plate according to the light focused on it.
I was told that there is an electron gun which ejects electrons that are accelerated and focused into a fast-moving beam to rebuild the picture, and the alternating current, which does that to the plate that loses some of its electrons because of the traces of the light of the picture, is actually the photo which will be transmitted through the air and which will be received by machines that work the opposite way of the camera in order to allow you to see that person on your screen. Actually I simplified a very complicated process, and the eye is even more complicated than that. There are 130 millions cones and rod cells in the retina, and they all have pigments which lose their colors upon receiving light. Because they lose their colors, an electric current occurs, and it is sent to the brain to be translated in the seeing section in it. It is the same principle of broadcasting pictures but in a very complicated way. After the cones and rod cells consume their pigments (during day light) they need to get some rest and restore the pigments they lose. I asked the ophthalmologist today, "How can we look after our eyes?" I'll tell you the answer soon.
Once I asked a nephrologist, "How can we look after our kidneys?" He said, "By drinking water". Man should drink at least 12 glasses of water daily, whether he is thirsty or not. Hence, even if you are not thirsty, drinking enough water is the best for kidney maintenance. People might think that the heart is the most vital organ in the body, and its diseases are the most dangerous ones, but let me tell you that the kidneys are more vital; a man can live with a weak heart for twenty years or more, and by taking care of it, he can live with it even if it is weak. The joke says: look after your heart, wife and car and your life will be sound. The kidneys' failure, on the other hand, makes man's life over, and they can never work again. Accordingly, drinking water is the best for kidney maintenance.
I would like to get back to the ophthalmologist whom I asked about the best ways to look after our eyes. He said, "By nutrition." Do you know how? Since we consume the retina's pigments during day light, the eye should restore these pigments during the night in order to bring them back to high levels. He gives me a simple and good example saying, "If we put a man in a dark cave where there is no light and the dark is everywhere, we will notice that the man is programmed; his eyes keep functioning as if he is still exposed to day light, for the process of restoring of the retina's pigments is low during the day (though he is in the dark cave) whereas this process is very active during the night.
You are programmed just like cellular phones, and you have a day oriented program and a night oriented one. During the day, your heart beats are faster, your blood pressure is higher, the sugar intake is more, the vitamins intake is more and so on. There are other fifty functions whose mechanisms during the day are different from the ones at night. At night, your heart beats are slower, your blood pressure is lower and your consumption of sugars is less. Again, there is a day oriented program and a night oriented one within the human body. Scientists call this difference the watch of the head, so when someone who is programmed according to the day and the night of Damascus travels for 20 hours to reach a far country like the United States, his day in Damascus becomes night in the United States, and his night becomes day (this is called jet lag). As a result, he will spend the first two days in the United States sleepless. At night he is programmed that it is daytime in Damascus, and thus his heart beats are faster and he is active, and so he will not be able to sleep. However, after a short period of time, his systems will be self-adjusted again according to the time in the United States, and he will be able to sleep. The same happens when he goes back to Damascus, for he will be again jet lagged. By Allah, there are things in the human body which bewilder the mind upon contemplating the accuracy of the body creation.
I would like to go back to the example the ophthalmologist gave me. He said that when we put someone in a dark cave, his retina restores the pigments to high levels during the night time, while they are lesser than that during the daytime. What is the most severe torture one can do to a human being? It is putting him under a bright light during the night. You don't have to torture him by hitting or handcuffing him, all you need to do is to have a 5000 Watt lamp at night focused on him, for this light will prevent restoring pigments in the retina, and so this is considered the worst torture. Allah says:
(And have made the night as a covering (through its darkness), And have made the day for livelihood.)
The night helps restoring the pigments, so if someone sleeps in a lighted room, the pigments will not be restored. Consequently, his sight will be weakened at an early age. Therefore, I advice whoever uses bright lights at night to dim it as much as they can in order to enable the pigments of their eyes to be restored. In addition, restoring pigments needs special nutrition and vitamins, and according to a well-known rule: Healthy food is cheapest than medicine. When someone doesn't care about his nutrition, he will get sick and will pay a lot of money to buy medication which might be ten times more expensive than the healthy food such like turnip, radish, onion and green pepper. These are cheap vegetables, and they are rich of vitamins. Let me remind you that drinking water is the best way for kidney maintenance, and nutrition, darkness and enough sleep at night are the best maintenance for the eyes.
I mentioned to you in many previous lectures that there is what is called "food pyramid", in which the food is divided into major food groups represented as pyramid "shelves". Bread, cereal and potato are on the largest bottom shelf, the second shelf contains vegetables and fruits and the smallest shelf contains meat. When people are rich, they abundantly eat meat, but according to statistics, the coronary heart diseases in rich countries are eight times more than the poor ones (because of eating too much meat). Moreover, there are very accurate details in medicine, such like "you don't use it you lose it". For example, if man does not chew food, his jaw bone will shrink, and if he drinks a lot of juices and a lot of soft food, his digesting movement will become lesser. This explains the highest rates of colon cancer in Japan. Most of the Japanese food is juices and mashed and stewed cook, so the Japanese don't put effort in chewing their food. Thus, putting effort is essential for man's health.
A Comparison between our lives and our ancestors':
A doctor told me once, "The health of our ancestors and their body structures were better than ours. They used to work a lot and exhaust their muscles. Nevertheless, they were at ease." One of the main causes of diseases nowadays is relaxing. You may find two or three sick people in every household. This made me once say, "Our generation is wear and tear one!" We don't have strong body structures, due to the muscular inaction and stress. Our ancestors used to have peace of mind and used to pay higher muscular effort, but nowadays we use cars which are comfortable, yet they bring all kinds of heart, liver and kidneys diseases. A brother who came from the United States told me once, "I watched a program in TV in which they said, 'Riding horses keeps away heart, liver and kidneys diseases because the body keeps shaking'". Unlike riding horses, riding a car is all about sitting in a comfortable seat and driving on a paved road. Relaxation is one of the contemporary problems.
I've mentioned earlier that the night is a time of resting and the day is for livelihood. Also I have said that the eye needs sleeping, darkness and nutrition. The psychological health is not less important than the physical one, and this can be maintained if the Islamic household is full of affection and love. If you may notice, I have never mentioned a word about being rich or poor, because one might belong to the lowest social class, yet he is in the highest level of happiness, whereas another man might be very miserable though he is very rich.
Some of the mistakes which woman make:
1- Carelessness while raising their children:
Dear brothers, the woman plays a crucial role in raising children. As for the sterile woman, what does she say to her husband if he wants to marry another woman in order to have children? She says to him, "You either divorce me or stay without a second wife". Another woman might go further than that and say, "I prefer that you commit adultery to get married to another woman"!! They go far with their refusal to such an extent, and only ignorant women say these words.
One of the mistakes which Muslim women make, is to be careless with raising their children. For example, a woman might go out in the absence of her husband, and when he comes home and asks her, "Did you go out today?", and she says, "I did not go anywhere" before her daughter who knows very well that her mother did, the daughter will notice that her mother lies to her father. The child acquires lying from his/ her parents. The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught us to refrain from lying:
((Abdullah bin 'Amir bin Rabi'ah said, "Allah's Messenger, peace be upon him, came to us while I was a young boy, and I went out to play. My mother said, 'O 'Abdullah! Come, I want to give you something.' Allah's Messenger said to her, "What did you want to give him?" She said, 'Dates.' He said, "If you had not given them to him, it would have been written as a lie in your record."))
It breaks my heart to see Muslims careless with their children. Once a brother told me, "My mother is from North American, and once I was with her and she gave me a candy and asked me to throw its wrapper in the trash basket which was 300 meters away". Elegance entails being well-raised, so are honesty, trustworthiness and politeness. All these good manners need an attentive mother, but if the mother cares only about meetings, visits and silly chats, her children will end up in streets, and they will be considered orphan kids. The orphan child is the one who does not have a father or a mother, but the real orphan child is the one who is abandoned by his mother, and whose father is too busy to look after him.
2- Asking for divorce without a reason:
Asking the husband for divorce without a reason is one of the mistakes which Muslim women make. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
((Whoever a woman asks divorce from her husband without harm, so the odor of Paradise is forbidden for her.))
Let me tell you the following: Marriage is a grace, and there are husbands who are ungrateful to Allah for the grace of marriage, and so for the most trivial reasons you find the husband treat his wife harshly or send her to her family's house. Such a husband is ungrateful to Allah for the grace of marriage. On the other hand, there are wives who ask for a divorce, because of the most trivial reasons, and one of them says, "I am not happy with you", whereas other women wish to have a husband even if he is not at the same level of hers in anything. I read a book whose writer is an Egyptian woman. She mentions about 20 or 30 stories of women who were top in their studies but winded up without husbands. Also, in this book the writer talks about the spinsters' endless suffering because their parents encouraged them to seek knowledge, and they did not care about finding them husbands. We are not against encouraging women to seek knowledge, but if a pious man asks to marry your daughter you should accept, because marriage is the backbone of life.
When a woman neglects the issue of marriage and spends her life seeking very high scientific degrees, she will find out later on that woman's existence is closely dependant on getting married and on raising children, but it will be too late. Similarly, the woman, who despises marriage, treats proposers harshly, brags about her scientific degree and social position, will be very sorry for refusing to get married and becoming a spinster. Therefore, our guidance to our daughters should be about making them aware of the importance of marriage in which their future is secured, and we should choose the believing husbands for them. In fact refraining from getting married is one of the innovations in the Islamic society, and it indicates arrogance, haughtiness and wishing for excellence (in knowledge only). When the woman finds out (very late) that her existence and future (as a woman) is achieved in getting married and raising children, she will be in great remorse.
((The Prophet, peace be upon him, was asked once, "O Messenger of Allaah, who has the greatest right on a woman?" He, peace be upon him, said, "Her husband has the greatest right on her". He was asked, "O Messenger of Allaah, Who has the greatest right on man?" He, peace be upon him, said, "His mother has the greatest right."))
Hence, the mother is the most important person in a man's life, and the husband is the most important person in a woman's life.
3- Telling people about whatever happens between her and her husband:
One of the mistakes which Muslim wives make is disclosing all the secrets between her and her husband. She tells whatever happens between her and her husband to her mother, sister and aunt, and thus, nothing is kept as a secret about the husband, and whatever he does is known by other people. In some cases, the wife keeps reporting everything to her sister saying that he does this and that, etc. When the Prophet, peace be upon him, praised the Muslim woman he said, "She is a cover to her husband", whereas the Fasiqah non-Muslim woman is not.
By Allah, I was told about a man who became insane and his situation was dangerous at home. He stayed like that for two years, and his wife who was under 20, didn't tell her family or any other person about his illness in order to preserve his good reputation and social position. There are women who are blessed with high wisdom, whereas sh3er ask for divorce without a reason which is a flaw in a woman, because she is ungrateful to Allah for the grace of having a husband. Another flaw is to disclose all conversations, secrets and arguments which occur between her and her husband. Furthermore, the unacceptable mistake the wife does is telling sh3er about what happens between her and her husband in bed. Telling such things to sh3er is like making sh3er see a male devil having sexual intercourse with a female devil in the street. Revealing whatever happens during the intimate relation between the married couple will make other imagine them, and so the couple will seem as if they had sexual intercourse in the street, and the Prophet, peace be upon him, forbade us from this grave violation.
4- Offering supererogatory fasting without the husband's permission:
Concerning the acts of worship, offering supererogatory fasting without the husband's permission is one of the mistakes which some Muslim women make. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
((It is not lawful for a woman to observe (voluntary) fasting without the permission of her husband when he is at home))
This is about the Nafl (supererogatory) and not Fard (obligatory) fasting, because in regard of Fard fasting:
((There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah.))
Be keen on choosing the right husband for your daughter:
Dear brothers, it is a serious problem when the father is not keen on choosing a believing honest husband for his daughter. A story was narrated about a father who asked the proposer, "Do you have a house?" The man said, "Yes, I do." The father said, "I want to see the papers which prove that (the main concern of the father is the worldly issues and properties) ", and the man gave him what he asked for. Then the father asked, "Do you have a job?" The man answered, "Yes, I have a factory". Upon hearing that, the father asked for the factory's registration in Damascus Chamber of Industry", and the man gave that to him as well. After that, the father asked the man if he owns a car, and the man answered, "Yes, I do". Then, the father asked for its registration papers to make sure of that. The father made sure about all the things he asked about, and after that he accepted the man who became the fiancé of his daughter. The fiancé started to visit his parents in law, and once the father said to some visitors of his, "This is my son in law", to which one of the visitors was surprised. Upon asking him about the reason of his shock, He said, "This man is not a Muslim!!!" The father wanted to make sure of that by asking his son in law who said to him, "You asked me about everything except my religion"!!! The one who narrated the story might exaggerate, but its moral lesson is what matters.
While I was in the market, someone invited me to come into his store, and then he asked for my advice, he said, "A man asked for the hand of my daughter in marriage. He is a nice person and a good looking one. He has a factory, and he is very rich, but he is not very religious, so what should I do?" I said to him, "Do you read the Quran?" He answered, "Yes, I do", and then I said, "When you finish reading the Quran, what do you usually say?", and he said, "I say, "Sadaqaallahu Al Azim (Almighty Allaah has spoken the truth)", so I said to him, "Allah says:
(And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress, etc.), even though she pleases you.)
The visit was over and I left his store. I was told later on that his daughter was married to that man and was divorced 17 days later! Should we get greedy and accept a rich man who is not religious? This is a big problem. Listen to the Prophetic guidance in that matter:
((When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry your daughter to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad).))
The believing young man will be enriched by Allah, whereas the Fasiq's destiny will be nothing but destruction. We will continue with this subject in a third and last lecture insha' Allah.